RAW’s got 99 problems

Ethan Miller/Getty Images

If you’re having creative problems, I feel bad for you, son. RAW’s got 99 problems and here’s all of them…

1. Ratings

See I told you that was one!

2. 20 minute Authority promos

I am the game…ehh…and for some reason….ehh…I have opened every RAW…ehh…for the past 15 years….ehh.

3. In NXT you were great and now you’re just kinda ‘meh’.

Tyler Breeze we used to love you but now you’ve broken the land speed record. 0 to midcard in three matches. Former NXT Champion Bo Dallas, where are you? At least Neville is on TV. Not that he’s being used much better. Don’t even get me started on The Ascension.

4. We just did that match on PPV last night. Let’s do it again!

Why the hell not?

5. Midcard city, bitch!

Ziggler, Miz, Barrett, Rusev, Owens, Del Rio, Harper, Cesaro, Rusev – the list goes on and on. None of them booked like championship material.

6. Let’s put the belt on a guy who loses all the time!

As Tony Schiavone would say "that’ll put the butts on the seats!"

7. Giving Jack Swagger a live microphone

He makes Roman Reigns’ promos look like CM Punk’s in comparison.

8. So we got this new heel faction that we need to build as a dominant threat, what should we do?

Have them get beaten down by Roman Reigns, of course!

9. Submissions are even more deadly when you do them on announce tables!

Said no one ever (except Michael Cole).

10. Alberto Del….ZZZZZZZZZ

Oh sorry, was that a Del Rio segment? I must have slept through it.

11. I just got jobbed out by part-timers at a PPV

I’ll just win a match on RAW and then that will all be forgotten.

12. We’ve booked a match between two amazingly talented women

Let’s give it a screwy roll-up finish and barely any time at all.

13. She’s the daughter of a really famous wrestler

We should remind people of this constantly in case they forget.

14. This show is three hours long

Does this count as a form of torture?

15. Hey this guy has been off for ages

Let’s bring them back with little to no build-up and make them irrelevant in three weeks.

16. There’s this really talented dude, shall we push him?

Don’t be stupid!

17. Michael Cole on commentary

Is that Fish tank here yet?

18. JBL on commentary

Maggle, Maggle, Maggle, Maggle, he’s twerking Maggle etc. etc.

19. Byron Saxton on commentary

He’s only good when he’s got Corey Graves to carry him.

20. No Rich Brennan or Corey Graves on commentary

That would make the show at least 10 times better.

21. This show is not NXT

That makes me a sad panda.

22. This show is not Lucha Underground

Triple H has got nothing on Dario Cueto.

23. Your top babyface is booed by half your audience

Unless they are just chanting "Boolieve that!"

24. Cesaro injured

Just when it was getting good for him too!

25. Bryan still injured

How much better would the show be with the leader of the YES! Movement?

26. No John Cena

I can’t believe I’m saying this but I really miss the living, breathing, memeing, face that runs the place at the minute. Especially with the lack of Open Challenge.

27. No Brock Lesnar

Vince needs to make sure those wheelbarrows of cash are getting to him.

28. No Rollinator

I just want Rollins there so the New Day can rock out to his theme music.

29. No Batista/Bluetista

Guess we’re gonna have to Deal with it!

30. Lack of Sandow

RAW is in desperate need of some intellectual saving and someone who can cut a good promo.

31. #whereisaxel

We need more Cold Beer in our lives.

32. Broke one guitar

Never drew a dime! Even Ryback wouldn’t sell it.

33. I’m in the midst of a really personal rivalry

I best work the leg of my arch nemesis.

34. Xenophobia considered a good thing

Why can’t you just be a Xenophobic American like you used to be, Zeb?

35. That’s a nice main event match you’re having

It’d be a shame if it had to end by disqualification.

36. The Wyatt Family – the new Dungeon of Doom

Bray my son! Your faction will be made to look like fools at every possible turn!

37. Hey remember those three weeks last year when Dolph Ziggler was a big deal?

Creative certainly don’t.

38. How do we spice up yet another contract signing?

Just bring up your opponent’s dead brother without the family’s permission.

39. Contract signings

Everyone loves watching people fill out paperwork!

40. The Authority

Because there’s no other way to make matches other than making non-wrestlers the most important part of the show.

41. We did this match last week on RAW

Let’s do it again!

42. We did this match last week on Smackdown

Let’s do it again! No one watches Smackdown.

43. No one cares about the Dudley Boyz


44. We’ve only got one week until the PPV

We don’t need to book any matches for it.

45. NFL Season

No one watches Football. That’s why the XFL failed! If only that were true.

46. Heatless heel champion

Sheamus has all the heat of a standard refrigerator.

47. No heel has the level of heat Eva Marie has in NXT

They should put her against Roman Reigns. That’ll get him over as a babyface!

48. No babyface has the love Bayley has in NXT

It’s like that brand knows how to book the good guys or something.

