WWE "Legends House" is back for episode two on the WWE Network, featuring a geriatric reality show filmed two years ago starring Gene Okerlund, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Hillbilly Jim, Howard Finkel, Jimmy Hart, Roddy Piper, Pat Patterson, and Tony Atlas, with (cough) "celebrity" appearances from guys like Gary Busey.
Talk about a recipe for success.
We kick things off with a quick look back at last week's offering, which ended with Piper wandering around the desert, howling at the moon. He finds his way back to the house, so as far as cliffhangers go, that was a bit of a letdown. Duggan tucks him into bed when he gets back and all's well that ends well.
"Piper's got more issues than TV Guide," he warns.
The next morning, the housekeeper shows up and she's not hot, so there goes that fantasy. Then again, it didn't seem to stop Arnold Schwarzenegger. She barges in on a half-naked Hillbilly Jim and appears to be unfazed. Elsewhere in the house, Atlas is drawing a picture of his wife and hitting a front-double biceps in the pool.
There appear to be some leftover hard feelings from last week's argument between Atlas and Duggan, so they decide to bury the hatchet because they are very old and I guess you never know when it's the last time you're going to see someone.
Ashley is back! And still smoking hot.
She informs the crew they are booked to play polo -- the game with horses and golf clubs I assume -- and nobody looks that thrilled, probably because osteoporosis and horseback riding generally don't mix. Atlas promises to knockout any steed that gives him a hard time.
Kind of like when Conan sucker-punched that camel.
They get to the course and surprise! They will be using golf carts instead of horses. Probably because WWE couldn't get the liability waivers approved by its insurance company. How it works, is each "Legend" has a cute female driver, while they ride shotgun and try to hit the ball.
It actually looks like fun.
We need a Cageside Seats version but regrettably, this site has a disproportionate cute female-to-grotesque male ratio. Oh shit, we have some drama on the course. Apparently someone was cheating -- something about a power play -- and Jimmy Hart was having none of it.
Now everyone starts cutting promos and Duggan lets out a hooooeeeeee!
Hart's buggy gets rear-ended and he's ejected onto the field. I hope someone takes that clip and dubs in the infamous Jim Ross "car crash" call. It's all tied up and we have a shootout. Hillbilly shanks it and Duggan capitalizes by draining one for the win.
Then he chants "USA! USA!" for reasons undetermined.
Blue Team wins and they all get together for dinner. Everyone takes turns reliving old memories. Dates like 1958 were being tossed around, to give you some perspective. Atlas, however, is tired of hearing the same old tales. Ashley crashes the party with a present for the red team.
They lost and must now shovel horse shit, and Hillbilly Jim looks right at home. Atlas tries to cut a promo on a horse and it no-sells his fist pump. Then we cut to Jimmy Hart blowdrying his hair back at the house. He's also standing there in a towel and looks like a deflated King Hippo.
This is unsettling. I am now deathly afraid of getting old.
Atlas tells Hart that he went to the doctor and found out his IQ is one point away from "banana." Pat Patterson can't stand Tony's constant rambling and announces that he must leave the room to go blow his nose. Okerlund scurries after him in fear of being left alone with the hulking motormouth.
Piper just lost a squash match to the refrigerator, who looks to have picked up a few finishing moves from the blender on episode one.
Ashley is back and baring cleavage.
She wants to take the guys to the gym for one of her workouts. Finkel is overjoyed, especially when he gets to the gym and sees that it's full of women. Piper starts hugging every female in sight. The smiles quickly fade when it's learned they'll be doing Zumba.
Latin dance + old folks' hips = recipe for disaster.
Atlas said Piper looked like he was having a seizure, while Okerlund was afraid Finkel would collapse and fall through the floor because he's over 300 pounds. By the time it's over, they're all a hot mess.
They go back to the house for dinner and hilarity ensues. Not really, it's just a bunch of old people trying (unsuccessfully) to defrost hamburger meat.
Patterson and Okerlund get heat for not cooking dinner, but claim they had to jump ship because all the meat was frozen. Piper and Duggan decide to order take out and Atlas throws a bunch of chicken on the grill anyway. Good thing, too, because Hacksaw can't figure out how to work his GPS.
After a couple of close calls, the night ends in harmony, and Chef Tony Atlas is now a face.
That's a wrap for week two.