WWE Monday Night Raw comes waltzing back into our lives tonight (Mar. 31, 2014) from the Verizon Center in Washington D.C., featuring the go home show to the WrestleMania 30 pay-per-view (PPV) extravaganza this coming Sunday night in New Orleans.
Advertised for tonight: All the closing angles to the big event this weekend, including appearances from all the major players. Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Brock Lesnar, Randy Orton, Batista, John Cena, Bray Wyatt, Daniel Bryan, Triple H, and more!
Come right back here at 8 p.m. ET when the Raw live blog kicks off once the show starts on USA. It will be below this line here. (REMINDER: NO GIFS OR PICS ARE ALLOWED IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. OFFENDERS WILL BE BANNED.)
WWE RAW RESULTS AND LIVE BLOG FOR MAR. 31
Rex here. Time to mark out with our snark out. Tagging in for Rex...it's Sean-tista. That means an old man desperately trying to keep up with the show. None of that twenty-something simultaneous live blogging, commenting, tweeting. DEAL WITH IT!
Cole and co. use the fifteen minutes it takes Undertaker to get in the ring to run down last week's haunting of Brock Lesnar and generally schill for Sunday.
From under his hood, The Dead Man tells us that 21 men have been put down in the name of The Streak (actually some of those were repeats, but...don't stop him, he's rolling). The Streak exists because he'll go farther than anyone else. He'll drown rather than save himself, which he doesn't think Lesnar will do. Brock will swim back to shore, and probably F5 a shark or two on the way.
Some believe The Streak will inevitably be broken (boos and "no"s from the crowd), others think it is like death and taxes and comes for all men. Taker starts to deliver his catch phrase, when Brock's music hits (and, sorry Geno, not the voice crack remix).
Heyman is out to basically hype the match with a voiceover for a video package. He calls Brock F5ing Taker and breaking The Streak a spoiler rather than a prediction.
Brock turns to walk away and then has a different idea. He heads to the ring until UT removes his Shredder duster, and Lesnar just points at the WrestleMania sign. A couple more fake-outs before Heyman feigns sliding in with a chair and Brock uses the opportunity to slide in the other side. He eats some punches, but then connects with a clothesline and an F5. Message sent.
Intercontinental champ Big E vs. Alberto Del Rio
E dominates until Del Rio dodges a charge and sends the champ shoulder first into the ringpost. Too bad he doesn't have a submission finisher that targets the arm...
Bum wing and all, Big manages to catch Del Rio on a top rope cross body for the backbreaker. Unable to get the pin with a few other moves, he goes for the Big Ending but ADR slips out the back for a backstabber. That eventually leads to a cross armbreaker, but E lifts him up out of the hold for a slam. The pin attempt following that ends with Alberto grabbing the bottom rope. Precariously (and ridiculously) stuck leg first in the ropes in the corner, the former Langston gets double-stomped in the chest and superkicked to take the pin.
App vote! Which Shield member do you want to see face Kane tonight?
Recap of Cena being fitted for his sheep mask. Luke Harper whistles us into an upside down Bray with "The Whole World in his Hand", who cuts a promo, then proceeds to tell us that children will be crying when he reveals John as a monster at 'Mania.
Total Divas angle! Summer Rae vs. Natalya
Vickie Guerrero is on commentary to plug her Invitational.
Natty out with a lot of slapping, followed by Summer with a lot of kicking. A rest hold follows before business picks up with a couple of suplexes by Nat and the spot where she runs up her opponent's back to hit the ropes for a drop kick. She tries for the Sharpshotter, but SR kicks her off and rolls out. Natalya tries to pull her back in hair first, but a kick to the head gives Fandango's gal a quick win out of nowhere.
Behold the King...the King of Kings (shouldn't Haitch get Motörhead to write a theme for The Authority?)
Steph and her man are here to allow of us an opportunity to say farewell to the YES Movement before Hunter destroys Daniel Bryan at 'Mania. In an attempt to put over The Reality Era, they blame the failure of Fandango-ing on the fans. It's proof, like "Yes"ing, that the kids today just want to be a part of something and then they move on to the next flavor of the day.
Daniel Bryan will not be here, as he was sent to New Orleans early to rest up. The Game is not on top because he married well (even though he did), he is because he is a dominant force in the ring. He's put down everyone who wanted to topple him and his reign. And he has a video to prove it.
Lots of Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy in it, too. No Batista, though.
Blah, blah, I'm The Game and I'm leaving WrestleMania as WWE World Heavyweight Champion.
Somebody walks alone, even in dangerous pits.
Hometown boy is rocking the Hoyas gear, and points out what we all noticed, that he wasn't in Hunter's video because Trips has never beaten him. Haitch asks if he bought the shirt in the gift shop while he was buying new glasses (BURN), and Batista puts over Steph as the brawn of the marriage.
Talkative and understanding voices are in his head.
Randy asks if McMahon can wait until he gets in the ring before she slaps the taste out of Big Dave's mouth. He wants Hunter to reconsider joining the triple threat, but Triple H tells him to stop kissing ass and find his inner Viper. And he better do it soon, because Orton vs. Batista tonight is now no disqualification.
