Just yesterday, we passed along word that Ultimate Warrior is open to being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame as long as his one big condition is met, namely that his history be rewritten to reflect his actual impact on the pro wrestling industry.
And while his version of the truth may be far too positive, the WWE version, to be fair, is most definitely far too negative.
When discussing his potential induction at WrestleMania XXX next year in New Orleans, talk quickly turned to what his induction speech would sound like. A few of you Cagesiders chipped in with a couple paragraphs and while we didn't get as much feedback as I was hoping (I blame the holidays), the feedback we got was too good to ignore.
So here's what you came up with for Warrior's Hall of Fame speech:
"I am not here because of my own power, though it is strong and flows through the veins of all those who hail from Parts Unknown. No, I am here because of the power of the Warriors who rose above the sky and cried out from the heavens that WWE pay tribute to the almighty strength of those who worship the truth."
"Yes, Ho Kogan, the truth...of destrucity. You must look deep within yourself to find...THE POWER...Ho Kogan. Destrucity flows through to the Hall of Fame tonight, and tomorrow, the power of the Warrior returns once more to...WRESTLEMANIA, where the warriors will unlock the power in their souls, Ho Kogan."
"When I was delivered from the loins of my father, the Penultimate Warrior, I was entrusted with a sacred duty. A duty to the Warriors, a duty to be the Ultimate Warrior, was mine and mine alone. So I searched to the east and to the west, to the north and to the south, I took the controls and I dove, and I found myself in Texas, snort, lost and unaware of my destiny, snort. And I did what I must, I did those things without knowledge of myself, snort, I took the name of the Dingo Warrior and struggled and fought and scratched and became the greatest of those who do not know.
"Unspeakable things I did in the name of the Dingo Warrior. Snort. Running out of challenges I climbed the tallest mountain and when I reached the top, I asked my Gods, I begged and pleaded and they said, snort, they said "What exactly is a Dingo?" A door opened and I bathed in the light of pure destrucity and I knew then that I was not the Dingo Warrior, I was not a modern-day warrior, I was not a Road Warrior, I was... snort... the Ultimate Warrior!"
"Many years passed since those times when the truth of my destrucity and warriordomness did become revealed to me, many wars were won, many pains were endured by those warriors with the will to endure those pains, those warriors being the souls inside this warrior, the only warrior, the Ultimate Warrior. Having destructed all around, this Warrior returned to Parts Unknown to allow the normals to rebuild their world to be able to endure the destructivicitydom that the return of the warrior, the lone warrior, just the one warrior, less than no other warriors, the Ultimate Warrior that would be waged upon their lesser souls of non-warriornessicity. But then the true call was sounded and it rattled through Parts Unknown and then I knew what I must do. I must take the helm and the wheel and the controls and the controller and the wings and the wheels and steer the souls of all the warriors that came before me out of Parts Unknown back to the normal world and show the truth of the souls of those warriors as well as this warrior, Warrior."
"While in Parts Unknown I rested at the blood moons of Old Valhalla and I saw the truth! The truth is that I am not here to accept this Hall of Fame induction. No, I am here to write the wrongs of era past. To do battle once more with the Great Evil known as
Aku Vince McMahon.
"Vince, the destrucity you have brought upon the realm of professional wrestling is wrong. It has cast a great darkness across the land. One that swallows the souls of all who gaze upon it. But that does not matter, because the energy of the Gods is too great."
::TURNS HIS BACK TO AUDIENCE::
Now MackMan, ::SNORT:: you and I will do the deed that was foretold on the ancient scrolls in the days before the earth tore open and the blood rained down from the veins of the great warriors in the sky who gave me the powers of destrucity when they shot lightning bolts into my eyes and the electricity pumped out to my limbs and gave me that which I held dear and that which you profited from, MackMan!!
Tomorrow night, MackMan, ::SNORT:: you and I shall enter into combat. Two warriors: ::SNORT:: one of brawn and blood and one of brains and bullshit. Your lies. Your deceptions. Your unfulfilled promises. None of it will matter once the sun has set on your cherished WrestleMania, MackMan.
A day you thought would be wrought with spectacle and emotion will be a day filled the screams of horror on the faces of your family and the spreading of your crimson lifeblood on the mat. ::SNORT:: ::SHORT GROWL:: The MackMan era will cease to be and the rise of the Warrior will be inevitable. In the past I have waged wars and entered into combat and destructivity against all of foot soldiers.
I destroyed Honky Tonk Man. I destroyed Rick Rude. I destroyed Slaughter. I destroyed your handpicked soldier, Ho Kogan. I laid them all to waste, MackMan and you will be no different.
The smells of jet-fuel, gun powder, blood, and fear will flood the arena when we do battle, MackMan. I went to WCW when your parlor games grew me weary and tired. It was there that I nearly put your company into the ashes from whence it came, but I said to the Warriors above and all the members of my One Warrior Nation - NO! ::SNORT:: NO, they said. No - this is not the way. It is not through television ratings. It is not through the most powerful mindgames. It is not through my magic smoke. It is through my own fists and warfare that I wanted to put you and your company into the ground, MackMan.
:: TURNS BACK TO FACE AUDIENCE::
Now I am back. I am back to accept this ::SNORT:: honor ::SNORT:: and while I now live in the hallowed halls of the immortals and the combatants and the soldiers in the Hall of Fame it is time for me to do what so many in this home have attempted, but never succeeded.
I must complete the deed that Austin, Michaels, Hart, and Ho Kogan could not...
::TIPS OVER THE PODIUM AND TEARS HIS SHIRT OPEN::
::QUICKLY LOOKS AROUND FOR ROPES TO SHAKE, SEEING NONE, HE PICKS UP THE PODIUM AND THROWS IT INTO THE AISLE - NEXT TO VINCE, McMAHON::
I MUST DESTROY YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL - MACKMAN!!! AND THEN I WILL TURN THIS COMPANY AND THIS HALL OF FAME OVER TO THE FLAMES AND LET IT RETURN TO THE GROUND WHERE IT CAME FROM IN THE DAYS BEFORE TIME AND THEN AND ONLY THEN WILL THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR BE ABLE TO RETURN TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAINS IN PARTS UNKNOWN AND JOIN THE GODS TO REST FOR ALLLLLLLL OF ETERNITY.
TOMORROW NIGHT, MACKMAN - WE GO TO WAAAAAAAARRR AND YOU WILL FALL. AT THE HANDS. OF THE. ULLLTIIMMAAAAATTTE WWWAAAAAAAARRRRIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRR!!!!!!
"...THIS HALL OF FAME INDUCTION WILL CRUMBLE ON THE HANDS OF THE ULTIMAAAATE WARRIOOOOOOOOOOOORRRR!!!!!" (Raise the roof motion for 20 minutes)
If you want to contribute, put yours in the comments section below.