:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/10984297/superstars-logo.0.jpg){kind=logo}
Remember CageSiders. We watch, so you don't have to.
Great Khali defeats JTG
in approximately two and a half minutes via pinfall
• I like to play a little game with myself before I watch Superstars. In my younger days, it would involve horse tranquilizers, but now I just try to guess what combination of wrestlers will appear on the show. Tonight I guessed Kofi Kingston (always a safe bet), Natalya (the female Kofi, at least in the Superstars universe), Alicia Fox and Drew McIntyre.
• Why am I telling you this? This was a two and a half minute Great Khali match. What else am I going to tell you that you couldn't guess on your own?
• Do I get points for guessing the Punjabi Princess, even if she is wearing a flower print sun dress and dancing with a little person instead of wrestling? Poor Natty. I even feel sorry for Hornswoggle (no I don't).
• Brooklyn's finest jumps on the big man's back, but gets shoved around and chopped in a couple of ring corners. If his opponents could find a way to neutralize Khali's chops, that would be a good strategy, because they're about 97.5 per cent of his offense. Sometimes he pushes people.
• JTG gets back in it with a dropkick to the knee, some ground & pound and a kick to the head before cinching in a choke hold so that the Indian doesn't gas. Or melt. Or whatever would happen if one of his matches went three minutes.
• When Khali gets back to his feet by the power of babyface (wrestling jargon for good guy, not L.A. Reid's producing partner) and Jason decides to run right at him multiple times even though he gets elbowed, kicked or chopped for it. Every. Damn. Time. Khali chop to the cranium puts everyone out of their misery.
Match Footage (it's nearly the whole durn thing - they cut a little of JTG's opening attack and included some post-bell dancing) below via WWE.com''s Official YouTube Channel:
And that's it, kids. The show runs almost fifty minutes, but after the "hot" 150 second opener, we get:
• A commercial for HHH vs Lesnar
• John Cena's entire promo from Raw
• The entire Shawn Michaels, HHH, Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman segment
• Alberto Del Rio's beating at the hands of Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter
• Rock's entire promo from Raw
• The controversial Undertaker & Punk closing segment
I'd offer you some Snapple facts, but that would be gimmick infringement.
If I have to dignify this insult to my time, and passion, and whatever brain power I offer to pro wrestling with a grade, then it's F. As in what Nicolas Cage says here, followed by "you".
(Thanks to Kanenite for that last link. I may be above gimmick infringement, but I will steal a good joke.)
Feel free to comment on who exactly you think a clip show like this is being produced for, or just to thank me for saving you a few minutes out of a busy week when there are so many better things you could be watching.