WWE Monday Night Raw comes waltzing back into our lives tonight (Dec. 31, 2012) from the Verizon Center in Washington D.C., featuring a show that was taped this past Saturday night.
That's because it's New Year's Eve, everybody!
If you want to read full spoilers for the show before it airs tonight click here.
Come right back here at 8 p.m. ET when the Raw live blog kicks off once the show starts on USA. It will be below this line here.
WWE RAW RESULTS AND LIVE BLOG FOR DEC. 31
Geno Bradford here seeing you through the end of 2012.
Broadcast is live.
MizTV is opening tonight's Raw. And there was much rejoicing.
Tonight is a "Championships on the line type of night." All current champions can decide their opponents, with the belts on the line. I guess WWE Creative is stealing from that other promotion.
Miz's guest tonight is a 10-time champion, JOHN CENA!
And there was much rejoicing.
Cena wishes us all a happy holidays and a happy New Year. He's such a sweet guy like that.
Miz is grilling Cena on the AJ fiasco. He wants to know what Cena "really thinks of AJ Lee."
Cena: "It's over."
A "really" follows, because Miz deals only in cliches.
Dolph Ziggler and AJ had invited Cena to a "toast to ring in the New Year," and Cena has agreed that he will make an apparence.
Rhodes Scholars come out to livly things up. Sandow quotes the great T.S. Elliot, "This is how the world ends. Not with a bang but with a whimper."
Cena quotes the great Robert Griffin III: "You guys suck."
Sandow states that he has never heard to that man, to a round of boos. A "RG3" chant breaks out. Just in case you forgot Raw was in D.C. tonight.
Cena starts inching closer to Cody's mustache. Apparently he is as amazed by it as the rest of us.
Sandow puts Miz and Cena on blast, stating that they there were main eventing WrestleMania to being upstaged by Team Rhodes Scholars.
He isn't wrong.
Cena offers the pair a challenge: "Gandalf and Magnum P.I. lace up your boots and face us in the ring right now!"
And I guess we have a match!
The Miz & John Cena vs. Rhodes Scholars
Cody and Cena to start things off. Cena gets an early advantage. He tags in Miz, who hits the double ax handle from the top rope. Cody goes reeling back to his corner to tag in Sandow.
Sandow and Miz going at it. "The Awesome One" takes control, and Sandow has to roll out of the ring to take a breather.
Back from commercial and Cena is dominating Sandow. "The Bearded One" does his best to fight back, but it is quickly squashed.
A tag to Miz allows Sandow to get back control. A series of stomps in the corner, and a tag to Cody to continue the festival of boots.
Miz is able to get Cody into a neutral corner and deliver his own flurry of punches. Cody falls to the mat, but his shoulders are only down for two.
Cody is able to get back to his own corner a tag in Sandow, who regains his dominance over Miz. An Elbow of Disdain -- seriously, don't ask me to write the Latin name -- is good for a two count.
Cody gets the tag and continues controlling the match. He gets the two count, and tags in Sandow.
THE MIZ WITH A ROLL UP!
Only good for two.
Cody back in with some smart knees to the gut. I guess the plan is to just kick Miz's ass and not let him tag Cena in.
This is why they are called Rhodes Scholars.
Cody and Sandow exchange another series of tags and keep Miz in their own corner.
The Miz tosses Cody across the ring and both men are down. They are slowly crawling to their corners...
AND CENA GETS THE HOT TAG! SANDOW GETS THE HOT TAG! EVERYONE GETS A HOT TAG!
Cena goes into the Five Moves of Doom against Sandow. He hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle...
And Cody interrupts it with a Beautiful Disaster Kick!
The Miz in to hit the Skull Crushing Finale on Cody. Cena finishes things off with an AA on Sandow, and that gets the three count.
The Miz & John Cena are your winners. That's an odd sentence to type.
Backstage with the entire roster. There is ballooons, signs, such a festive atmosphere.
Ziggler approches Vickie. He thanks her for the invite. He is apparently joking, because Vickie did not invite him. She also informs him that he has a match tonight.
She is a vengeful woman.
We're back at the party with The Prime Time Players doing the "Millions of Dollars" dance to Vickie. I wish I was at that party
Up comes CM Punk and Paul Heyman. He tells Vickie that he is doing well, exept for his damanged knee. Apparently he brought his personal doctor from Chicago to prove how badly damaged it is.
