WWE Monday Night Raw comes waltzing back into our lives tonight (Feb. 6, 2012) from the Chesapeake Energy Arena in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Which means we should probably expect Jim Ross to show up and get humiliated at some point.
We can also expect to hear from John Laurinaitis, who didn't officially get fired last week by Triple H thanks to an interruption from the Undertaker. Because in the pro wrestling world, if you're about to get fired but a big gong goes off and the lights go out, you're safe.
Hey, it means more Big Johnny in our lives, let's not complain.
Chris Jericho finally made his move last week and attacked CM Punk to presumably set up the feud between the two that will carry them into WrestleMania 28. Or at least that's what the hope is. We'll get some more answers on that.
And Brodus Clay is back tonight, folks. That's worth the price of admission right there.
Raw starts at 9 p.m. ET time on USA, so be sure to make your way back here to chat with all your favorite Cagesiders during the show. It's always a fun time. Raw live blog after the jump.
WWE RAW RESULTS AND LIVE BLOG FEB.6:
Geno here.
Broadcast is live.
The promos are all centering on Undertaker and Triple H. 'Taker wasn't advertised for this event, so we'll see if he's in the building.
A video recap of last week's main event angle starts us off. One thing Triple H deserves a lot of credit for is his ability to get serious in a half a second and stay that way. When he commits, that's it.
They're actually showing 'Taker up close, so they don't care that we know the wig is terrible.
Nickleback ear rape now as Michael Cole plugs the Elimination Chamber pay-per-view to get us into the arena.
They announce a six-pack challenge match between all the Raw Elimination Chamber match participants with the winner earning the right to be the last entrant into the match on Feb. 19.
They also announce Big Show vs. Daniel Bryan as the first match tonight.
But that's not how the show will begin. No, it will start with -- who else? -- "The Game."
Shockingly enough, the fans start chanting Triple H's name.
He gets started by saying that he wants to make it clear that he was out there on Raw last week to fire John Laurinaitis. He starts in with the insults, calling Ace a backstabber and a weasel and all that good stuff. Basically, the same thing CM Punk says.
Trips explains that Laurinaitis flew up to see the Board of Directors and they want to fully review his proposal. So that's how they're keeping him on TV for the week.
Moving along to the return of the Undertaker. Big pop when Trips says that, too.
"The Game" emphasizes that 'Taker hadn't been seen since WrestleMania 27 when he was carried, not walked but carried, out of the ring. Triple H is putting over Undertaker, saying he's the only guy who gives him chills and puts him in awe. He even says he stands before 'Taker truly humbled to be in the ring with him.
Triple H continues on with his recap of last week and says he looked into Undertaker's eyes and didn't feel the same rush up his spine or butterflies in his stomach. He wasn't in awe and he wasn't humbled to stand in front of him. He says he felt bad for the Undertaker. Sorry for him, even.
"I know what I did to him last year. And you know what? I choose to remember the Undertaker in a different light. Whether you do or not, this is how I choose to remember the Undertaker."
They roll a video of 'Taker kicking ass and taking names throughout his career.
"That is the Undertaker. That is the Phenom. That is the Deadman. That is how I choose to remember the Undertaker. I don't want to remember this."
Cue footage of 'Taker laid out and completely beaten down after the match at WrestleMania 27 last year.
Triple H continues putting him over, calling him "the most dominant force ever in the WWE." Then says Undertaker challenged him at WrestleMania and out of respect, he says no.
No one can understand but he saw it last year at WrestleMania. It's over.
"If we do it again, I know what I have to do. I have to finish it. And he knows it too. Maybe that's exactly what he wants, maybe the Undertaker wants me to put an end to it."
Trips says he respects him too much to push him past his obvious limits, the limits that became clear last year. He parts by saying, "This is over."
His music hits as he starts to walk out but then suddenly stops. He looks around confused. The lights go out and the crowd explodes.
A video comes on the screen and it shows Undertaker watching the match from last year. "This is not over. I will not let that be the image of me that is remembered through the ages. My victory over you means nothing. Give me what is mine. Vengeance. And I will give you one more chance at immortality. This is not over."
Back in the arena and the lights still aren't on. They show a close up of Triple H looking contemplative.
Commercial break.
Big Show vs. Daniel Bryan -- Before the match begins, Daniel Bryan motions for someone to come out and AJ walks down wearing a neck brace. She's reluctant to come ringside and Bryan consoles her on the way to the ring, telling her she'll be safe.
They get started with Big Show just pummeling Bryan in the corner. This continues until Bryan hits a missile dropkick to Show's legs that sends him flying through the air and onto the mat.
Commercial break.
They cut off a commercial pimping the Rock's new movie to get back to the match between Bryan and Show, which Show is suddenly taking over while Jerry Lawler tells us D-Bry had control the entire commercial break.
Show calls for the choke slam but Bryan grabs him by the head when he lifts him up for it. They end up in the corner with Bryan going after the legs again. Show sends Bryan to the outside and he lands like he hurt his knee. One of the fans is talking like it's a legit injury and this is awesome.
