This is part two of my comprehensive review of Chyna's latest wrestling project: Chyna is Queen of the Ring. You can read part one by clicking here. The first part ended with a wild brawl inside Chyna's dressing room. But now it is finally time to head to the ring for FuckleMania 2012!
Gene Oakerfunk welcomes us to FuckleMania 2012. For some odd reason Gene lets us know that he happens to enjoy The Golden Girls during his most private and intimate moments. Don't we all?
It is time for the Jizzapalooza match. The winner qualifies for a main event match later in the show. The participants for the Jizzapalooza match make their entrances, starting with Bret Hart. They inform us that Bret Hart is allergic to sunlight, which is why he wears his sunglasses everywhere he goes. That makes sense. We also learn that Stu Hart is extremely well-endowed. They even provide us with a quick summary of Bret's autobiography: "First he wrestled, then he didn't, then he did. The end." If only Bret could have kept it that short.
The Iron Sheik, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and an unnamed clown make rather unspectacular entrances. I will refer to the clown as Doink for the remainder of this review.
Next is John Cena with his "nice pajamas" and who "likes to pretend he's in the military" because "the salute really proves you're in the military."
The Rock comes out and makes a thoroughly startling entrance. He has a gut and I think he says he smells pussycats. The commentator lets us know that The Rock must have a really keen sense of smell because "there are only two ladies in the house tonight." But his physical condition is the real news here. It looks to me like Dwayne's been eating an endless supply of Doritos Locos Tacos since we last saw him on Raw 1000.
HHH is up next and he has his horrible facial hair from around 2005. He spits his water, as expected. The commentator tells him to "stay hydrated buddy, you're gonna be losing a lot of fluids." HHH then bends an invisible bar with his hands.
Chyna is the final participant to enter the ring and the fight begins. HHH is suddenly missing in action and no explanation is given. In fact the commentator has completely stopped talking once again.
The six heels all rush in and go right after Chyna. This thing quickly devolves into what appears to be a six-on-one handicapped weapons match. They all throw Chyna down on her knees and circle around her. Each guy takes turns bludgeoning her right in the face with occasionally large kendo sticks and other assorted cylindrical weapons. This action is impure adulterated brutality; I don't think RVD even works this stiff! Chyna is risking it all here because it is just one unprotected weapon strike after another.
HHH has now joined the fray to make it seven versus one. Chyna is really taking a beating here. Cena is standing in the background just looking useless, so I guess heel Cena really isn't any different from face Cena. How disappointing.
Chyna seems almost drugged out in this match. She is rambling nonsense while getting her face walloped with kendo stick after kendo stick. Iron Sheik sneak attacks her from behind with a flesh-toned baseball bat and this immediately busts her open hardway. That was inevitable in a match like this. Cena finally wakes up and ruins Sheik's timing by taking Chyna away from him and shoving his own Caucasian broom handle at her face while the other wrestlers all go back to stamping mushrooms into Chyna's forehead with their loaded arsenal of cylindrical weapons.
This is now getting really boring. It just the same lame weapon attacks over and over again right towards her mouth. And the stiffness has completely evaporated as now they are just passively poking around towards her mouth with their weapons rather than swinging away with abandon. HHH shouts out in agony at one point even though Chyna is completely submissive and he is the one with the upper hand. This is just terrible storytelling right here.
Now Chyna is on her knees bent over and getting smashed from behind with a rotting wooden pipe. But the camera work is awful. I can't even see the face of the guy who is pounding her with the decaying wood so I have no clue who it is. The only thing I can say for sure is that it is a white guy.
Meanwhile Doink is laying on the ground and jabbing Chyna in the face with a pulsating hot dog. I know this is a weapons match and all, but that is just silly. They really couldn't just find a rusty crowbar for this clown? Cena is once again standing around doing absolutely nothing. So far this is one of the worst non-Khali matches I have ever seen. Cena makes things even worse by sticking his bare rear cheeks right into the camera before switching places with Doink.
Chyna shouts out "I'm Janet Jackson" for no reason at all. That was awkward.
Chyna then sternly calls for the white mist spot, but the ring is mic'd so I can clearly hear her call the spot. That's just an unacceptable rookie mistake right there and really harms my suspension of disbelief as well as the integrity of the sport. But the guy behind her follows her orders and drops the white mist on her left cheek and some also lands in her hair just under her left ear. And I still have no idea which wrestler just used that crippling white mist maneuver because the camera man once again didn't even bother to show his face. Don't they know that we need to see the guy's face during moments like that? Facials are simply too important to ignore in pro-wrestling.