Vickie tells Punk that Ryback needs to face someone tonight. Punk whispers something into her ear...
The Shield! In a Three-on-One Handicap Match!
Vickie can be persuaded very easily, it seems.
Punk gives her a kiss on the check and leaves. Heyman tries the same, and is shot down.
Antonio Cesaro in the ring. He talks about how great visiting D.C. was. He visited The Washington Monument and the Pentagon. While there, he met a great patriot. It is that man who he wants to face tonight.
Out comes the legend himself, Sgt. Slaughter, Old Glory in tow.
Cesaro vs. Sgt. Slaughter for the United States Championship
Cesaro with control early. Slaughter actually getting a little bit of offense in.
He locks in the Cobra Clutch!
Cesaro makes his way to the rope pretty easily. The ref breaks up the hold.
The United States Champion hits The Neutralizer, and the match is over.
To really make his point, he hits The Neutralizer again.
To be a good heel, sometimes you have to get some blisters. Or something like that.
Daniel Bryan and Kane in the locker room. They both wanted to pick The Shield as their opponents, and are pissed that they are facing Ryback.
Screaming from down the room. It's 3MB "rehercing"
We have a match!
Back to the party! Ricardo Rodriguez getting some punch when The Big Show walks up to him. Show offers him an opportunity at the World Heavyweight Championship tonight!
Ricardo drops his punch. And probably dropped something else in his pants.
Pan across the party, and Mae Young is hanging out with all the Divas! Eve takes this opportunity to inform the Divas that she will be choosing Mae as her opponent tonight.
That...is an odd choice.
Hell No vs. 3MB for the Tag Team Championship
Drew McIntyre and Heath Slater will be competing tonight.
Slater and Bryan get things started off. Bryan gets early control with a few shoulder blocks. He follows that up with a surfboard.
What an awesome move the surfboard is.
A tag to Kane who lands a drop kick. That is good for a two count. An Irish Whip into the ropes gives Slater the chance to tag in Drew.
The opponent doesn't matter, though. Kane lays Drew out and tags in Bryan. Bryan lands his own drop kick and gets the two count.
Drew starts the comeback, but Bryan responds with some smart kicks to the shins. Bryan tries to run the ropes, but Slater holds them open so he goes flying through. Jinder Mahal with the strike on the outside while the ref isn't looking. He sends Bryan back in.
Slater is waiting in the ring and gets the headlock. Bryan fights to get to his feet. A double diving crossbody leaves both men down on the ground.
Slater crawls to tag in Drew, who does his best to keep Bryan out of the corner. Kane gets the hot tag, though, and runs over Drew pretty easily. A Sidewalk Slam followed by a flying punch off the turnbuckle. Slater does his best to break things up, but he gets thrown over the top rope.
Kane with the Chokeslam. He tags in Bryan, who hits the flying headbutt. That gets the three count. The Tag Team Champions retain.
Bryan playing air guitar on his title belt. Kane is not enjoying it at all.
Replay of The Miz and John Cena's victory. Because Raw knows I need time to edit what I'm writing.
-static- DA NANANA NAH NANANANAH! (That's supposed to be CM Punk's music)
Out comes Punk, Heyman, and Punk's personal physician to the ring.
A replay of Ryback's assault on Punk.
Heyman introducing the man who has held the WWE Championship for every single day of 2012. Four hundred and seven consecutive days. The best in the world.
C. M. PUNK!
Punk going through the list of his challengers to his throne. He is also listing the injuries he has suffered over 2012. Chipped teeth, contusions, broken bones. But he is a man, a champion, a champion's champion, a fighting champion, a fighting champion's champion.
The point is he thinks very highly of himself.
Punk wishes to bring out his doctor to prove that his injury is legitimate. The good doctor puts an x-ray of a healthy knee and Punk's injured knee on the big screen. The good doctor informs us that there is a large about of swelling and torn meniscus.
Audience: "What?" Apparently they haven't watched enough House.
Punk informs the audience that he will be healthy enough next week to compete next week against Ryback. However! The good doctor tells Punk that in his professional opinion, Punk will not be healthy enough to be in a match. Punk is pissed off by this news.
Out comes Vince McMahon to get things settled. He wishes D.C. a happy New Year. He also wonders how Punk would try to weasel his out out of the TLC Match next week.
Heyman is flabbergasted. Punk has been champion for over a year, and has not once "weaseled" his way out of anything.
