Professional wrestling is as much about talking as it is about actual wrestling. We'll gladly watch men or women duke it out in the middle of a ring in venues across the globe, but we need a reason to care beyond "hey, this should be a good pro wrestling match between these pro wrestlers".
So we get promos from said wrestlers telling us exactly why we should care. Sometimes they hit (big) and sometimes they miss (badly). In this weekly feature, we'll deliver a few promos from the week that was, complete with text and video (if available) of the best and the worst.
Let's do THISSSS.
Sneaky Pete & Fat Tony
"Here's what I really want to know: How is Stephanie McMahon? Has anybody heard from Stephanie McMahon? She's in jail tonight? Stephanie, I have a message for you, I hope you can hear me. I'm going to try and get a hold of you tonight and get you some phone numbers of some guys that I know that have gotten me out of similar situations that you're in tonight, okay? Their names are Sneaky Pete and Fat Tony. They're good gu... they're 'good at what they do' guys, okay? They've helped me out in the past before, alright? And I want you to know something, alright: If any of those big burly women in jail tonight try and mess with you, or try to push you or rough you up, you stand up to them, okay? Because you're a McMahon, alright? You just stay strong, Stephanie, we're all praying for you."
Dean Ambrose is so good at being Dean Ambrose we can't be sure that Dean Ambrose isn't actually Dean Ambrose. He might be Dean Ambrose playing a better version of Dean Ambrose or, and this is a scary thought, he might be Dean Ambrose playing a lesser version of Dean Ambrose.
And Dean Ambrose knows some guys, namely Sneaky Pete and Fat Tony. Good thing, too, because Stephanie McMahon needed them after what she went through Monday night.
We're not worthy
"My name is Paul Heyman and my client Brock Lesnar conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania. Which is why, at this moment, my client hereby officially announces his intention to conquer John Cena and take the WWE world heavyweight championship at SummerSlam.
"Now, my client officially acknowledges this divide that permeates through the WWE Universe. There are those who wear their green t-shirts and pump up sneakers, and they scream with great passion their love and adulation for their hero by saying at the top of their lungs 'let's go Cena'. And there are those who offer the contrarian opinion and whose mommies don't tuck them into bed at night and they will say with great fervor and passion 'Cena sucks!'
"Now, it doesn't matter to my client which side of the fence you want to ride on. This malpracticing Dr. of Thuganomics is in for the beating of a lifetime. I don't just stand out there and spew hype and hyperbole. I exploit historical facts to shove my points down your throats. To wit: I offer you what happened the last time my client, Brock Lesnar, zeroed in on someone and decided to give them a beating.
"For years, everybody said I want to be the one to beat the Undertaker and snap the streak. But that wasn't good enough for Brock Lesnar. At WrestleMania, my client, Brock Lesnar, gave such a violent beating to the Undertaker that Vince McMahon had to ride in the ambulance to the hospital with the Undertaker because even our heartless chairman was concerned for a dead man's well being and life.
"Oh, John Cena? That same beating awaits you. And please don't confuse my client with some stereotypical vilain that comes out here and say 'John, you can escape this beating by giving up your title and laying it down at my feet.' Brock Lesnar makes you no such offer. John Cena, you can't escape this beating.
"At SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will take John Cena down.
"Brock Lesnar will punch John Cena's face in.
"John Cena, you are going to be hurt by Brock Lesnar.
"Brock Lesnar is going to injure John Cena.
"Brock Lesnar is going to mangle John Cena.
"And then, and only then, Brock Lesnar is going to F-5 John Cena and strip John Cena of the dignity of being the WWE world heavyweight champion the same way Brock Lesnar stripped the Undertaker of his dignity and exposed the streak as just being a myth; the same myth that Brock Lesnar hears every week on television when John Cena is referred to as being the greatest WWE champion of all time. Fifteen world titles in 10 years... now that sounds like something worth conquering.
"I pledge allegiance to the greatness of the conquerer who stands before me. And to his dominance, for which I stand, one Cenation, under John, now divisible, with no more hustle, loyalty, or respect for all.
"Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21 and 1, and at SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will beat John Cena and become the WWE heavyweight champion of the world."
