TNA iMPACT!
Trying something new for tonight's Impact report, running commentary as the show goes on. I'll be updating the post after every segment.
"Blueprint for Disaster"
SEGMENT ONE
Mike Tenay is alone at the booth and preps us for a very special announcement. Don West got a promotion and is the head merchandise dude so now we he have to listen to Taz. Tenay can't wait to hear the insights of this former world heavyweight champion. Taz merely has a loose affiliation with the Mafia based on mutual respect. The Mafia come out for the opening promo until Matt Morgan interrupts Angle after a few words. He's got an axe handle, threatens to bash their brains all over the Impact Zone. Morgan and Angle had a deal at Hard Justice, they were supposed to work together. Angle went into business for himself and screwed Morgan over. According to Angle, Morgan knocked him out with the Carbon Footprint. He pulled the referee out of the ring because he throught Sting had the pin. He didn't mean to hit Morgan with a chair, it was his inexperience that led to him being clobbered. He's giving Morgan another chance. Tonight will be Angle and Morgan vs Team 3D in a table's match. Morgan threatens violence again but has a sudden change of heart. He accepts Kurt's offer.
SEGMENT TWO
World Elite make their entrance but Hebner meets them at the ramp. Bounces Kiyoshi, Bashir, and Rob Terry from ringside. Tenay explains that TNA has given referees more authority.
Beer Money, Inc defeated The British Invasion in a No DQ Match
They beat the shit out of each other with trash cans. Roode is tied, neck first to a post. Doug Willliams unveils a plastic bag and Magnus choked him out with it. Hebner cuts Storm free. Williams is busted open with a garbage can shot. He's then taken out with a beer bottle shot. Magnus is caught driving while investing and that's it. If you like dudes hitting each other with garbage cans, this was match of the year.
The Beautiful People are pissed at Madison Rayne for screwing up at the PPV. She is no longer VIP.
SEGMENT THREE
Foley is chatting with Nash but is quickly interrupted by ODB and Deaner arguing. Deaner wants the Knockouts belt since he got the pin at Hard Justice. Foley says he'll make a decision next week on the status of the belt. Abyss walks in and Foley thanks him for making the save at Hard Justice. He gives him a blue flannel as a token of gratitude. They agree that the feeling of blood trickling down your face isn't the worst thing in the world.
Angelina Love pinned Madison Rayne
Love attacked her while she was making her entrance. Slammed her head on the steps and rolled her into the ring for the pin. Velvet runs down and gives her the paper bag treatment. Tara and Christy run out to make the save. The Beautiful People bail and Velvet gives them John Cena's "You Can't See Me" hand gesture.
SEGMENT FOUR
The Motor City Machine Guns have a special offer for us. They're all about three things:
Entertaining fans.
Getting laid.
Getting paid.
For the low price of $2000 an hour, they'll hang out with you, the TNA fan base. Wanna play video games with the Guns? Shelley has already seen District 9 but for the right price, he's not adverse to seeing it again.
SEGMENT FIVE
Samoa Joe pinned Hernandez
A quality match, an abbreviated version of their PPV match. Match was 98% Joe, finished with a Muscle Buster for the pin.
SEGMENT SIX
Next week is the start of the tournament to crown the first ever TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions. WWE would never dream of doing something like this!
Beginning of Kong vs Tara vs Traci vs Christy Hemme vs Sarita
Tara is wearing some kind of weird pirate style get up. Christy continues to look amazing, I'm watching this one with my plasma screen on the floor. Kong and Sarita work great together, reminiscent of the magical series with Kong vs Gail Kim.
Spike aired a six hour penis enhancer commercial.
SEGMENT SEVEN
Traci defeated Christy Hemme, Awesome Kong, Sarita, and Tara when Hemme was pinned
Kong hit Christy with the Implant Buster but while she went up for a big splash, Traci snuck in to steal the pin. Post match, Kong went on a rampage throwing chairs up the ramp. Tenay claims that he just got word in his ear piece, next week will be Kong and Saeed vs Traci and Sharmell in the first round of the tournament.
SEGMENT EIGHT
" The Pope" D'Angelo Dinero pinned Consequences Creed
Dinero (Elijah Burke) has a great look. Very cool ring jacket, good music and entrance video. I'd immediately insert him into the main event scene. A crisp 4-5 minute match ends with Dinero putting him away with the big double knees in the corner. Post match, Suicide runs down to do battle with a terrified Dinero. He quickly bails.
AJ Styles is walking down a hallway with a solemn look on his face.
SEGMENT NINE
Matt Morgan tells Lauren that you can trust Kurt Angle. He's got his back.
AJ Styles is passionate about this business, he's passionate about this company. He's stuck on the road away from his family. When he gets home, he's still preocupied with work and yells at his wife and kids over petty stuff. At what point does it become not worth it? Sting enters the scene and cut an awesome promo, asking that if after seven years, that's the kind of legacy that he wants to leave behind? You're quitting on your family, you're quitting on every kid in the Impact Zone who dreams about being AJ Styles. You're a loser, that's what losers do, they quit. Tell me to my face that you quit, or go in the back, lace up your boots, and claim what is yours! AJ breaks down crying, hugs Sting, and they walk to the back together. Sting was awesome here as the strict but caring father figure. AJ looked every bit the immature pussy that the Mafia says all the young guys are.
SEGMENT TEN
When Hernandez cashes in his Feast or Fired briefcase, he's winning the belt. Eric Young walks into the shot and offers him a spot in the World Elite. When Hernandez is ready to talk, Young will be ready to listen.
Bobby Lashley joins Taz and Tenay at the booth. Next week, Dixie Carter will be on Impact announcing what his involvement will be in TNA. After his ring entrance, Angle pie faced Lashley then got shoved right on his ass. Security swarmed them and Lashley went to the back.
SEGMENT ELEVEN
Team 3D defeated Kurt Angle and Matt Morgan in a tables match
This was such a mess. Angle saved Morgan from being put through a table but Morgan fell on top of it anyway. One of the legs ended up awkwardly bent and it looked like Morgan was hurt. Angle was incapacitated outside the ring while 3D isolated Morgan. They launched him off the top rope through a table for the finish. As the show closed, Tenay questioned how this would effect the relationship between Angle and Morgan.
Final Thoughts: Angle/Morgan feels a lot like Angle/Sting to me. Same exact template. The level of the show was down from the past few weeks but still watchable. They really have something special in D'Angelo Dinero. Taz wasn't much. Not actively bad, just sort of existed. Not in the universe of Don West.