WWE returned to the USA network for Monday Night Raw last night (May 6, 2013) from Roanoke, Virginia, featuring the return of Brock Lesnar, kind of, more nonsense involving Fandango, John Cena and Ryback handling business, and The Shield still running amok.
It's rough sledding without CM Punk, basically.
Click here for full results and the live blog from the show if you missed it. Let's get right to reactions, abbreviated and back in the old format for this week.
- The reactions are abbreviated this week for a number of reasons but the biggest is that this was a piece of shit for a show. We knew it would be bleak after WrestleMania, what with the big stars all leaving or taking on much lesser roles, but this is just ridiculous. The three-hour era was bad when they had the roster to support it but with major players like The Rock and CM Punk gone, there's simply no reason for this show to run that long. We've beat that drum a lot, yes, but it's still worth beating because it's hard to ignore how awful it is that WWE wants you to watch its product for that long while it's so inferior.
- John Cena vs. Ryback is an awful main event feud for too many reasons to count. They went and made it worse by allowing the latter to pick the stipulation for the match and having it be a Last Man Standing bout, which ensures 20 minutes of awful on May 19 at Extreme Rules. Cena is still Cena, working his lame comedy, while Ryback is still Ryback, always seemingly holding back an impossibly large dump he has to go take later when he doesn't need to be on TV.
- Ryback vs. Kane should never happen again.
- Having Brock Lesnar trash WWE headquarters and Triple H's office in particular is supposed to make me want to see the third match between the two? Really? This is the shit you're pulling out in advance of the trilogy match? How is it possible for creative not to have something for the feud involving the fucking boss of the company and the guy they're paying millions of dollars to for sporadic appearances? Yeah, let's use one of Lesnar's dates on him using a sledgehammer to bust up a fake office. That'll put some butts in the seats.
- Actually, it will make Brock look dumb, and I'm sure that's the point anyway.
- Fandango. I don't even want to talk about Fandango at this point. He did Opie and Anthony with Jim Norton and had me eating out of the palm of his hand and now WWE has killed him dead. What's worse is Chris Jericho is being dragged along with him. Maybe it was my general mood and distaste for absolute bullshit during this show but retread ideas like scoring moves and repeating lame names for Fandango just made me want to change the channel. Just stop already. What's even worse is they announced a dance off between the two next week on Raw. Two major television feuds and we get a guy tearing up a fake office and a dance off.
- Fuck you, creative.
- Meanwhile, Antonio Cesaro can yodel and still do outstanding work while Damien Sandow is singing and being more entertaining than nearly anyone else on the roster, even if he's only jobbing out to Randy "No, I Think I Won't Bother To Sell This Sleeper, Thank You Very Much" Orton.
- The Shield beat up Kofi Kingston and The Usos. Hey Kofi, welcome to United States championship status, where you lose all the time and the belt you're wearing is nothing more than a silly prop that no one cares about!
- There was a Divas match. It was long and boring but AJ Lee was in it and that's nice, I guess. There was also the Divas segment where Kaitlyn got another mysterious message from an anonymous admirer. Which is great, because Kaitlyn is playing dumb yet this anonymous admirer has her phone number. Surely it's Big E. Langston.
- Don't call me Shirley.
- I love when WWE books a really long match on Raw with Dolph Ziggler in it because I just enjoy watching the dude wrestle. But here's the thing: don't let me get invested in a match 12 minutes deep and then have Jack Swagger's big dumb ass come rolling out to cause a disqualification. Don't you ever book a guy whose entrance music is more over than he is to cause a DQ in a good match. Never again.
- Let's just ignore all this crap between Sheamus and Mark Henry. The HOSS FIGHT should be just fine come PPV time.
- Final thought: Please come back, Punk. Please.
Pissy mood + long Raw + awful creative = #GenoTime.
Fuck this show. Your turn.