Cageside Seats can be a lonely place at times.
That's because I'm one of Hogan's Heroes, a global (and surprisingly tight-knit) support group for stubborn devotees, like myself, who will take our love for all things Hulk Hogan to the grave. Backstage politics? Self defense. Embarrassing personal life? Media sensationalism. Thinning, silken hair and the skin of a hot dog?
For every guy (and gal) who dry heaves at the sound of BROTHER, there are marks like me who still bleed red and yellow. In fact, there's a fan base for every WWE personality, even if you think said personality has no business being on television. When I went to WrestleMania AXXESS in 2013, I stood in line with all shapes and sizes from the tri-state area, in what I would consider a fairly accurate representation of the "Universe" demographic.
And there was one female fan in attendance who was positively stunning.
Then she turned around and to just about everyone's disbelief, she was proudly wearing a MIZ tee shirt. Keep in mind, this was at the height of his douchery -- and the dichotomy was too much to resist -- so I approached her.
I had my kid with me, so it lessened the creep factor.
"Hey, cool shirt!" I lied. She lit up and gave me the obligatory "Thanks!" before telling me that her sole purpose for being there was to get cast in that dopey Christmas movie alongside The Miz (producers were there scouting), because he was just THE BEST THING on television.
That brings me to Jerry Lawler. Outside of my beloved Hulkster, I can't think of a pro wrestling personality who Cagesiders despise as much as "The King." Personally, I don't go after him like I do some other folks, because I don't believe his onscreen antics are done with malicious intent, but I understand the frustration. First and foremost, he adds nothing to the commentary.
In fact, he may even be a detriment to it.
That's because of his inability to evolve with the product. The Jerry Lawler at ringside in 2014 is the same Jerry Lawler who was jamming his elbow into the ribs of Jim Ross, way back in the "Attitude Era," every time he fired off a pun relating to "puppies" or something equally sleazy. It's not just that his jokes are unfunny, they're about 20 years past their expiration date.
Heck, even the Sherminator knew when to throw in the towel.
Though his greatest sin, from what I've been able to ascertain, is his desire to sleep with every beautiful woman under the WWE banner. Or perhaps the fact that he doesn't hide it, which can be problematic in the workplace. Having a crush is cute when everyone is at (or around) the same age, but Lawler was 42 when Paige was born and that ... that's just creepy.
And my god man, what is with those tee shirts? Who designed that crap ... Prince Jurgen von Anhalt?
But as the lot of us sit around and scratch our heads, aghast over his weekly tomfoolery, there is some WWE fan out there (besides Vince McMahon) in awe of what the "King" brings to the table. LOL OMG bro Jerry is the best, did you hear what he said last night on RAW? Bro ... I can't even!
I'm sure of it.
deserve should be allowed to have their representative, just as we are allowed to have ours. Once we start picking and choosing who belongs on television, based on how well they measure up to our standard of what is (or isn't) suitable for the "Universe," then we become MMA fans.
Everybody sucks except "my guy."
I think The Great Khali is awful. He can barely walk, has three moves, and is even less intelligible than Charlie Brown's teacher. But my kid is wild about him (I love when he chops people!) and his walkout music -- a harmless but largely forgettable Doppler effect of harmonic chanting -- was her first iTunes purchase when she picked up her new phone.
Enjoy my buck-twenty-nine, you bastards.
I'm tempted to tell her that Khali is nothing more than a decomposing prop, but for what? So she can think like me? Root for all the same people I root for? Complain about all the same angles I complain about? Boy, that sounds like a lot of fun, doesn't it?
On the plus side, my weekly RAW reaction posts would be a cinch to edit: RAW was on last night. It was good, we all liked it. Seth Rollins almost died and we felt something for like three seconds. Okay, see you next week.
No thanks, I think I prefer things just the way they are. The good, the bad, and the very ugly.