Review of "Chyna is Queen of the Ring" - Part Four

This is the fourth and final part of my comprehensive review of Chyna's latest wrestling project: Chyna is Queen of the Ring.

Chyna wrestled against Vince and Stephanie McMahon in part one. She outlasted eight legends of the ring in part two. And she had a rough experience with Captain Lou Albano in part three.

But now it is finally time for the main event, where Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair are already in the ring awaiting Chyna's arrival!

Hogan and Flair have been running the ropes for at least ten minutes. Kelly Kelly could learn a thing or two from them. Chyna has recovered from her last match and finally makes her entrance. She runs towards the ring and rolls into the ring...and keeps rolling until she falls out of the other side of the ring.

Gosh, I have no clue what the heck that was. Is she ok? Hogan and Flair look at each other with bewildered expressions on their faces. That may have been a shoot.

There is an obvious edit and now she is on her knees in the ring and both Flair and Hogan are clobbering her in the face with weapons that look like penises. I apologize, I know that is kind of graphic and probably unexpected for the audience reading this review, but that's the best way I can find to describe it. I'm just telling it like it is; I'm not going to resort to something sophomoric like salami jokes.

Both of these guys appear to have some legitimate beef with Chyna.

The commentator tells us he will call the action with a quiet golf voice. It's about time we get some commentary during a match. Hogan is busy with Chyna but the commentator is focused on Ric Flair, who is standing to the side performing 5-Knuckle Shuffles. Or are those Figure-One Hand Locks?

Hogan performs a move called the "hole-in-one" on Chyna's mouth while Flair stands to the side and practices even more 5-Knuckle Shuffles. Meanwhile this commentator is totally obsessed with Ric Flair's masturbatory and self-aggrandizing antics that Flair is well known for. Apparently Ric Flair prefers manual transmission. I'm starting to think that maybe the absence of commentary is preferable to this Flair-centric ear torture that I cannot escape.

Flair finally goes in for the kill on Chyna while Hogan slaps Chyna's chest with his way-less-than-24-inch python. They then stand Chyna up and bend her over. She is having trouble staying in that position so they reset the spot. Hogan is essentially choking her with his python while Flair is is giving her repeated and rhythmic low-blows from the other side.

Hulk Hogan happens to have some bags of tea that he decides to place inside Chyna's mouth. I've never seen a wrestler use that move before. But Hulk Hogan's repertoire has always been dependent upon innovation and unpredictability.

One of the men shouts out "Ooooh Yeah." That might be the most shameless example of gimmick infringement that I have ever witnessed. Hogan tries to cut a promo on Chyna during the action but Chyna sadly cuts him off by whimpering "You never loved me." I think she might be confusing Hogan's blonde hair for HHH. Who knows what's going on in her head? Hogan is dumbfounded and immediately shuts up.

Hogan and Flair switch positions. Ric Flair's penis-like weapon has drastically shrunk in size right now and doesn't look the least bit threatening. Meanwhile Hogan is using his python to rip into Chyna and calls her "brother." He is really trying to heighten the energy level in the ring. But Flair is still having tons of trouble recovering from his obvious Flair Flop and nothing Chyna does seems to help him get back up.

Oh god no, here is the big spot that I was hoping I would never be forced to witness. As we all know, Hulk Hogan is a huge fan of back(door)stabbing people, and so he starts assaulting Chyna in such a way that makes me think this might actually be a First Anal Blood Match. There is a very creepy camera shot of Chyna where she looks barely more alive than Katie Vick. Hogan is extremely slow with his attack though. This is no surprise since we all know that Hogan is very methodical with his backdoor politics.

My goodness this is really shocking as there is a super close-up of Hogan's backstabbing. I have never seen Chyna's wrestling equipment that up-close before, and I don't think I ever want to see her that up-close from that angle ever again. The Hulkster fervently pursues this backstabbing as if his life depends on it. He also seems to be manually digging for gold inside parts unknown using The Fingerpoke Of Doom. I wonder if he'll find anything interesting inside that frightening abyss?

Oh my god this is now the most horrific thing I have ever seen. Why is the camera so close up for this part? I'll take Sid breaking his leg any day over this completely terrorizing footage. Chyna is barely making any noises or movements and is no-selling the entire thing. I swear she is just sandbagging Hogan in this fight.

Flair now takes his turn and immediately continues where Hogan left off. Flair is using Carlito's backcracker to neutralize Chyna from the rear. Flair is definitely going to be the dirtiest player in the game once he finishes up with that filthy move. I am just nauseated by this experience. The commentator stopped calling the action a long time ago so I guess it was too much for him as well.

