Ah the first PPV since I started this! This'll be fun.
Before we start, some "real talk". I loved Paul Revere vs. Adam Rose. Revere hit his finisher, did a moonsault (!), and yelled "THE ELBOW IS COMING THE ELBOW IS COMING". Guys, you got to see Paul Revere do a moonsault. I don't care that I'm probably the only guy that liked this, I'm still dubbing this "the greatest filler match of all time".
But for those of you that hated it, and the other events of the past week, well, it could have been worse.
Let's rewind to Monday!
- Due to the recent budget cuts, WWE hires the producers of the movie "Birdemic: Shock and Terror" to put together their video packages.
- The Vickie Guerrero firing happened, as did the whatever-pool match. Except she didn't get to throw Stephanie in. This time, her big babyface sendoff was telling Stephanie she like to "eat farts". 7-year olds around the world are inspired by her bravery.
- After the participants in the Money in The Bank match are announced, Jack Swagger is forced to face all other members of the match in a gauntlet, like what Randy Orton had to do for the Elimination Chamber.
- Upon completing the gauntlet, Swagger is the only healthy member of the match left. Barrett suffers a separated shoulder, Ambrose has a broken jaw, RVD & Rollins suffer broken legs, Kofi Kingston suffers a flattened chest (or maybe it was like that before), and Ziggler has lung damage from trying to breathe while being buried so deeply.
- Oh yeah, so no Barrett vs. Ziggler either.
- This prompts the WWE to hastily throw in Xavier Woods, R-Truth, Rybaxel, and El Torito to the MITB match. To be portrayed as vicious, Torito for no good reason turns on Los Matadores while frothing at the mouth.
"THE BULL'S GOT RABIES MAGGLE! BUT HE'S STILL TWERKIN' MAGGLE!"
Dean Ambrose still gets added later too, saying there's no point in beating a dead horse with Rollins, and their feud is over.
- Rybaxel then reveals that they double as animal control, and they reign in El Torito to form the faction of RybAxElTorito. This unfortunately deprives us of seeing Rybaxel making an entrance with their wonderful department store beanies.
- A Total Divas MITB match is added to the card. Have fun trying to watch Eva Marie navigate a ladder. To get tips on the match, they go to RybAxElTorito, and decide to add to the faction, now becoming RybAxElToriTotalDivas. Also, I hope you weren't interested in seeing Paige on this card. She was fired for trying to retaliate when Jerry Lawler acted like Jerry Lawler.
- The Total Divas then reveal that they have a new pair of hair stylists, the Ascension. Cameron makes the announcement. "ACTOOALLYWEACTOOALLY, ACTUALLY; ACTUALLY ACTUALLY: ACTUALLY. ACTUALLY, ACTUALLYACTOOOALLLEEY theyrethenxtchampsAscensionnotasgoodasMelinavsAliciaFox ACTUALLY".
Somewhere, Tyson Kidd yells "FACT".
The faction of RybAxElToriTotalDivAscension is thus formed.
- The 3-on-4 handicap match is going as usual until Kane comes, at which point all 7 other wrestlers attack John Cena, who is able to fight them all and hit a septuple Attitude Adjustment, which ends up looking like he just lets 7 wrestlers slide off his shoulders. The show ends with him standing atop the pile of bodies.
AND ONWARD TO THE PPV.
- The Usos vs. the Wyatt Family becomes a verbal debate for the Tag Team Championship. The referee calls for stoppage after the Usos pull the "USOCRAZZY" trump card.
- The Total Divas MITB match lasts 2 minutes, as all the Divas are wiped out after getting hit with one move each. Cameron wins; I hope you guys are ready for "I'M ACTUALLY GONNA CASH IN LIKE ACTUALLY. ACTUALLY, I ACTUALLY SHOULD ACTUALLY, NOT LYING, BUT ACTUALLY WAIT TO ACTUALLY, ACTUALLY CASH IN ACTUALLY".
- We don't actually get to see a SandowSault or hear him say "THE ELBOW IS COMING". I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that would be heartbroken by this, but I'm still adding it.
- The MITB match is going fine, with Xavier Woods being the designated whipping boy. "YOU MUST JOB EVERYWHERE STOOPID" Ryback yells at him. The conclusion will see all competitors climbing the ladder at once, and when they all are simultaneously reaching for the briefcase at the top....
....I DON'T GET HYPED, I STAY HYPED!
Mojo Rawley hits the ramp and hits a thunderous Rear-View that knocks the ladder down, sending everyone flying. He then sets the ladder back up and hits hyperdrive onto Ambrose off the top of the ladder. He then climbs up the ladder and wins. I hope you're excited to see the WWE World Heavyweight Champion succumb to a flying butthole!
- Summer Rae vs. Layla is now a "Fulfill Your Kevin Dunn Fantasy" Match with.... ugh, I feel bad just thinking about what that would be. Anyway, a match with stuff that was worse than what you saw.
- Don't worry IWC, I know you think the outcome of the WWE WHC ladder match couldn't have been any worse. So instead, I'll give you exactly the champion you were clamoring for from the start: ALBERTO DEL RIO. Del Rio is much more well utilized in this match (real talk: his only real involvement in last night's match was an enzuigiri and a superkick. That's it), and we can rest easy knowing that the guy we wanted the belts on ever since Hell in a Cell last year finally has them. Also, the match was changed at the last minute to a Money in the Bank Chairs match; you have to stack chairs on top of one another to reach the title. After 45 minutes of futility, all the competitors work together to get the belts. Del Rio holds the belts high while Rawley comes out with trunks that say "Mr. Money in the Bank" on the bum.