Vince doesn't seem to believe that. He tells Punk that WWE doctors will be evaluating him to see if he can compete next week in the TLC Match.
Punk continues to deny his ties to Brad Maddox and The Shield. He says that Vince, someone who has been prosecuted by the government, shouldn't jump to such conclusions.
That is actually a wicked good line.
Vince tells him that the investigation will continue. Heyman takes offense to this. He calls Punk a hero, and how dare Vince force Punk into competing.
Heyman: "You have become a flesh peddling promotor."
Ouch. That's harsh.
Vince announces that if Punk cannot compete next week, he will just have to choose a new opponent.
And that opponent will be...
I bet no one saw that coming.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Sheamus
Both men circling, trying to get a feel of each other. Ziggler the first to make a move. He lands a series of punches, pushing Sheamus into the corner. The ref pulls him off, and Sheamus uses the opportunity to land his own attack. He gets an early two count.
Ziggler mounts a brief comeback. Off the ropes he goes, and straight into a back body drop. Sheamus gets another two count.
Sheamus sends Ziggler over the top rope. Ziggler lands on the apron. He tries to tackle Shaemus through the ropes, but Sheamus dodges it. He ties up Ziggler for the Irish Hand Grenade. He makes it to two before Big E pulls Ziggler out of the ropes.
We come back from commercial with Ziggler in control. He has Sheamus in a headlock, but that is short lived. Sheamus with a pair of shoulder blocks and a high knee. He lifts Ziggler onto his shoulders, but Ziggler is able to squirm out of it.
A beautiful, flying DDT by Ziggler gets a two count.
Ziggler drops an elbow and gets a short two. Sheamus lands a series of punches, but Ziggler puts an end to that with a kick to the knee. A dropkick gets him another two count.
Ziggler has the headlock on Sheamus. "The Great White" struggling to fight out of it. He finally gets to his feet and sends Ziggler into the ropes. A body drop gets Sheamus a two count.
Ziggler tries to roll away, but Sheamus is quick to get him. Sheamus holding Ziggler climbs to the second rope.
And he launched Ziggler across the ring! Only good for two, though.
Sheamus makes his way to the top rope. Big E giving the Irish fella a staredown. Ziggler tries to take the moment to launch himself up, but a big right hand from Sheamus puts Ziggler back down on the mat.
A huge battering ram from Sheamus from the top rope. Again, only good for two.
Ziggler struggles to get up and tries to hit the flying DDT. Sheamus is able to sniff this out though, He grabs Ziggler in midair and hits a White Noise.
The crowd is calling for the Brogue Kick. Sheamus is tuning up the band.
And Big E grabs Sheamus' foot from outside the ring. Ziggler tries to hit the Zig-Zag, but Sheamus is having none of it. He tosses Ziggler outside, but right into the arms of Big E.
Sheamus is calling for Big E. It looks like we are about to have a hoss fight on our hands.
And out of no where comes The Shield!
Sheamus is doing his best to fight the trio off. He looks like he is getting the upper hand, but a huge spear by Reigns puts Sheamus down.
A Triple Powerbomb later, and The Shield is standing tall over Sheamus.
"Believe in The Shield!"
Backstage with Kofi Kingston worrying about Sheamus. Up comes Wade Barrett, telling Kofi need he needs to pick someone to face for the Intercontinental Championship. Kofi assures Wade that he has beaten him once, and he will beat him again.
Looks like we have our Intercontinental Championship matchup
In the locker room with Punk and Heyamn. And up walks the lovely Brad Maddox with his camera man. He is asking Punk and Heyman for help. More specifically, the guy needs a job.
Heyman is pissed off. He gets right up to Maddox's face. "Get out. Get. Out. Get our of CM Punk's lockerroom, and, more importantly, get out of our lives"
Punk is laughing while Maddox looks like he is about to cry. The poor guy slumps out of the locker room, leaving Punk and Heyman alone.
Back to the party we go! Mae Young is doubled over in pain. The doctor calls for a table, which he quickly receives. He takes a close examination of Young, and informs everyone that she cannot compete tonight.
"This woman....is pregnant!"
And the soap opra music plays in the background!
Mae: (looks directly at the camera) "Not again."
Gold, Jerry. Gold.
Eve out to the ring. It is still unknown who she will face, since Mae Young is "with child." Eve says Young is not competing based on a "flimsy excuse." Because her opponent cannot make it out, she needs to win by forfeit!