Eight man tag - Usos and Matadores vs. Rybaxel and Real Americans
Good guys were largely in control until Cesaro came in, but miscommunication amongst the heels put the faces right back in charge against Ryback. Swagger on the offensive (and possibly with a busted schoz - Karma (without the h)!) as we head to commercial.
Swiss Superman back in when we return , and catches an Uso on a splash for a one-arm backbreaker! Real Americans with a team spot where Swagger throws Cesaro into their opponent and then he whips the Uso into a clothesline from Jack. Ryback comes in and gets DDTed, but Axel clears off the opposing corner, but then screws up and lets the other Uso in. CHAOS! Matadores spoil the swing, but one of them dives into an ankle lock. An Uso breaks it up, but magia doble! The other Matador rolls up Swagger for the win.
Summer pulling double duty for...
Fandango & Damien Sandow vs. The Rhodes Brothers
Cody and his former best friend start it off, and 'dango does his part to make Rhodes the face-in-peril. The evil duo work him over, but RHodes gets a tag when Sandow tries to lock up his legs. Goldy cleans house and then CHAOS! Great screm from Summer, and apt because her boys lose when 'dust hits Final Cut on Damien.
Recap of Korporate Kane's revenge on The Shield as a lead in to a promo from the Hounds. Don't mess with The Shield, believe in them.
Washington, D.C. They're here.
Bray Wyatt vs. R-Truth
Involved a little more offense from Truth than you might think, but ultimately went about how you imagined it would go. Sister Abigail. Xavier Woods mauled by The Family. Buzzard following.
But someone has borrowed Daniel Bryan's old coveralls, and has joined The Wyatts in a sheep mask. Bai Gawd, it's CENA! AA to Rowan! AA to Harper! Near AA to Wyatt before he bails.
You can't see him. His time is now.
AJ Lee vs. a patch-less Naomi in a lumberjill match.
The other Divas all attack AJ when she rolls out, but don't do anything to the Funkadactyl when she's on the floor. Tamina ignores her turn from last Friday and gets taken out for trying to aid the champ, and the Naomi does her best Mojo Rawley to pin Lee while Vickie looks pleased from the stage.
Renee Young with John Cena...it's Southern preacher Jern, telling us that desperate times call for desperate measures. On Sunday, he will be a monster for a day to preserve his legacy for a lifetime. And give Bray a new gait due to the footwear in his rectal cavity.
The WrestleMania "expert" panel is Booker T, Bad News Barrett and Alex Riley. One out of three ain't...good.
Roman wins the App vote in a landslide 80% to fart noise. For the record, I voted for Rollins. Why wouldn't you want to see him wrestle?
Kane vs. Roman Reigns
Kane's hair is growing in nicely. Early strikes from the Shield-man lead to a big boot from the DoO. Reigns powers out of the goozle and then delivers a flying forearm. Apron drop kick and he sets up for the spear when the Outlaws strut down the ramp. Ambrose and Rollins jump them from behind, clearing Roman to hit the Superman punch. All three Hounds in the ring for the DQ win for Kane, and Billy and Dogg save Kane from the triple powerbomb. The big man asks "IS THAT ALL YOU DO? RUN?" as The Authority lackeys back their way to the back.
Roddy puts over the main event of Mania I, and points out that he was not pinned in that match. He talks about Andre, and the Memorial match, and talks right over Miz's introduction/interruption. Miz is back in full heel mode, when Sheamus cuts him off. Titus O'Neil talks over all the men in the ring, telling them to hol' up (without the 'd'). Dolph is here to show the world...I think I see where this is going now.
Roddy is frustrated, so he gives Miz a finger to the eye to start the inevitable brawl. Twenty or so other guys from the Andre Memorial hit the ring, Rey Mysterio even gets music for his showdown with Sin Cara, before the man Michael Cole calls "the favorite", The Big Show hits the scene. Everyone tries to jump him, but they all get thrown off. Ziggy and Zack get stereo chokeslams. Rey gets lawn darted onto the crowd on the floor. Piper holds up Show's big meaty hook as we fade out.
Batista vs. Orton - NO DQ
Dave seems to take it a little easy with his entrance. The Authority come out for front row seats, and headsets!
Batista power shoulders his way into the ring post, and Orton takes control. Steph's laughter when Cole suggests that Bryan could win the titles at WrestleMania almost saves the whole show. Actually, watching Randy kick the heck out of The Animal is pretty fun, too.
Batista takes advantage of the time it takes Orton to grab a chair to deliver a kick to the gut and start kicking ass on the floor. Orton finds a kendo stick, but then gets reversed into the steel steps. Batista takes too long to set-up and The Viper sets into his moves of doom when DANIEL BRYAN IS HERE! He attacks Trips at announce, but Orton pulls him off. Batista with a spear to Randy! Flying knee to Batista! Suicide dive onto Triple H! Bryan has a kendo stick and he's tanning The Game's hide!
The ring is cleared and The Beard is leading D.C. in YES chants while Steph screams "It ends at WrestleMania!"
Big finish...let the fretting about what it means for Sunday begin.