Michael N. Todaro
WWE forgot that Vickie Guerrero was a heel, waiting for her big reveal on Monday Night RAW to transmogrify AJ Lee into a hunk-hungry ho, whose sexual appetite can only be satiated by the one move of doom. Here's why John Cena cashed in his money in the skank.
Hey ho, how ya doin', where ya been?
Prolly doin' ho stuff, cuz there you ho again.
It's a ho wide world that we livin in,
Feline, feminine, fantastical, women.
Not all, just some, you ho who you are,
There's hoes in the room, there's hoes in the car.
There's hoes on stage, there's hoes by the bar,
Hoes by near, and hoes by far.
No, those aren't the minutes from the last WWE creative meeting, they're lyrics from Def Jam rapper "Ludacris," whose name makes a nice segue into the ludicrous angle presented by WWE last Monday night (Nov. 19, 2012) involving AJ Lee, John Cena and Vickie Guerrero (see its genesis here). Not to mention the years and years of misogynistic attitudes perpetrated by the world's preeminent professional wrestling organization.
I'm no prude. Growing up, I only cared about Miss Elizabeth because I wanted to wear her undergarments like a face-hugger from Alien. Her role was played brilliantly, too, manipulating our "knight in shining armor" chromosome, because the meaner "Macho Man" got, the more teenage horndogs like me wanted to save her.
"If she was my wife, I would treat her so much better!"
Monogamy in pro wrestling is about as reliable as monogamy in real life. Chances are, someone you know decided to switch partners when a better offer came along. Did I have a problem when AJ Lee was bouncing between Kane, Daniel Bryan and CM Punk?
Not at all.
That's because Lee, to a certain degree, was playing the role of Black Widow. In the case of her phony wedding, she was seeking power and using her sexuality to attain it. So what if she had to break a few hearts along the way, it's called collateral damage.
Otherwise known to men as punishment for thinking with your dick.
That's a bona fide storyline, and while it was oddly out of place for the alleged "PG" era, it at least completed an arc. Girl gets treated like shit, girl feigns lunacy, girl smooches rivals, girl gets revenge. As site commandant and potential Jay Lovie assassin Geno Mrosko would say, "Easy-peasy."
But not as easy as making Lee a ho.
It's a shame, too, because she's got talent. We know that from her brilliant run earlier this year. But that had to be the work of Triple H, right? Or Vince McMahon? No way a girl with those thighs could be competent enough to win the crowd (and her freedom).
Sorry, creative has nothing for you.
Or in this case, nothing worth watching. I don't mind if Guerrero makes wild accusations as a power play to further her own career, but the payoff has to be Vickie getting exposed for her undermining deeds. Why? Because as the heel, she's supposed to be a liar and a cheater, not a goddamn sexual prophet. It just didn't make any sense to have John Cena swapping spit with the former RAW General Manager during their big reveal.
Unless, of course, AJ Lee is just a ho.
It could be as simple as lazy booking. You can make a woman vulnerable -- and even irritating -- without sacrificing her dignity or self-respect. One of my all-time favorite crushes (second only to The Nanny) is Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde (known in Japan as Cutie Blonde -- lolz). She talks like an airhead, gets dumped by her boyfriend and fails miserably in "the real world."
But here's the punchline.
She eventually wins. And she wins because her character, Elle Woods, is able to overcome heartbreak, peer pressure and the meat grinder known as Harvard Law School. Actually, "she" doesn't do it, Karen McCullah Lutz and Kirsten Smith do it. They authored the screenplay for the 2001 blockbuster and Elle only succeeds because the script allows her to.
By comparison, the recent RAW rewrites read like Marilyn French's War Against Women.
While Witherspoon opened number one at the box office and helped MGM gross over 100 million dollars, good-looking girls who bend over for a living, like Kira Reed and Nikki Fritz, were relegated to the wee hours of the morning on Skinemax.
Because taking off your clothes and getting jizzed on by someone different every week gets nothing more than a cheap pop and doesn't require a whole lot of time, money or effort.
Apparently, neither does being a writer for WWE.