I see no flaws with this logic.
Out comes Kaitlyn, and it looks like we'll be having a fight after all!
Kaitlyn comes out firing! She lands a flury of lefts and rights before tossing Eve outside of the ring. Kaitlyn is quick to follow, and throws the Divas Champion into the barricade. Back into the ring, and Kaitlyn continues her assault.
Eve rolls out, but Kaitlyn tries to grab the Divas Championship from her. Eve manages to wrestle it free and escape back up the ramp.
Backstage with Ricardo and Alberto Del Rio. Del Rio asks if Ricardo is scared. Ricardo says that he is not scared, and he will win tonight.
And he will win it for Del Rio's honor!
Del Rio tells Ricardo that he feels bad for treating Ricardo like dirt. He will treat Ricardo better, and he will be in his corner tonight.
Ricardo tries to walk away, but Del Rio stops him.
Del Rio: "If you are going to win the World Heavyweight Championship tonight, you have to look like a champion." He gives Ricardo his scarf. Ricardo tries to walk away, but Del Rio stops him one more time.
He reaches into his pocket, and tosses Ricardo a pair of keys. Ricardo thanks him, and hurries off. The camera zooms in on Del Rio's smiling face.
This is a Alberto Del Rio I can get behind.
The Big Show out to the ring. He hands his championship belt for a kid to touch, and then snatches it away.
That's good heeling.
Ricardo driving out tonight's expensive automobile. Del Rio meets him at the ramp, and the pair walks down together. Del Rio gives the little guy a few slaps to the face to fire him up.
It should be noted the Ricardo is still in his tux. Although he did take the bow tie off.
The Big Show vs. Ricardo Rodriguez for the World Heavyweight Championship
The bell rings, and we have a match!
The Big Show offers up his leg for Ricardo. The little guy dives for it, but it does little good. Show with a huge chop to the back.
Show rips off Ricardo's jacket and shirt. A huge chop to the chest is followed by Show choking Ricardo on the top rope. He sets up Ricardo on the turn buckle while mouthing off to Del Rio. Del Rio throws off his jacket and looks pissed off. Show laughs and turns his attention back to Ricardo.
Who delivers a huge kick to Show face! He jump off and pushes Show into the corner. A beautiful flyin euziguri to Show's head! Ricardo runs to the turnbuckle, but Show puts up his leg.
And Ricardo grabs it! He drops down, driving his shoulder into Show's knee! The little guy can do it! He takes a flying leap towards Show.
And receives a huge chop to knock him down to the mat. Show is tired of this little nuisance. He s loading up the WMD.
In comes Del Rio to make the save. He attacks Show from behind before grabbing Ricardo and rolling out of there. A DQ victory for Show, who retains.
Kofi Kingston vs. Wade Barrett for the Intercontinental Championship
Kofi with the quick kicks to gain control early. They trade a pair of shoulder blocks. Kofi hits the dropkick to get a two count.
Wade is up and working Kofi's arm. Kofi manages to get free and tries to hit the Trouble in Paradise. He telegraphed it, though, and Wade is able to get out of the way.
The pair lock up in the middle of the ring. A hip toss by Kofi is reserved into a hip toss by Wade. Both men end up going over the top rope as we go to commercial.
We come back with Wade in control. He is manhandling Kofi in the middle of the ring. He ties up Kofi in the ropes and delivers a series of boots. Kofi counters with his own kick, which knocks Wade out of the ring. Kofi launches himself off the top rope right into Wade.
Kofi gets Wade back inside, but it's only good for two.
Wade gets the rollup, but only for two. He goes for the Wasteland, but Kofi counters with a S.O.S. That's good for two.
A quick back and forth between the two men, with dueling two counts.
Wade hits the Wasteland, but it only gets two.
Kofi gets a rollup of his own, but, again, only a two count.
Tonight's episode of Monday Night Raw has been brought to you by the number two. Seriously, that was six or seven straight two counts.
Kofi with the crossbody off the top rope, but nobody's home. Wade fixes the armband, and hits the Bull Hammer.
That gets the three count, and we have a NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION, WADE BARRET!
We are back to the party, and...
Mae Young is in labor. This is going to happen, folks. Mae Young will be giving birth to Baby New Year.
Recap of last week's Raw with Santa Claus.
We're backstage with Mae Young on the table. Khali is holding her legs open.
And Vickie farts. That's...ugh.
