There's little dispute among wrestling fans and purists that the rebooted ECW's December to Dismember is considered among the worst pay-per-view (PPV) events in wrestling history. Even hard numbers back this up: 90,000 total buys. No, not 90,000 domestic buys. Not 90,000 buys in some other country like Germany for example. 90,000 total buys. Total. In the entire world. That makes it the least-bought WWE show ever (pre-WWE Network era...actually I think that record is still standing. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.). And I'm willing to bet that nearly all of them felt unsatisfied and cheated out of their $40 just days before Christmas. Bah humbug, indeed. It appears on many, many, many worst PPVs ever lists, including my own. You'd be hard pressed to find a good review of the show (by good I mean they consider the show to be good). Oh and here's an indicator of how bad this show was: it effectively ended PPVs for separate brands.
Since then, the infamous PPV has been made available through legal, questionably legal, and less than legal means, most recently via the WWE Network. I've tried to watch this show five times since getting the Network just so I can say I sat through one of the worst shows ever. I have been unable to finish the show in one sitting all five times (go ahead; make your little jokes I know you have going in your head). At this point, I'm resigned to the fact that it's simply not going to happen because this show sucks that bad.
I'm no expert on wrestling, but I can damn sure play armchair booker if needed. And now, donning my armchair booker hat (just go with it, okay?), I'm going to sway you...or perhaps convince you...to avert your eyes from ever seeing this disaster. Or watch it if you're into that sorta thing. I won't judge; I promise. Here are ten reasons why December to Dismember is the worst WWE PPV EVER.
1. Vince McMahon. Yes, right out of the gate, I'm putting the blame for this show on one Vincent Kennedy McMahon. See, as the story goes, he left the responsibility of putting the show together to one Paul Heyman. One of Heyman's ideas was to put the ECW title on the popular CM Punk (Punk at this time had gotten quite the fan following since his debut that summer). And, check this out: in Punk's first act in the EXTREME ELIMINATION CHAMBER (which I'll get to later), he was to face the Big Show, who was in the final days of his contract and was not coming back, and tap him out in about three minutes. Even if Punk doesn't win, that's a "kick the fucking door in" moment. He tapped out the world champion in three minutes. Everybody loved the idea except the one man that mattered: Vinnie Mac. See, Vince McMahon wanted to put the ECW title on Bobby Lashley and even get a post-show celebration. Paul E. didn't like the idea and even told Vince it was gonna bomb, and it was gonna bomb badly. And guess what? It bombed, and bombed badly. And Heyman was left to take the blame for it. Wait...let me get this straight: you let Paul Heyman put the show together, shitcan said show so you can have your muscles-within-muscles guy have his big moment (BTW: real smart call considering steroids was a hot button issue all over sports around this time--not saying Lashley did steroids, but come on. When you look at him, where does your thought go first?), then when the guy putting your show together says it's not going to work, blame him when your ideas don't work? GTFOWTBS.
2. Not just bad timing-the worst timing. December to Dismember took place on December 3, 2006. Makes sense. It's in December. What's the problem? The PPV before it, Survivor Series took place November 26. If you're doing the math (it's okay, I'll wait), that's exactly seven days apart. Seven days equals one week. That means, you're asking your fanbase, one in which advertisers have little confidence in to begin with because the perception is wrestling fans are cheap, to buy a WWE PPV for $40 just one week after they bought a WWE PPV for $40. In this economy, right? Right before Christmas? You're kidding. (In a side note, WWE had ANOTHER PPV two weeks after, and YET ANOTHER THREE WEEKS LATER. That's four PPVs in seven weeks. Right around the holidays. Add the Royal Rumble in late January, and that's five WWE shows from Thanksgiving to Super Bowl XLI. $200 in PPVs. Holy shit, that's asking a lot to be a fan. Ain't nobody got time for that.)
3. It didn't feel like ECW-at all. Notice we're up to a third reason and we even haven't even gotten to the PPV itself. The ECW reboot from the start was doomed to fail, ironically because of the same reason ECW on TNN failed: too many cooks in the pot. Paul Heyman may have been in charge, but it was virtually in name only as WWE's creative team handled the booking (and had their way with it). It was shot like WWE programming, it was structured like WWE programming, it used WWE storylines, it used WWE superstars, it was held in WWE arenas and played by WWE's rules, meaning yes, people can be disqualified or counted out. Basically, everything the original ECW was not. For your consideration, look at how One Night Stand 2005 is shot. Then look at the same event from a year later. Night and day, right? The old ECW was gritty and intimate, and in that grit and closeness, it was in a way charming. And that's not even including Sci-Fi wanting their dip in the pie too: they insisted on getting science fiction gimmicks on the show. Hell, the first person ever to come out for a WWECW match was... a ZOMBIE. A FUCKING ZOMBIE, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? For the many, many, many negatives the original ECW had, it in a lot of ways shaped sports entertainment today. That's why it's still revered a decade and a half after its original demise. That's why people still talk about ECW One Night Stand 2005 in revered tones. And that's why, despite how futile it is, people are still trying to capture the magic of the original little hardcore promotion it could.
