WWE SmackDown comes waltzing back into our lives tonight (May 10, 2013) from Wichita, Kansas, with a taped show on the SyFy channel; featuring The Miz, Fandango, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry, Alberto Del Rio, Big Show, Sheamus, Kofi Kingston, The Shield, and more!
If you're the impatient type and wish to read full spoilers for the show you can find out exactly what goes down by clicking here.
Either way, come back here at 8 p.m. ET for the SmackDown open thread.
WWE SMACKDOWN RESULTS AND OPEN THREAD FOR MAY 17
Broadcast is live.
I'm a couple minutes late but Big Show is telling Randy Orton instead of an RKO in St. Louis this weekend, it's going to be a TKO.
Good one, Show.
They're on MizTV, by the way, and Miz looks ridiculous standing next to both guys.
Orton says Show's story was good but the ending inaccurate because Orton isn't going to let Show knock him out in his hometown in front of his friends and family. All anyone is going to remember is Show getting knocked out by Orton and "if you're not careful, Show, you just might not get back up."
John Confidence Jack Swagger's music hits and Zeb Colter has a microphone. He's using all the same talking points. This Sunday will represent the beginning of the uprising. It will be the start of Jack Swagger's America and everyone will say "we the people" when he makes Alberto Del Rio quit.
Naturally, this brings out Del Rio, who tells Colter to shut up because everyone is sick and tired of hearing him talk. He works Ricardo Rodriguez doing his intro into his promo, says a few things in Spanish, and once again calls Colter Jumanji man.
That was good the first time; not so much now.
Once Del Rio is done, Mark Henry's music hits and this segment has broken down into every "star" on SmackDown getting airtime. Henry has the same talking point as everyone else: what people will remember from the Extreme Rules pay-per-view this Sunday night.
They'll remember him throwing, dragging, and beating Sheamus like no one has ever beaten him in his life.
I wonder if Sheamus will come out now. I really doubt it based on how this segment has been going.
Oh, wait, there he is now.
Sheamus has that John Cena promo style going now. I wonder if that's on purpose. Of all the people who have been out, Sheamus is the first to suggest some actual physicality. He rushes the ring and the babyfaces get the best of the heels ... for now.
Where's Teddy Long to make the tag team main event?
Sure enough, Teddy Long shows up after a commercial break to set up the main event of the night. The heels -- Henry, Show, Swagger -- against the babyfaces -- Sheamus, Orton, Del Rio.
So predictably lame.
The Shield out next and it looks like they're getting a warm up match for the Seth Rollins/Roman Reigns tag team against the Usos.
The Shield vs. The Usos
It's pretty obvious what this match is meant to be. It should be noted that Dean Ambrose came out with his crew. The crowd is just absolutely dead for this.
Really short match that ended after Reigns hit a spear to get the three count.
The noise is getting piped in really badly now. You can hear reaction but everyone in the crowd is sitting on their hands with blank expressions on their faces.
The Shield beat on the Usos a bit more after the match is over, which gives Kofi Kingston a chance to come out to even the odds and make the save.
Remember, it's Ambrose vs. Kingston for the U.S. title at Extreme Rules in a couple days.
Backstage, and Teddy Long is welcoming The Miz back to SmackDown. "The way things went out there, I feel like I never left," Miz says.
Damien Sandow shows up and says no one would have missed Miz if he had stayed gone. That way fans could have a show with an intellectually superior athlete like himself.
So he proposes "The Damien Sandow Show." That sounds like the best thing ever.
He even invites Long to be the first guest on the show and Teddy says he'll take it under consideration but first he has to prove himself in a match against none other than
That emphasis isn't mine. That's Long doing his thing out there, not caring about it at all.
Tons of Funk now on their way to the ring. Tensai was doing the damn thing in Japan before getting the call to come back to WWE, actually getting taken seriously as a performer. Now, after a failed push as Lord Tensai, he's one half of a dancing dinosaur team.
Tons of Funk vs. Prime Time Players
Another quick and dirty match, won by Tons of Funk after a double splash. Young ate the pin.
BREAK THE WALLS DOWN.
