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A Little Undertaker and Bray Wyatt Goes a Long Way

Too longs don't make a fight. Plus, Week 34 of the Wrestler Wrankings!

WWE.com

The Undertaker... arguably, the greatest Main Event performer in the history of WWE!

His track record of matches over the last quarter century is unassailable. In a big spot, he is THE GUY you want on your wrestling card. By sheer force of gravitas, he elevates even tremendous wrestlers, like Triple H, CM Punk, and Brock Lesnar, to another level of awesome.

Clearly, professional wrestling is about more than mere grappling savvy. Eventually the guy has to open his mouth and when he does, it's awesome... for the first few words.

The Undertaker's strength does not lie with delivering an extended speeches. When he does, the results are often monotonous. And I'm not speaking metaphorically, the Dead Man literally speaks in one tone.

As for content, it's mostly consistent. His opponent will "something-something-hell" and "something-something-dark-side." and will eventually "Rest in Peace™." Strangely, on RAW the Undertaker said that the Wyatt Family members who face him and Kane at Survivor Series will "never, Rest in Peace™." So which is it, 'Taker?

But hey, it's The Undertaker, right? We'll take what we can get as long as we can get it.

The situation worsened when Kane followed with a very Undertakery promo. My patience was stretched thin at this point, but whatever. Kane is a legend in his own right and has earned the right to follow in his brother's footsteps.

The straw that broke my attention's back was Bray Wyatt. He came out and cut one of his typically creepy but totally boring promos. I understand that he is a cult leader and he's hypnotic and how it's less about what he's saying than about how he's saying it. And hey, if I was indoctrinating folks into a cult I'd shoot straight for the kids as well, for longevity purposes alone! But god damn, as entertainment on a television show, Wyatt's promos are the pits.

The Undertaker is (to the extent that he is alive) a living legend. He can do whatever he wants and I'll eat it up even if his promos can border on tedious.

Bray Wyatt may be a made man in WWE's eyes, but his silver tongue and bottomless lungs aren't a license to bloviate. He has carved a niche as a sadistic whacko and that's fine. Undertaker has trod that path as well, but there can only ever be one Undertaker.

So much of Bray Wyatt's value as a wrestler is tied up in his oratory talent, and rightly so but he needs to learn what Polonius preached (but didn't practice): "brevity is... wit."

***

wrankings

OFFICIAL WRESTLER WRANKINGS FORMULA

ANY WIN = 2 POINTS

US OR INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE BOUT = 1 POINT

WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE BOUT = 3 POINTS

NON "BIG 4" PPV BONUS = 1.5X

SUMMERSLAM, SURVIVOR SERIES, ROYAL RUMBLE = 2X BONUS

WRESTLEMANIA = 3X BONUS

The WWE season begins on the day after WrestleMania 31 and culminates with WrestleMania 32. The wrestler who accumulates the most points over the course of the season, wins the coveted Wrankings Championship!

***

Monday Night Raw-- 11/16/15

  • Kevin Owens - 2 points (win)
  • Roman Reigns - 2 points (win)
  • Dean Ambrose - 2 points (win)
  • Alberto Del Rio - 2 points (win)
  • Tyler Breeze - 2 points (win)
  • Main Event-- 11/17/15

  • Titus O'Neil - 2 points (win)
  • Smackdown-- 11/19/15

  • Cesaro - 2 points (win)
  • Big E - 2 points (win)
  • Tyler Breeze - 2 points (win)
  • -----------------------------------

    WRESTLER WRANKINGS, WEEK 34 *TOP TEN*

    1. Seth Rollins -- 92 points

    2. John Cena -- 71.5

    3. Ryback -- 70

    4. Neville -- 61

    5. Kevin Owens -- 60.5

    6. Roman Reigns -- 54.5

    7. Dean Ambrose -- 44.5

    8. Sheamus -- 41.5

    9. Randy Orton -- 39

    10. Dolph Ziggler -- 37.5

    notable

    T18. Bray Wyatt -- 14

    Thanks for reading, Cagesiders. We'll see you back here next week!

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