They set up another spot with Show nearly sending AJ into the steel steps. Everyone freezes just in time and there's a guy wearing a Burger King hat that keeps telling Bryan to "go get her, man. Go get her. Go get her. What cha doing, man, go get her. You gotta go get her."
That was great.
Show wins by countout. Bryan heads up the ramp and they play Show's music but Bryan gets on the mic and says now we know for sure that Show hurt AJ on purpose because he pulled up tonight. That means he could have pulled up last time and avoided hurting her.
He finishes the promo saying he'll still be world heavyweight champion after Elimination Chamber.
Promos for Chris Jericho, who promises to speak up tonight, and the Six-Pack Challenge match tonight.
Commercial break.
They show video of NASCAR driver Carl Edwards showing up on Raw last week to invite John Cena to wave the green flag at the Daytona 500 this year.
The WWE Production team is working overtime, apparently. A redone promo for the Elimination Chamber airing now putting over the importance of the match. The winner gets to headline at WrestleMania this year, even though that's not really true.
But let's not let facts get in the way here.
Another plug for the Six-Pack Challenge tonight and holy shit, another break.
Commercial break.
David Otunga walking into the ring and telling us he has something to say. Starts putting over John Laurinaitis as being a great boss and he prays the WWE Board of Directors does the right thing and lets him keep his position. He's getting the "WHAT" treatment.
Asks the fans to pray with him now and starts Tebowing in the middle of the ring.
Holy hell, I want to change the channel now.
Justin Roberts suddenly says Triple H gave the order to have Otunga compete in a match and he'll do so right now. After a brief pause, Sheamus' music hits and this is what the Royal Rumble winner is up to, folks. This is why the Elimination Chamber gimmick is killing the Rumble winner. Instead of feuding with the champion right now and setting up a three month program with him, he's reduced to squashing David Otunga to kill time.
Otunga keeps trying to run away but Sheamus is just destroying him. Man, I'm so excited to see this guy contest for the title at WrestleMania!!
Oh, wow, Otunga hits a DDT. He's actually getting some offense in, some credible offense. Stomping a mudhole in the corner. Didn't walk it dry, though.
What the hell's going on, Otunga is working him. Oh, there it is. Brogue Kick and Sheamus walks around like the Hulk before dropping down for the pin.
That was an abomination.
Jericho shown walking through the back with an oiled up body that looks entirely fake. Seriously, it looks like a doll from his neck down.
Commercial break.
Time for Jericho. Jacket lights up and the crowd marks out. He walks out with no smile and he's not pandering to anyone just yet. Is Jeritroll dead?
Replay of Jericho hitting the Codebreaker on Punk last week.
"The end of the world as you know it has arrived. Because with my appearance on Raw, I bring the end." He's talking too fast for me to keep up with. The gist of it is that he's saying everyone on Raw is stealing his ideas and thoughts that he made popular and invented.
Everyone in the back is a Chris Jericho wannabe and everyone in the crowd is too. He straight up admits to trolling everyone and they went along with it because they're all wannabes. He calls out Miz for talking slow, Jericho did it first. Kofi Kingston high flying, Jericho did it first. R-Truth said what's up, Jericho said shut the hell up. Ziggler walked to the ring with Vickie Guerrero, Jericho walked to the ring with Stephanie McMahon for WrestleMania 18.
And then there's CM Punk, the worst of them all.
He looks people in the eye and says he's the best in the world when he most certainly is not. He's not unique; he's just a Chris Jericho wannabe. "He knows deep down inside that I, and I alone, am the best in the world at everything I do."
He says that yes, this is the end of the world as you know it because he's coming back to reclaim what is his.
So who is the chick from the videos, dude? That's going to be a terrible nag on me throughout this whole feud.
Here comes CM Punk wearing the new shirt they came up with for him. It says Best in the World on the back, by the way.
Pipe bomb in hand as he climbs into the ring. Jericho's jacket is still lit up and it's awesome.
The crowd chants for CM Punk as he slowly walks towards Jericho, staring him down.
He acts like he's going to talk then just drops the mic and holds up the WWE title. Then he slowly turns around and raises his hands up. The old Sting gag, where he's asking him to hit him. Jericho acts like he's going to but doesn't and Punk's music hits to play him out.
Okay, that was awesome.
"You're not going to say anything, huh? You're not going to say anything wannabe?"
So they had Punk answer Jericho's claim that he steals everything Jericho does by having him steal something Jericho just did weeks ago. I love it.
Commercial break.
Randy Orton and Great Khali vs. Wade Barrett and Cody Rhodes -- The battle of bad entrance music. No one in this match has a decent them to play them in. Watching Great Khali walk, by the way, is like watching someone do an extended wheelie on a bike.
How over is Randy Orton? The crowd was popping big for him when they knew his music was getting ready to play. He's in action against Daniel Bryan "for the first time ever" this Friday on Smackdown, as per Cole.
Orton started by smashing Rhodes before tagging in Khali via vicious slap to the chest. Khali didn't take too kindly to it, either. So he came in and wrecked shop before returning the favor. Orton laughed and got in the ring to get beat down by the heels.