49. The old guard don’t move the needle anymore

Just because you’ve got Shawn Michaels out there in his jeans and cowboy boots doesn’t mean anyone else is going to tune in.

50. So many cowardly heel champions

Orton, Rollins, Sheamus. How about giving us something different from our champion?

51. Tag Team merry-go-round

Deciding who the number one contenders or the champions are is like a big game of "pass the parcel".

52. No more than one tag feud at a time

God forbid that they’d build a whole division!

53. Calling the women ‘Divas’

Google defines Diva as "a famous female singer" or "a woman regarded as temperamental or haughty." Women wrestlers don’t fall under either category.

54. Pointless matches

Two people get in the ring and fight just because there’s 15 minutes to fill.

55. The theme music

"Tonight is the Night" pales in comparison to "Thorn in Your Eye".

56. This is a PG product

Best not make it entertaining to adults who actually buy the Network and the merchandise. It’s not like that’s actually possible with a PG product (cough…Pixar…cough).

57. These RAW Fallout videos are great

So they definitely won’t be on the actual show.

58. The character of Kane is really stale

Why don’t we put him in the main event?

59. The character of Big Show is really stale

Let’s put him in the main event!

60. UK Fans being censored

Why not annoy one of your most loyal audiences by muting their reactions on RAW?

61. This happened in real life

Lets work it into an angle even if it’s bound to work out badly.

62. I just kidnapped someone

Yet they escaped, came back and kicked my ass with no explanation!

63. Storylines on social media

50 times better than the storylines on the actual show.

64. This week we need a name for a new faction of women

Better name it after a porn site.

65. Let’s use this match

To promote this reality show/awful band/Mountain Dew/WWE Network.

66. We should plug the Network

To remind people how good this show used to be.

67. When the show starts to feel like WCW circa 2000

And you wonder whether you’ve rather be watching that Russo-led car crash.

68. When the show starts ripping off TNA

And they’re using the bad angles

69. Hey we’ve brought back that really over guy from WCW

Now watch us bury him because after all these years, we’re still bitter.

70. Triple H always needs a ‘guy’

But I thought he was happily married?

71. Making Dean Ambrose a third wheel

Alright Dean. You’ve had a little tournament push. Now sit back down in the midcard where you belong!

72. Scripted promos

They sound about as natural as alien life forms.

73. Roman Reigns Championship pains

It’s blatantly obvious they want to give him the belt so just get it over with already!

74. Video games based around the Attitude Era

Because even the makers know it’s so much better than the current product.

75. Constantly talking about Ronda Rousey

To remind us how much better UFC is than WWE.

76. Kevin Owens

Not being World Champion instead of Sheamus.

77. The New Day not having all the belts

That’s booty!

78. Doing a tournament

That includes random entrants like Kalisto and Titus O’Neil.

79. Pretending a feud that just happened didn’t exist

Then bringing it back at a later date.

80. Making Randy Orton so irrelevant

No one has even noticed he’s out injured.

81. Doing weird commercials for fast food

And getting talent to act in it.

82. When you book a guy like an underdog

And he is the prototype WWE babyface who is constantly booked strong.

83. When even Mick Foley thinks about not watching

And he used to do this for a living.

84. Get a celebrity to guest host RAW

Give that celebrity a bigger role than most of the roster.

85. Ryback

One week booked like the next world champion, next week booked like Heath Slater. Where’s the consistency?

86. You just won the Money in the Bank match/King of the Ring tournament/Intercontinental Title

You’re definitely not winning tonight then!

87. You know what this demonic faction needs?

Some BigAss McStrongman with limited movement in the ring.

88. Only watching the highlights of RAW on YouTube

And realising that even they suck.

89. Having Del Rio win

With rubbish transition moves instead of finishers. Or just him winning in general.

90. Babyfaces being too happy

About losing the night before or in the midst of a blood feud with a rival.

91. Competitors in title matches who make sure their opponent gets counted out

When they are the CHALLENGER to the belt.

92. Post-streak Undertaker

Really what’s the point of him being there when you’ve taken away his biggest draw point?

93. Corporate/Demon/Concessions Kane

Too many gimmicks in too little time.

94. Rusev and Lana

No longer a thing and both ruined as acts due an awful angle.

95. Feuds that go past their sell-by date

By the sixth time they’ve faced off on RAW, I’m more than done with a feud.

96. Taking a comedy midcard team

And making one of them champion and it’s not a member of the New Day.

97. When the only time the mainstream talk about the show

Is when it’s rumoured to be targeted by terrorists.

98. Not taking an off-season

At the expense of the product’s quality and the talent’s health.

99. When you wonder – why am I still watching this?

Sometimes it feels like a habit you just can’t kick. No matter how bad it is.

So there’s 99 problems with RAW and to a certain extent the WWE at the moment. Can you think of anymore Cagesiders?

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.