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CJ Parker's Cageside Evaluation

His name is CJ Parker and Cageside Seats readers have reported back on what they love and loathe about the future WWE World Heavyweight Champion. Here's the full evaluation.

Haven't done this in awhile, so let's just hear from you guys. First, what you loved:


"This role made Pamela Anderson’s career and was the reason why Baywatch was so popular."


"This theme. It’s perfect for a hippie, and it’s got this amazing 70’s feel that just makes it great. Say what you want about the guy, this is a damn good piece of music. I’m air-guitaring right now to this theme, that’s how awesome it is."

Duke Phillips:

"I feel bad for CJ. He’s obviously trying, but just not connecting with the crowd. I’ve always been a bit sympathetic towards him, as he seems like a nice guy, and I was a big Pauly Shore fan back in the day."


"He’s not as bad as Mojo."

The Unmasked Superstar:


Zombie Shakespeare:

"I like CJ Parker. I started watching NXT just as he turned heel. I don’t know what he did as a babyface that hurt you guys so badly, but at this point I think it’s more your issue than his. You might want to consider therapy. I like the eco-douche gimmick and think it has real potential. It’s a great heel move to take credit for mundane, everyday things. In one of his first heel promos, he declared that we should like him because he reduces, he reuses, and he recycles. It was great. He needs to do more stuff like that, instead of addressing more serious debates like fracking."


What you loathed:

the satyr icon:

"Weak moveset. Being on a NXT roster that has Adrian Neville, Kallisto, Sami Zayn and now KENTA, Parker’s benign array of moves is inexcusable; it screams basic and unimaginative. Initial ‘Moonchild’ hippie babyface persona; that was done to death, and even in the 1970’s when Hippies were actually around, it didn’t go over. CJ has the size, but not the look, physique-wise. I don’t think that he needs to be muscular to achieve what he wants to portray, but maybe lose the baby-fat? The totality of the CJ Experience is not a good one. If X-Pac Heat exists on main rosters, there is high chance that CJ Heat exists now on the NXT roster, which while that may get laughs, is sad, considering that for a person this is their dream, and they are royally fucking it up to the point that people do not want. CJ Parker is your basic wrestler, nothing more, nothing less, and unless drastic changes are made, will never rise above his spot on the NXT roster and the mindset of fans."


"Lanny Cravits should have won. Fucknuckle has no grace to it."

Sandow's Superior:

"Doors, for spelling Fucknuckle wrong."


"His ring gear. Put some pants on, dude. Why are you wearing a belt on trunks?"


"Love: He’s trying.
Loathe: He’s failing in every conceivable way."


"The Moonchild gimmick. Everything about it. Nothing special about his moveset. Used to have an amazingly lame finisher (a palm strike to the forehead)."


"Moveset – No
Mic Work – No
Face – No
Old Hot Pants Ring Attire – Hell no
New Brazilian Cut Speedo Ring Attire – $%^&*^$(^$&%&%#&"


"This isn’t really a loathe but he has an ass tattoo. I like tattoos and it’s no concern of mine if someone wants one on his/her ass. But for some reason, CJ Parker’s ass tattoo is bothersome. Maybe it’s the way it peeks out of his trunks. During his match you start thinking, 'What exactly is that on his ass? Why am I thinking about his ass?' You know, I think this might be worth a loathe after all."

Richie DiMaso:

"Everything about his face run, apart from a couple of interactions with Breeze and Brad Maddox."


"WORST FINISHERS EVER. Not only are a palm strike to the forehead and a crescent kick are bad a)weak looking, b) I’ve seen him botch both and c) would they even fucking hurt? Dude, you just slapped my forehead wtf? Was there a mosquito? At least an eye gouge actually hurts. Do something with some rotation and call it THE RECYCLER or better yet, chain 3 move together and call it REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE."

The ShockMaster:

"Look, sometimes people aren’t good at things, and sometimes those people persist at trying them, and sometimes people allow them to keep trying. C.J. Parker is not good at professional wrestling, but he keeps trying, and WWE keeps allowing him to do so. That’s the American Way.

I know, I know, you’re saying "but Uncle Fred, isn’t that the opposite of the American Way? Isn’t the American Way the best and brightest achieving great heights by being awesome?" We like to think it is, but it isn’t.

Let’s look at one of the most important entities in America – the legislature. Congress has incredibly low approval numbers right now. Ask anybody what they think of congress, and they’ll probably tell you it’s doing a horrendous job. It’s the one thing that Democrats and Republicans seem to generally agree on. But incumbents almost always have a built-in advantage come election time, unless (as the old saying goes) they’re found in bed with a dead girl or a live boy. It doesn’t matter how awful voters think congress is as a whole, they use the one tool they have to change that and don’t. I guess what I’m trying to say here is Loathe: CJ Parker is congress."

On to the poll! With 179 votes, CJ Parker's average score is 2.2.

Thanks, Cagesiders! Tomorrow's pick is good and bloody.

Until then!

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