He makes a comeback and sets up the RKO but Khali tags himself in. Orton gets pissed and yells at him that "this is my win." Khali comes in and hits his chop on Rhodes for the pin.
Orton comes in and they have a face off leading to Orton hitting an RKO.
So instead of Barrett jobbing there, they have Rhodes -- the Intercontinental champion -- take the pin. I hate this company sometimes.
Oh my god, they're playing the same video of John Cena from last week. This is terrible. What a horrible episode of Raw after one of their best. They're so short on talent, they rely on the Production team to give us 45 minutes worth of video.
It ends after what seems like forever and what do you know, off to commercials.
Commercial break.
I took a bathroom break and missed the Divas match. This time I'm dead serious. Tamina pinned someone, though.
They show another clip, this time of The Rock on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. That airs tonight.
Backstage, Triple H talking to someone on the phone about how the Board will make a decision on Laurinaitis by tomorrow morning. Speak of the devil, here he is. He puts over the Board. Says Shawn Michaels will be at Raw next week. Then announces John Cena vs. Kane in an ambulance match at Elimination Chamber. I don't even know what an ambulance match is.
Trips cracks a few jokes and kicks Ace out of his office before turning to his phone. Isn't that what Laurinaitis' gimmick was? Always on the phone? Vince must be obsessed with showing people looking busy on TV.
Commercial break.
They try to drive traffic to the company website by saying the decision on John Laurinaitis will be made at 10 a.m. ET tomorrow morning.
Oh my god, they're airing the Undertaker video promo from earlier in the night. The "this is not over" promo.
It's 10:41 ET right now and a Six-Pack Challenge match still to come. If Brodus Clay doesn't happen tonight, this will be the worst Raw of the last few years.
Backstage, they interview Laurinaitis and he talks about making mistakes but the Board will be forgiving with him. Now he's calling out Triple H for being a brute and even says he's cowardly for not accepting Triple H's challenge for WrestleMania.
It's main event time and Justin Roberts stumbles hard over telling us the stipulations of the match.
John Cena fails to make an appearance tonight. Odd. The show hasn't been better for it. Actually, no Brodus Clay, either. To hell with this show.
CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho vs. The Miz vs. R-Truth vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler -- The match starts with everyone besides Punk ganging up on Jericho. Punk laughs and walks up and tries to get a quick roll up pin on Miz but it fails. I'm not even going to try to keep up with all this insanity. Everyone in the ring at once for a modified clusterf*ck of crap.
The crowd at this point is absolutely DEAD. I can literally hear crickets. Who can blame them? Their interest has been beaten out of them. They came to the arena for a show and instead got multiple short movies on the jumbotron with these dumb video packages that have been airing all night.
Finally, some action goes down and Kofi hits a few guys on the outside. This gives Ziggler the chance to show off inside the ring and WWE goes to commercial as Punk is going for a pin.
Sigh. Why do we do this to ourselves, Cagesiders?
Commercial break.
They come back and show R-Truth getting carried to the back by referees and show a replay of the reason why, which is Miz completely screwed up on a flip to the outside by not catching Truth and softening the fall, resulting in Truth drilling his head on the floor.
That had concussion written all over it. Good job, Miz! As if you couldn't be any more worthless.
They set it up for Punk and Jericho to be alone in the ring together. Instead of the two actually engaging, Ziggler and Miz come in and work both guys over.
Oh my god, Miz botches another spot. He and Jericho ran the ropes and Miz mistimed when they were supposed to do the double clothesline and went down early while Jericho kept running the ropes. So Miz had to get back up to do it right by the time Jericho got back to him.
This is the worst Raw ever. Miz is actively ruining everything.
Sigh. Miz screws up again by acting like he was going for his finisher but making it completely obvious that he was waiting for Kofi to recover and get in the ring so he could break it up. Miz was literally staring him down and not even selling to make it seem legit.
Crowd is just gone.
This is sad and painful to watch.
Now it's Kofi and Jericho and they're doing what they can to get some heat back but it's just not happening. Jericho misses the Lionsault and Kofi calls for the Trouble in Paradise. He misses and Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho and here comes Punk with a knee and he sends Jericho out. Ziggler in for a roll up. It misses and they set up a counter with Punk hitting the GTS on Ziggler and going for the pin but not getting it because Jericho pulled him out of the ring and tossed him onto the announce table and into the barricade. Jericho popped back into the ring and got the pin on Ziggler.
Yeah, because pinning Ziggler, a guy who can actually work without nearly killing everyone, should be getting pinned and not that assclown Miz who injured Truth and botched like four spots in an eight minute match.
Jericho picks up Punk's title and sits Indian style in the ring with the belt over his shoulder, emulating Punk.
We hear crying from a woman out of nowhere and suddenly they cut backstage and Kane is terrorizing Eve again. She was the one crying and Kane's telling her he needs John Cena to embrace the hate soon because if he doesn't, Kane is afraid for anyone who gets in his path. For the first time in his life, he's afraid of himself.
And the show ends with that. Eve crying with Kane creepily looking over her shoulder and breathing heavily into her ear.
What.
The.
F*ck.
Fade to black.