Preview for the December 19, 2013 episode of TNA Impact: Pretty mama, come and take me by the hand

Previously on Impact Wrestling

The show continues to clear the table of the crumbs left over by the previous regime. First, we buried Aces and Eights. Now Eric Young has figured out that Abyss is Joseph Park (and vice versa). Next thing you know, Sting will realize he's fifty years old and hang up the old rasslin' t-shirt once and for all.

But first, he's gotta stand up to Ethan Carter III and all of his bullying of the Fernums, Barnes, Hebner and Borashes of the world.

Bobby Roode and Kurt Angle continued the best feud nobody is watching, with Angle demanding a fight and Roode heel-ishly refusing, saying that he had already proven himself to be the better man time and time again. When their latest pull apart brawl ruined Dixie Carter's collection of state fair memorabilia, the only possible outcome was a two-out-of-three falls match for this week.

Rockstar Spud, Dixie's Chief of Staff, was on a mission for the boss. He was on the road in rural Georgia looking for "Allen Jones" and his pilfered TNA World title. Much fish-out-of-water hilarity ensued, until AJ Styles threatened to re-enact Pulp Fiction with Spud as The Gimp to his Zed. That doesn't seem very Christian, to me, but it is Georgia. Maybe Gainesville is like Sparta.

As for what Carter refers to as the real TNA World title, that will be decided this week in a "Dixieland" match, which involves ladders, cages, the stage and a bunch of other stuff that doesn't really have anything to do with any connotation of the term "Dixieland" that I've ever heard. The President of TNA seems to be hedging her bets, meeting with both finalists, Magnus and Jeff Hardy, in private following their face off last week.

Austin Aries is X-Division champ again, giving him something do and rendering Chris Sabin's latest run with that belt almost as pointless as his run with the World championship was. And for all of his promo skills, Bully Ray's Bray Wyatt impersonation is kind of weak. His sneak attack skills were enough to keep Mr. Anderson out of the Feast or Fired, though.

That match resulted in Gunner, Zema Ion, EC3 and Chavo Guerrero holding briefcases. I wonder who will get a pink slip in theirs...

Jeebus, last week's show was packed full of things of mixed quality! I ran out of room to talk about the shocking return of Madison Rayne, or how mad James Storm is at Gunner, or...

TONIGHT

It's pay-per-view-quality (PPVq) time again, as Final Resolution is live and free on Spike TV! Taped at some point in the last month at the Impact Zone! We're spoiler-free, but check out our TNA section for all the scoop.

Dixie will have her champion, after either the Charismatic Enigma or the Brit of Enigmatic Charisma escapes the cage, goes to ramp, climbs the ladder and claims the title. Dixieland is Russo-rific!

Feast or Fired Briefcases will be opened, as we ask...do they have three titles to give to shots at for the non-fired contestants? Is more than one guy getting fired? Or is Gunner getting a shot at the tag titles because there will be tension between him and his partner? Or does the return of Abyss mean the Television title is back? Dang it TNA, just when I think I know the answers - you change the questions!

The Cyborg and The It Factor will go best-two-out-of-three in what I would presume if the blow-off of their feud. I'd be okay with it going longer, but I might be in the minority on that. Until he can get back in the main event, this might be the best use of Bobby Roode.

And all of the currently employed Knockouts will be in one match, when champ Gail Kim and Lai'D Tapa tag against ODB and Madison Rayne.

Expect to pop for:

Pretending to move in slow motion. Have you ever watched a cage or a ladder match and thought, "man, I wish there were more opportunities for guys to have to move ridiculously slow so that their opponent can catch up"?

I give you...Dixieland.

Much as I love Carter's little smirky giggle when she announces her signature concept match, that's a whole lot of explaining for a title match. But just imaging the much physical acting we'll get!

Hardy pausing to drape himself over the side of the cage so Magnus can catch up with him! Magnus, hands on knees to catch his breath on the ramp to give Jeff time to get out of the steel structure! Hardy climbing the ladder at the rate of one rung per minute to give Magnus a chance to throw some punches at his back!

The heat is on:

Getting a clear cut, decisive winner for your title tournament. Another thing Dixieland should be good for is protecting the loser of the match. With all those structures and props and climbing, it'll be about as far from having one man pin the other 1 - 2 - 3 as you can get.

Since, presumably, this ends with a turn as the new champ becomes Carter's corporate champ in the battle against that rebel AJ, it's fine that the finish will be a little murky. But it seems to defeat the purpose of this promotion's continual string of series and tourneys that there are always shenanigans to these gimmicks designed to determine the best man of the field.

Forget final, will tonight's resolution even be satisfying?

Let us know what you think in the comments below. Watch the show along with your favorite Cagesiders in the open thread/live blog, and we'll let you know what we think after it airs on Spike!