Chris Jericho vs. Antonio Cesaro
Oh dear god. They're now pushing the app so hard that in the early stages of this match, they put a phone in the lower right corner of the screen showing Fandango doing a gag with Summer Rae where she faked hurting her ankle again before they laughed about it to mock Jericho.
Who can't see what's going on and is in the middle of a match we aren't able to watch because our eyes are totally on Fandango in the corner on a tiny telephone.
The match was actually pretty damn good by the time it was over, though the pacing was a bit of an issue because it wasn't as enjoyable during the match as the end result made it feel.
Naturally, there's a post-match angle with Fandango's music hitting and Summer Rae coming out to the ramp. She's only a distraction, though, as Fandango tries to come up behind Jericho and fails because "Y2J" was looking for him.
Fandango's ambush having failed, he bails to the back. Meanwhile, Cesaro returns to the ring to get payback for his loss and ends up eating a Codebreaker for his trouble.
That's how the first hour ends.
Pre-tape promo from Colter and Swagger. The topic of this one is Extremism, which Colter asserts is how he and his real American friend Swagger have been labeled as being since they returned and tried to introduce the issues to the wider audience.
He starts pushing the same talking points as always. No progression here at all. Just the same nonsense.
Colter asks if Dolph Ziggler is really hurt or if he's just afraid. That's at least a little bit better. Then it's right back to asking everyone to wonder why real Americans like he and Swagger are getting vilified when they're the only ones willing to ask the hard questions on why things are the way they are.
Swagger ends with "we the people" and the same promo you've seen a million times before ends.
The Miz vs. Damien Sandow
Cody Rhodes is on commentary for this match, thanks to the fact that Miz vs. Rhodes has been made for the Extreme Rules pre-show on Sunday.
Miz gets a big babyface reaction for his entrance, which sounds completely genuine, we swear. It's definitely not piped in. Certainly not. No way is that possible.
At one point in the match, Rhodes gets up off the commentary desk, grabs a mic, and tells the crowd to get on its feet and cheer for Sandow. No one does. They focus the camera on Rhodes and you can see no one reacting to the situation but you still hear boos. It's awful.
Sandow even looked out at Rhodes briefly like he was wondering what the hell Cody was doing. Would be great if that was actually the case.
The commentary is better than the match in the ring. Rhodes is dogging out Josh Matthews, who is trying to make fun of his mustache.
Anyway, Miz beats Sandow because that's how these things go a couple days out from one of the guys in the match having a PPV to get ready for and the other not.
Miz won with the Figure Four after failed interference from Rhodes, by the way.
"From his mentor Ric Flair," Cole called out when the Figure Four was locked on.
Aksana vs. Kaitlyn
I'm going to keep harping on the piped in noise because Kaitlyn just got a big babyface reaction. This is so silly.
They run a skit on Kaitlyn yakking with someone over the secret admirer she has. The commentary team starts talking about who it could be. Josh Matthews is in heel mode, shitting on dating sites being for ugly people and the secret admirer must be ugly because it's a secret admirer and attractive people don't need to be anonymous because they're attractive.
He guesses that Sin Cara is the secret admirer because he wears a mask because he's ugly.
Can Brock Lesnar come out and F-5 this clown right now, please?
JBL and Cole start bashing him and I think they've called maybe two moves inside the ring. Not that this is a worthwhile match or anything but they're a commentary team; it's their job to call the damn match.
The long and short of it is that Aksana had control the entire match but Kaitlyn came back late and got the win on the strength of a single spear. Literally, she got her ass whooped the entire match, pushed Aksana into the ropes and hit the spear to get the pin.
That's all it took.
Main event time.
They need 10 minutes just for entrances.
Orton, Del Rio, Sheamus vs. Henry, Show, Swagger
The heels actually working together really well here. Del Rio may have done the worst job I've ever seen selling some headbutts from Henry.
The match was your typical six-man affair: The end saw chaos erupt and eventually, Swagger tried to put Del Rio in the Patriot Lock and Orton came in with the RKO to get the pin.
The heels were left retreating after each taking kicks to the head.