The night after WrestleMania 30, roughly 24 hours removed from Brock Lesnar breaking Undertaker's streak, Paul Heyman was tasked with cutting a promo that would not only match the moment but enhance it. It would have to be doubly effective because Lesnar would be leaving immediately after to go on a hiatus that would last for three months.
He responded with arguably the greatest promo of all time.
Fast forward to this past Monday and Lesnar's return, marked by his being chosen to challenge John Cena for the WWE world heavyweight championship at SummerSlam. Again, Heyman was called on to remind us of just who the hell we're dealing with while reigniting a feud WWE hopes will help turn business around on the Network.
And, again, he hit a home run.
Take a bow, Paul; you're the best.
The agony of defeat
"I feel like I know The Miz pretty well but these days he's added something to his game. He's extra sneaky, extra crafty, extra ... annoying, I guess? Even though that's his thing. Honestly, it's a battle royal and it's about getting guys out. My pride has me looking for the top dog in the fight. I've never seen Sheamus lose a match and I said, 'you know what? I want to take this guy out myself.' And I felt it. I felt like it was me and Sheamus in that ring, the WWE Universe begging, pleading, for this one time to be this moment for me, and for them, and for all of us. And I finally came out on top for a split second.
"Never take your eyes off the prize.
"I didn't see him. There was a lot of people out there, it was a battle royal. I was focused on winning, focused on hanging on, focused on being the best damn sports entertainer in this business. And I wanted to prove it tonight. I wanted to become the Intercontinental champion. Not just because it's a championship, not just because all this pride is on the line, but because I feel like I don't just need it, I feel like I owe it to the WWE Universe to give them back something, some tiny shred of everything they've given to me. I put my body on the line every night, and tonight was no different.
"Classic Dolph. This close... right through my fingertips."
This was post-Battleground when Ziggler was last eliminated by The Miz in the Intercontinental championship battle royal just seconds after he eliminated Sheamus in a shocking surprise. Well, it was shocking to anyone who wasn't paying attention, considering WWE cameras caught Miz hiding on the outside just before the Ziggler-Sheamus showdown that was to act as the false finish.
Ziggler's promo acknowledges that his character has become the Philadelphia Eagles of the early 2000s.
One issue here: Dolph does this thing where he starts talking a mile a minute when he gets excited and it's unbearable, though your mileage may vary.
Jimmy: Little bit of Uso magic. Friday Night SmackDown, we on baby. Big win on Sunday, big win on Friday, baby!
Jey: This Uso momentum is going. We getting U-SO crazy. But we didn't do nothing wrong. All I did was lay by my brother and I let him (Curtis Axel) decide which one he wanted to pick up. He picked the wrong one up and I took the roll up.
Jimmy: It might be a little Bella magic, a little Uso magic. It's a twin thing, I guess, right?
Jey: We gotta go ask 'em how the magic really go down.
Jimmy: Yeah. Yeah.
This was your typical awful Uso promo where they just excitedly say words until it got a little creepy at the end there.
The Eater of Worlds
"Do you really believe that I would burden myself with such petty, squimish things? A loss in a battle means nothing to me because I know that it is the war that counts. War... that's my game, man. I created war. It wasn't so long ago that The Wyatt Family entered a WWE ring for the very first time. And in our short reign of terror we have dismantled giants, we have destroyed monsters, and most importantly of all we have brought so called heros to their knees and I ask you right now, Chris Jericho, just who in the hell is it you really think you're dealing with, man?
"I am Bray Wyatt, the Eater of Worlds, and I am every bit the monster that they all think I am. You will find Chris, that you cannot measure me like you measure a normal man. You cannot measure me by how much dollar bills I have in my pocket because society is my play thing. You cannot measure me by the days of the year because time is irrelevant to me. I live 100 years a day, man.
"There's been something ever since last night. It's been recurring over and over in my head and I can't shake it. It's something that Abigail used to say to me. She used to say, 'Be careful going out and chasing vengeance Bray. Because if you do, you'll need to dig two graves: one for your enemy, and one for yourself.'
"But unfortunately for you, Chris Jericho, I am forever."
This feature wouldn't be complete with Bray Wyatt making an appearance, would it? He is, after all, the Eater of Worlds who is once again bringing up Sister Abigail, which has single-handedly kept Tumblr running strong for the last week.
Feel free to fire off with your best fantasy booking in the comments section.
That's it for this week in promos.
Until next time.