In comes Bryan and Kane with dueling "NO!" "YES!" chants. The entire room joins in.
The doctor tells everyone that the baby is coming out! We get a popping sound, and out comes the baby.
And it's Hornswaggle. With a sash, a top hat and a cigar. Except no one recognizes him, so I guess it's a seperate person. I'm not really sure how that works.
Lawler: "After watching that, I'm almost mad at the doctors in Canada for saving my life."
I think that about sums everything up.
The Shield make their way down from the audience. This was not a subtle segue, but whatever works.
FEED! ME! MORE!
And here comes Ryback to face all three men.
The Shield vs. Ryback
The Shield waste no time, with all three charging Ryback before he can even make his way down the ramp. Ryback does his best to fend them off, and even drives Ambrose into the corner. But the numbers game is just too much for Ryback.
And here comes Sheamus to make the save!
It turns out three is greater than two, though, and both Ryback and Sheamus are eating The Shield's boots.
I HEAR THE VOICES!
AND RANDY ORTON IS HERE TO MAKE THE SAVE!
Sheamus and Ryback toss Rollins and Reigns out of the ring while Ambrose eats an RKO. Reigns pulls Ambrose out of the ring, and the three of them back their way into the audience.
Ryback, Sheamus, and Orton standing tall in the middle of the ring.
Backstage with AJ and Dolph dressed in all white. We're going to have a toast to ring in the New Year, next!
Ziggler, AJ and Big E in the middle of the ring. There's a table, champaign, and balloons!
This is going to be a great party.
Ziggler addresses that the WWE Universe picked John Cena as Superstar of the Year. He says that the beginning of the year was all about John Cena vs. The Rock.
Which Cena lost.
Then the very next night, "John Cena got his ass kicked by Brock Lesnar."
Then at Over The Limit, John Laurinaitis defeated Cena.
"Does anyone even remember that guy? There can't be anything more embarrassing than that."
Then, at Raw 1000, Cena failed to successfully cash in his Money in the Bank contract against CM Punk.
And then, to end Cena's year, he lost at TLC when AJ pushed him off of a ladder.
That is a pretty good summary of Cena's year.
After such a horrible year, the WWE Universe still voted him Superstar of the Year.
AJ: "And they say I have mental problems."
Ziggler states that for 10 years, John Cena hasn't changed at all. It's 2013. Cena's time is up, and Ziggler's time is now!
Cena just can't keep up anymore.
Ziggler tells Big E that Cena is officially uninvited. Big E needs to stand guard to make sure Cena doesn't try to ruin the greatest toast to end 2012.
AJ gives a toast to "Mr. Money in the Bank," "The Showoff," the man who will be the superstar of 2013, and "the man I love," Dolph Ziggler.
Ziggler thanks her for her kind words with a quick make out session. Young love is so beautiful.
And out comes Cena to spoil the fun.
Cena: (To Big E) "Easy Mr. T."
That's not cool.
Cena goes on to say that Ziggler was right. 2012 was not his best year. He gives credit to Ziggler and AJ for ending the year so strong. He continues to say that 2013 will be even better for the couple! AJ had such a great year with her first relationship. And her second. And her third.
And fourth, fifth, and six.
Cena shows doctored photos of Ziggler and AJ wedding...with AJ wearing the Tux and Ziggler wearing a dress. He goes on to show a picture of Ziggler's and AJ baby, which is a mash up of their two faces on a babies body.
And then he shows a picture of all of AJ's babies. There is Ziggler, Kane, Byran, Eve, The Bushwackers, a dog...
I think he's calling AJ a whore.
Cena then goes into serious voice. He says that he had one bad season, and he gave up his Wrester of the Year award. But Ziggler has been around for seven years. He has been complaining about not "getting a push" the entire time, and everytime something goes wrong it is always someone else's fault.
Cena: "The only way a guy like you gets a pair of nuts is buying them at a conseccion stand"
He continues to list Ziggler's past gimmicks -- caddie, cheerleader, etc. -- Ziggler's hairstyle, and his large and skinny girlfriends. Cena calls attention to the fact that AJ is wearing a white dress -- again, he is calling her a whore -- and says that his uniform has not changed in ten years is because he is still full of hustle, loyalty, and respect.
Cena: "But here is what you are full of"
Brown the stuff comes falling out of the sky. It's a poop joke, you see.
We fade to black with AJ screaming, covered in fake crap.
End the final Monday Night Raw of 2012.