4. Rob. Van. Damn. Yes, that spelling is intentional. I swear I will get into the PPV, I promise. But I have to talk about this as this basically derailed any chance of a successful ECW reboot. On the morning of July 3, 2006, RVD and Sabu were pulled over by Ohio state troopers for speeding. The trooper was shooting the breeze with the wrestlers when he smelled marijuana in the car. Not that you need to be reminded of this, but Robbie V loves him some wacky weed. So the trooper searches the car and they find marijuana, Vicodin, pills to treat breast cancer (and mask steroid use), and other drug paraphernalia. And here's where the shit hits the fan, my friends: at the time of the arrest, RVD is both ECW and WWE Champion. He'd lose the WWE title on July 3, and the ECW title a night later, then is suspended for a month. So... there goes the face of your third brand, boys and girls. No way no how they're gonna trust him again. And considering most of the ECW originals on the roster were buried so far under the dirt by this point, there was no way to take this brand any kind of serious again.
5. Kurt Angle. I swear, after this, I'll talk about the show. Kurt Angle was the other WWE superstar "drafted" to be the face of the reborn ECW. Paul Heyman had this idea to make ECW like a UFC-style show with shoot-like fights and shoot-like interviews. Kinda like ROH in its prime, but on a bigger scale. Sounded like a good idea, but of course, Vince shot it down, but a part of that idea lived in Angle...who, by the way HATED going to ECW. After all, this was the man that walked out of an original ECW show following the infamous crucifixion and caning of Sandman by Raven, then threatened to sue them if his name was anywhere on it. Around this time, Angle was also dealing with personal issues relating to substance abuse, issues that forced Angle out of the company when he turned down the chance to go to rehab on their dime. So with their two draft picks gone and most of the originals buried, who would WWE turn to? We'll get to that later. Now we can talk about the show itself. Speaking of the show...
6. There were just two announced matches for the show at the time of broadcast. Nope, the fireworks still haven't gone off yet. We'll get there soon enough. Maybe it's just me, but if I'm paying $40 for a wrestling show, I would like to know the full card and not just two matches on said card. But that's just me. You may operate differently and that's fine. You can get away with that logic with hardcore fans, but that's only a small percentage of your customers. The rest of us need some incentive to buy. Now that I got that little rant out of the way, I need to go on a rant: between the debut show and December to Dismember, you had 25 shows, plus at least one bout on every PPV. That's damn near six months of programming. Granted, some bad stuff happened that you couldn't control. I get it. Happens with every wrestling promotion. But the best you could do is two matches, one of which had to be propped up by duo that hasn't been together in over four years until the week before the show? I guess it makes sense considering at the time of the show, this was the bulk of the roster (If you're not into pictures and such, you can look here. Just scroll down to 2006). Banner roster though, right? I mean, come on, looking at that roster, would you pay $40 for a show featuring that roster? Probably not, but a few compelling feuds in the leadup to the show, and maybe a few people consider. Maybe. Possibly. And one more side nugget I found while researching this here show: there were also exactly two matches advertised on the DVD. You cannot make this stuff up.
(photo via www.quickmeme.com)
7. The show had a "nobody cares" vibe to it. The very first words spoken on December to Dismember after an Elimination Chamber montage were this: "Tonight, this show might be infamous." He chases that with "tonight, there will be a new ECW Champion." Holy. Fucking. Shit. This is right up there with the "butts in seats" comment for biggest spoiler on a wrestling show ever. Granted it's not on that level. Arguably, it's worse. Right out of the gate, you may have chased away anybody that bought the show to see Big Show win (which was probably nobody, but still). At least people didn't pay for Nitro or RAW. This is people's money being flushed down the toilet. Two minutes in, you get the feeling nobody in that building gives a shit from the crowd to the boys and girls in the back. The air of apathy and hate on this night is THICK. They are ready to half-ass and turn on this show in a heartbeat.