John Cena informs us that Bret Hart was the "one-minute man" who just dropped his white mist on Chyna's face. Bret wasn't much of a sharpshooter with that white mist so I never would have known. And so apparently Bret Hart is eliminated from the match. Huh? I don't get that. It would be nice if the commentators explained why Bret was eliminated. I didn't even see him get pinned or thrown over the top rope. He never even locked Chyna into Sting's Scorpion Death Lock. Unbelievable. On the bright side he did last for more than 18 seconds.
The Iron Sheik now has Chyna bent over and is pelting her repeatedly from behind with a big floppy donkey disk. Chyna is selling his offense by using broken up speech that doesn't convey any meaningful or clear emotion.
Cena once again makes things even worse by hunching over Chyna and doing something to the back of her neck with his mouth. I have no clue what the hell that is supposed to be, maybe biting? Cena is just awful.
The Iron Sheik steps aside so that HHH can take his turn at Chyna with his dry sledgehammer. I have to admit his sledgehammer looks quite a bit smaller and has less girth than the last time I saw him use it at WrestleMania 28.
Doink goes next while Cena is now pulling on Chyna's hair like a goof. This is the worst John Cena match ever.
A chair is set up in the middle of the ring and Stone Cold sits on it. He puts Chyna in his lap and in typical Stone Cold fashion starts giving her the big finger, although it is a tad malleable.
The Rock thinks this looks fun so he trades places with Stone Cold. However it is quite evident that The People's Strudel is clearly hurting Chyna more than any weapon thus far. I guess the white guys just didn't come as well-equipped as The Rock did for this match.
We are over fifteen minutes into this fight but it feels like it has already taken an hour. Please end this hell. Gene Oakerfunk is also bored and interrupts the match to tell us a joke about Mormons. Meanwhile my ears and eyes still want to die. Even John Tesh music is more tolerable than this.
The camera cuts back to the ring and the chair is magically gone. Chyna is now getting assaulted from underneath by John Cena's broom handle while HHH is standing up and working over her face with his cocked sledgehammer.
As the wrestlers continue to strategically penetrate Chyna's defenses, Chyna's hair keeps falling over the front of her face. Stone Cold is considerate enough to hold her hair back while the other guys continue their blitzkrieg in the midst of this chaotic war zone.
Mean Gene, donning a suit and tie, suddenly jumps into the ring and starts spearing Chyna's face with his four-inch microphone over and over again. Why the hell is he even in there? I would probably be marking out if this was a surprise appearance for him in a Royal Rumble match. But his attack just doesn't make any sense in this context.
Mean Gene is suddenly gone and instead The Iron Sheik has locked in the camel toe clutch. He then high-fives Doink as they attack her from opposite sides. At the point of contact of the high-five, the three of them together resemble the Eiffel Tower. That's a pretty neat gimmick.
HHH then trades places with Doink. It feels like I have typed some variation of that sentence a dozen times already in this match. There are clearly way too many wrestlers in this fight.
Chyna has no idea what's going on and says "Yummy." Ok then. I'm not touching that one with a ten-foot pole.
Mean Gene informs us that The Iron Sheik "is pumping for oil." But within seconds of that announcement, Mean Gene takes over The Iron Sheik's spot and starts making crazy spasm-like motions with his hips that are totally absurd and not believable at all. You can tell that he is not a trained wrestler.
Chyna isn't making much noise and is almost laying there barely conscious. This is very disturbing. But then she snaps out of it and slaps Mean Gene right in the kisser! I think that was her first offensive maneuver in the match. What a maneuver!
But she is quickly overwhelmed by The Rock and his very thick strudel. It turns out that his strudel is not quite ready for this spot yet and it begins melting, which prompts Mean Gene to make a joke about how The Rock is not living up to his name tonight. So Stone Cold quickly jumps in and takes over for The Rock while Chyna is just laying on her back in the ring without any indication of resistance.
The wrestlers call for each of them to "share" after every couple of strikes. So they start rotating like crazy while Chyna finally starts to sell their offense with loud noises. The friction is escalating as they tear into her with more conviction. The Rock tries to get in there once again and I guess his strudel appears to be ready this time. They flip her over and continue the relentless onslaught.
The Rock goes for her face but his strudel appears to be too much for her to handle so she just kind of lets it graze her lips. I don't see any reason why that hunk of strudel would be so unappealing to her, it's not like it is covered in rubber. But Chyna is visibly not enjoying the taste of The Rock's strudel. This is repetitious, terrible, and boring.