Oh hell no. Chyna, with a last ditch effort, unleashes the most dangerous move known to man: Chyna's Worm! There is that super extreme up-close camera shot and now it is squarely on Chyna's two-inch worm. Her bone-chilling worm is taking up the entire screen on my 32-inch television set. It is as if I am face-to-worm with Chyna.

No! No! No!

These are the words that immediately flash through my mind while my sanity starts to erode: gurgle, vomit, diarrhea, sludge, leakage, toxic waste, and Nickelback. I am shell-shocked.

Ugh, that worm just won't go away. What the hell is that thing? Does it have a pulse? This is permanently traumatizing and I am suffering severe brain damage right now and am losing feeling in places where I didn't even know I had places. That extremely up-close camera shot is only making things worse. I am definitely paying my dues during this bout.

Chyna is now doing her best impression of a bone-starved dog and Hogan and Flair continue to work her over with blow after blow. There is barely any noise at all, just highly uncomfortable action. I'm trying with every fiber of my being to focus on the lone ancient white CRT computer monitor that is just hanging outside the left side of the ring. But the camera shot changes and forces me to watch some more of this match.

Chyna's hideous worm is staring me right in the face one more freakin' time! Good god almighty I am broken in half! Would someone stop the damn match! I don't know if I can make it to the end of this. I have never felt this disgusted with myself before.

Ric Flair still looks about as Orton Soft as someone can be as he hangs around Chyna's face like a useless creep.

Hogan is giving it his all and is carrying this match. Hogan is basically double-dipping here thanks to Flair's lack of participation in the fight. There are truly No Holes Barred for Hogan in this main-event contest. He is constantly going back and forth just like any skilled tweener is taught to do.

Chyna continues to make intermittent awkward noises. Flair isn't even trying at this point. Only the tip of his knee is even in the camera shot. He could really use a friendly compass right now to lead him back in the right direction.

And I am now completely numb. I can't feel anything any more. I have lost all ability to sense or perceive. Is this what Adam Sandler movies feel like? And is Chyna now visiting an ATM machine in the middle of a wrestling match? That's the last straw, my soul has left my body. All the world is a fog.

Ok I'm conscious again. Hogan is still spelunking inside parts unknown while Ric Flair suddenly shows up out of nowhere and shoots some green mist onto Chyna's neck. Or white mist. Whatever, at this point it could be chunky oatmeal that fell out of a bowl for all I know. Flair lets out a "Wooo!" but doesn't really have his heart into it. That was nothing more than a cheap pop from Flair.

Hollywood continues his relentless backstabbing of Chyna. Finally it is time for him to finish this match off, so he takes a few seconds to Hulk Up and then he shoots his white mist. Hogan blasted Chyna right in the face with it. I have to give Hulk credit; he really showed a lot of spunk tonight. Out of a dozen or so mist sprays Hogan's is the only one that actually looked effective at disabling his opponent. He even got carried away with it and overshot to some degree.

Chyna is then shown holding up some sort of world title belt as the show comes to an end while the credits roll. I guess she won? I assume some replacement referees were calling this fight because she sure as hell didn't look like a winner to me.

This match gets a 0.25 star rating, and that is solely due to the hard work put in by the master ring general Hulk Hogan. He wore his working boots to this main event match and was nothing less than the total package on this wrestling card. But Chyna and Flair were complete duds and clearly didn't want to be in that ring. I have never seen a wrestler care less about a match than Ric Flair did about this fight.

The camera work for this match really made things disturbing for the viewer. Commentary stopped partway through without any explanation. This was just a piss-poor excuse of a main event match. It clocked in at around 26 minutes. That was way too long for the type of effort that we got here from Chyna and Flair.

On the bright side, I am massively relieved that there wasn't a surprise run-in from DDP and his partner DAP. The last thing I needed to see was a double-team screwjob ending like that. But maybe those guys are waiting for a future stretcher match before they make their appearance.

This wrestling card was a huge waste of time, money, brain cells, and faith in humanity. I would not recommend it to anybody. Chyna isn't a draw in the world of wrestling anymore and it isn't enjoyable to see her go out to the ring and just lay there for a paycheck while Hulk Hogan does all the work.

So there you have it. That is the end of my comprehensive four-part review of Chyna is Queen of the Ring. Do yourself a favor and avoid this disaster at all costs.

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