(photo via www.wwe.com)
8. Exit Sandman and Sabu, enter Hardcore Holly. So you have a crowd right smack in the middle of WCW country (Augusta, Georgia--yeah, I probably should have mentioned that nugget earlier) that just watched a pretty good but long tag team match followed by a less than stellar "Striker's Rules" match (gimme a fucking break with that one). Then suddenly, the next thing the crowd sees is Sabu being stretchered out and is probably not going to be back for the EXTREME ELIMINATION CHAMBER. See, Sabu, you know, the homicidal, genocidal, suicidal, death-defying super athlete that he is, is (a) an ECW original, (b) a two-time ECW champion, and (c) a perfect fit for the EXTREME ELIMINATION CHAMBER (which I'll get to shortly, I promise)...is getting stretchered out. This guy once taped up a torn biceps mid-match just so he can finish that match. The man once superglued a wound just so he can concentrate on fighting and throwing chairs and stuff. Oh, his unattached jaw? Minor flesh wound. Just put it back in place and he's okay. And he's getting the stretcher job? No ECW fan would buy this. Anyway, you need a suitable replacement for this match. Sandman, perhaps? He's free on this night. Nope, "Hardcore" Bob Holly. Sandman, five-time ECW champion (more than anyone EVER) doesn't get a match on the show, yet BOB FUCKING HOLLY does? He was no closer to the ECW belt than Sandman was, and once had his back seriously gashed in a match on the rebooted ECW, but Sandman at his worst was more ECW than Bobcore can ever be. How the hell you gonna give BOB FUCKING HOLLY a match and not give the hardcore, beer-drinking, cane swinging freak a look? The guy that's on the poster for this show? (Look, I know his face is not there, but his pose is. He might as well be on the poster.) Man, fuck this show. By the way, when the crowd finds out, they're calling bullshit all the way. They HATE this.
9. The bulk of the show is a step below ECW on Sci-Fi. So here were the other four matches on the show-you know, the ones not advertised for the show OR ON THE DVD: Matt Striker vs. Balls Mahoney, Sylvester Terkay and Elijah Burke vs. the FBI, Davari vs. Tommy Dreamer (featuring a run-in by The Great Khali of all people), and Ariel and Kevin Thorn vs. Kelly Kelly and Mike Knox (featuring a Sandman run-in). This wasn't going to cut it in a pro-ECW crowd in Philadelphia on free TV, so you can kinda imagine how a Southern crowd paying PPV money was going to feel about it. "This is bullshit." "Boring." "This match sucks." "Change the channel." "TNA." "We want refunds." These were just a few of the chants that went on during these four matches. And considering this is essentially a WWE PPV, we gotta have our WWE shilling, so there's an ad for See No Evil, a Brian Pillman DVD, and Armageddon, the PPV that was coming two weeks following this show. And this salty crowd was having none of that noise.
(photo via sp5.fotolog.com)
10. The EXTREME ELIMINATION CHAMBER. See? Told ya I'd get here. Following the shilling and an interview with former Diva Search contestant Rebecca DiPietro (who was only employed at the time because Batista was banging her), we get to our main event. Oh. I should mention it's only about an hour and a half into the show. So... time filling video package, time filling lowering of the EXTREME ELIMINATION CHAMBER, time filling promo by Heyman, and finally...FINALLY...we get down to business. Crowd loves them some CM Punk though, which is good. He's pretty much the only new ECW guy anybody gives a damn about. Nearly a half hour passes between the conclusion of the mixed tag match and the opening bell of the main event, which begins with Hardcore Holly and Rob Van Dam. The hate is absolutely off the charts...until Punk comes in with chair in hand. Finally a reaction, which dies quickly when Test comes in with crowbar. Lot less selling and lots more resting here. Rob Van Dam eliminates Punk (yup, the most over dude in the rebooted ECW is the first man out. Way to go, Vince) and the Augusta crowd has officially checked out. Test eliminates Holly with a big boot and a botched pin, then follows it up with an elbow drop from the top of one of the pods onto a prone RVD. DEAD. FUCKING AIR in the middle of the match (as in Test just stands around and does nothing) until Lashley comes in and breaks the chains on top of the pod with a wooden table to DEAD SILENCE. Figure that out. Wood breaking steel chains. I mean. Illogical, right? Show comes in with a barbed wire bat, but it doesn't matter. Lashley eliminates Test, then Big Show and he is your new ECW Champion. Reprise the theme song and roll the credits...at 2 hours and 17 minutes into the show. Not even two and a half hours and the show's over. Quite honestly, not a moment too soon. What a snoozefest.
The consequences of this disaster are far reaching: the end of Paul Heyman, the end of separate branded PPVs, the end of ECW being a viable brand (even though it would somehow trudge on for more than three years), and repeated attempts to give ECW a proper standoff, though they had the perfect one in 2005 (some would argue the perfect TWO in 2005).
Is there anything that could have been done to prevent the disaster? Or at least lessen the damage? Is this the worst WWE PPV ever? What say you, Cagesiders?