I would love to use my editorial space here today to talk about how good WWE programming has been lately. How the greatest sports company in the world has done a superb job, of late, in leveraging its current stars to make the stars of tomorrow. How the victors on this week's Smackdown read like a laundry list of the next decade of main event participants. Cena, Orton, Bryan, Reigns, Cesaro, Langston. We should be so lucky.
But I can't.
I just can't do it because there a much bigger story here that I just cannot ignore even in the face of all this good news. An issue that I am legitimately hot about.
For all the no good things that Triple H, Stephanie McMahon, and the rest of The Authority have done in the name of business, at least the victims of their machinations were only people who were involved with, or at least interested in, wrestling.
But they finally went too far this Monday on RAW.
If you watched the episode then you know what I'm talking about already, but just in case you were under a rock, or actually enjoying your family and friends this week... they threatened the continued existence of Christmas.
That's right. The very fate of the actual Christmas holiday was at stake when Mark Henry fought Damien Sandow in a "Good Santa vs. Bad Santa" match.
That's 2000+ years of history, all the trees, cards, presents, mangers, charity, and all the other implications of the cancellation of the holiday were put at risk. Worse, it wasn't even a straight singles match where the better man would likely emerge victorious, but instead a crap shoot of a holiday donnybrook where the competitors were opening presents that contained various weapons that were legal in the fight!
Quite frankly, we're all lucky that Damien Sandow's genius IQ apparently doesn't include the basic how-to of operating a fire extinguisher or we'd all be celebrating Kwanza right now.
Don't even get me started on how God himself might feel about his own son's birthday party getting cancelled, if you believe in that sort of thing...
Thankfully, Mark Henry unwrapped a surprisingly useful toilet and was able to subdue Sandow and win the match, saving Christmas. At least until Triple H decides to risk it all in a Super Posedown between Hornswoggle and Gary Strydom, or some shit.
We dodged a serious bullet this time, but The Authority must be stopped before other holidays suffer a similar risk. If Valentine's Day gets cancelled then Russell Stover and Trojan may well go under! Britain may re-establish colonial rule over America without Independence Day! Hell, our entire ecosystem may be in peril without Arbor Day! It's just too dangerous to be risking these things.
Monkeying with our beloved holidays is most certainly NOT best for business.
OFFICIAL WRESTLER WRANKINGS FORMULA
ANY WIN = 2 POINTS
US OR INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE BOUT = 1 POINT
WWE OR WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE BOUT = 3 POINTS
NON "BIG 4" PPV BONUS = 1.5X
SUMMERSLAM, SURVIVOR SERIES, ROYAL RUMBLE = 2X BONUS
WRESTLEMANIA = 3X BONUS
The WWE season begins on the day after WrestleMania 29 and culminates with WrestleMania 30. The wrestler who accumulates the most points over the course of the season, wins the coveted Wrankings Championship!
Monday Night Raw -- 12/23/13
Main Event -- 12/25/13
SmackDown -- 12/27/13
WRESTLER WRANKINGS, WEEK 38 *TOP TEN*
1. RANDY ORTON -- 112.5 points
2. Alberto Del Rio -- 109.5
3. Daniel Bryan -- 92.5
4. Curtis Axel -- 72.5
5. John Cena -- 71
6. Dolph Ziggler -- 51.5
7. Big E. Langston -- 51
8. Fandango -- 47
9. Miz -- 43
10. Rob Van Dam -- 42
Thanks for reading, Cagesiders. We'll see you back here next week!