Cena attacks from behind yet again like an idiot. Oh my Buddha, just make this crap end. I promise to never make fun of Jack Swagger ever again if this garbage would just end.
Stone Cold suddenly gets up and hits Chyna with his signature move...the white mist? What the hell? Or was that beer foam? I can't be sure, but if it is beer foam then I wish all the wrestlers would just line up at this point and end this thing with a Chyna beer bash.
Austin got the white mist all over her chest. These guys really need to learn how to spray that stuff into her eyes, they have been botching it all night. It also looks like Stone Cold is eliminated. It is strange that they can beat her down with kendo sticks for the whole damn match but a little dribble of white mist to the chest gets them DQ'd.
Unfortunately for my sanity, the match continues and The Rock is still attacking Chyna with his giant throbbing strudel. I am trying my best to stay awake. This is the least electrifying moment in all of sports entertainment.
The Iron Sheik then comes out of nowhere and tells Chyna to open her mouth and stick out her tongue. She obeys his request and he drops some white mist on her lips and some residue also falls toward her chest. I am so baffled right now. Why was he trying to spray the mist into her mouth? Why would any guy want to ever do that? Who does he think she is, The Ryback? She doesn't look hungry at all. He is insulting my intelligence as a wrestling fan. The Iron Sheik is now eliminated. Good riddance.
The Rock immediately gets up and sprays white mist a little prematurely. Some lands on the ring mat as he walks towards Chyna's face. There is a small chance that this might have actually just been the icing falling off of his melting strudel. That will surely make it on those YouTube wrestling blooper reels. The rest of it swims down Chyna's shoulder and neck. Chyna completely no-sells it.
Doink performs a run-in from the opposite side and also unleashes some more white mist. He probably sprayed the most mist out of all them but he mostly missed her. The last remnants of his mist ended up coating her left cheek as well as maybe her neck/shoulder area as well.
Maybe I shouldn't be going so crazy about all of these failed white mist sprays. Is it really any less believable than Hogan putting his hand up 10 seconds before his opponent is about to land a punch?
Holy hell Cena is next and he also uses the white mist as his finisher too. First he performs a 5-Knuckle Shuffle and then he discharges a very large amount of mist straight up into the air and most of it lands on Chyna's upper torso as well as his own hand. Her upper torso is soaked in white mist.
HHH and Chyna are the only two wrestlers remaining in this match. But HHH knows that it is time to go home and so he immediately sprays her with more white mist across the lips, thereby eliminating himself from the match. And before the bell is rung, Mean Gene sneaks in and deposits his white mist towards the side of Chyna's face too.
The match is finally over at about the 29-minute mark. Chyna may be wearing a translucent version of the proverbial ivory mask, but that doesn't stop her from celebrating her victory in the Jizzapalooza match.
This was possibly the worst wrestling match that I have ever seen. Take a Vladimir Kozlov match. Reduce the quality of the workrate tenfold. Add in Vince Russo logic. Add in Vince Russo. Throw in John Cena and a half dozen other mopes. Stretch it out into a half hour. Top it off with way too much white mist and you get this match. Just a terrible piece of horse manure in every way.
There was no psychology, nothing made sense, and John Cena is easily the most over-hyped performer in wrestling today. Did I miss anything? How about no Stone Cold Stunners, no Rock Bottoms, no Sharpshooters, no Pedigrees, and absolutely way too many 5-Knuckle Shuffles. I swear every single man in this match was just standing to the side of the ring doing 5-Knuckle Shuffles while Chyna was locked up with one or two men at a time. Where is the psychology in that? Thirty minutes of wrestlers performing 5-Knuckle Shuffles is just way too distracting.
Chyna was clearly not interested at all in this fight and she seemed to be dazed off in an alternate reality for the entire match. The guys quickly got tired of her and were mostly just offering halfhearted nudges with their worn-down weapons while Chyna was just laying there looking drugged out of her mind.
The only good thing I can say about this match is that it had a clean finish. At least that's what my brain tells me. But my heart says there was nothing clean at all about this shameless filth.
I give this fight either zero stars or negative zero stars, whichever sounds worse. The only match that I can envision being worse than this one would be a match that involved violating another man with barbecue sauce. But no wrestling company would ever do something that brainless, right?
The bottom line is that whoever booked an eight versus one handicapped weapons match should either be fired or be permanently stuck in a closet with Heidenreich.
I knew from the very beginning of this match that I would have gotten a much bigger pop from watching The Golden Girls.
That's all for part two, Cagesiders.