It has come to our attention here at Cageside Seats that TNA is on the look out for a new superstar. Not just any new superstar, their person specification is in some respects very demanding. The person in question must have at least a decade experience working for the industry leaders WWE and preferably be related to one of TNA’s existing superstars. He must be adept at cultivating his own cult following using the latest social media sites like Twitter and YouTube, and also share TNA’s hatred for the nitpicking dirt sheets. Money is apparently no question, even though TNA’s budget is tight at the moment, because a superstar like this doesn’t come around every day. A position on the creative team may even be available if the talent makes it known at every opportunity that Dixie Carter is the sweetest MILF ever to have owned a wrestling company.
TNA would like to make it clear to prospective applicants that the following negative traits won’t disqualify you from employment with their company:
1. A failed WWE physical.
2. A failed WWE Wellness test.
3. An addiction to alcohol, pain pills, somas, pot or any other recreational drug.
4. Recently turning up to wrestling shows in no condition to perform.
5. Being arrested on charges of drug trafficking and awaiting trial.
6. A history of brain damage.
7. A catalogue of injuries that you haven’t yet fully recovered from.
8. An inability for whatever reason to stay in shape.
9. A track record of being so reckless in the ring that most top WWE stars never want to work with you ever again.
10. A tendency to badmouth management on Twitter after a late night playing video games.
11. A tendency to post YouTube videos where you appear to be acting under the influence of narcotics. Even if that behaviour is so obviously drug fuelled looking that other wrestlers mock you for it and WWE management feel compelled to ban their wrestlers from using somas, even with a valid prescription.
12. A tendency to piss off the rest of the locker room by having an inflated sense of your own importance. After all, if you’re an actual celebrity, closer to a rock star than a plain old wrestler, then you should brag about it every chance you get.
So if anyone reading Cageside Seats meets these criteria please send your CV to TNADixie on Twitter ASAP and I’m sure we’ll be seeing you on Impact within 90 days time.