Kim! ODB! Tessmacher! Mickie! Sky! Gauntlet Match! #1 Contender! Knockout Championship!
Five lovely Knockouts will compete in a Gauntlet Match to earn the #1 Contendership to Tara's Knockout Championship. The odds on favorite to win would have been Mickie James, who returned to Impact Wrestling on Nov. 15. However, Velvet Sky made her return to the ring on Dec. 6 to the fan's great delight. With the Impact Zone in her corner, Sky seems to look like she will be raising the Knockout Championship above her head very shortly.
It's a shame the Knockouts don't get enough screen time. Unlike the females in that other promotion, the Knockouts actually know how to wrestle, and can hold up a storyline on their own. These are actually very talented women, and their work should get more exposure.
On the other hand, the only reason Sky
probably most likely will take this whole thing is because she knows how to shake her cute ass as she enters the ring. It's a two steps forward, one step backwards type of thing.
Storm! Daniels! Gruge Match!
"The Cowboy" James Storm will take on "The Self-Proclaimed Face of Impact Wrestling" Christopher Daniels because...
Well, I'm not really sure why these two are going at it. Most likely because TNA has absolutely no clue what to do with either of them.
Storm has really gotten the short end of the stick after defeating Bobby Roode at Bound For Glory (Oct. 14, 2012). What was supposed to be a star making match ended up as one of the most pathetic blow offs in TNA history. Roode is going on to challenge for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship while Storm is left to meander in the midcard.
By the way, someone needs to make a band named Meander in the Midcard. It doesn't have to be a good band. A perfectly average band will do nicely.
Daniels has proven to be one of -- if not the -- most entertaining performer on the TNA roster. It's a shame he has spent the last six years bothering AJ Styles for no other reason than his own personal amusement. This is a man who should be holding some type of title, if only to recognize the brilliance he brings in week in and week out.
That being said, Daniels does get more screen time than 90% of the roster. So he has that going for him.
Storm probably gets the victory tonight, if only because Daniels has been eating pinfalls like they're Pez Candies. Seriously, have you ever had one Pez? Maybe an entire Pez package, but not a single Pez.
What am I getting at? All I know is, I really want some Pez right now.
Chavo! Hernandez! Ryan! Morgan! Tag Team Championship!
This will be the second time in two pay-per-view's (PPV's) that Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez will put their Tag Team Championship on the line against Joey Ryan & Matt Morgan. At Final Resolution (Dec. 9) the two teams were evenly matched, until Morgan decided to go insane and laid his hands on the ref, earning a DQ.
But Ryan & Morgan get a second chance, and hopefully this time everyone can keep their composure. I say hopefully, because Chavo & Hernandez have done nothing with the titles. At least Ryan & Morgan have some type of characters and a backstory. Ryan is a porno star who is pissed at being looked over, and Morgan is a genetic freak who is pissed at being looked over.
It's not a great backstory, but at least it's something.
This being TNA, though, you always have to expect ex-WWE guys to pull out the victory. That trend will end eventually. I pray it ends tonight.
It won't end tonight, will it?
King! York! #1 Contender! X Division Championship!
Two of TNA's newest attractions, Kenny King and Christian York, face off in the finale of the X Division #1 Contender Tournament. What should be TNA's greatest assest has turned into yet another midcard attraction. This is what fans want to turn into Impact Wrestling to see.
Yet this isn't even the top X Division matchup of the night.
The powers that be know Rob Van Dam isn't doing anyone any favors as champion, so two separate X Division match ups have been booked. Normally, I would subscribe to the "more is better" philosophy. However, TNA has seriously limited how hard King and York can go in the first match. This should be a balls to the walls affair.
Knowing you have another match to get through, though, probably means you have to save some for later in the night.
As it stands, this will still be a great match to watch. Two very talented workers, both with something to prove to the fans. Whoever gets the victory tonight will most likely be the man TNA will choose to lead the X Division revival.
Unless they get jobbed out to RVD. Which is enterily possible.
RVD! TBD! X Division Championship!
Do you see all those words that are written right above this section? Do me a favor and go back to read them so I don't have to rewrite it again. Don't worry, I'll wait for you.
You finished? Good. Let's get started.
Rob Van Dam will take on either Kenny King or Christian York for the X Division Championship, depending on who wins the #1 Contender Tournament Final. Why RVD still has the title is beyond me. He should be little more than a transitional champion, not a man with a three-month reign. I'm really hoping he puts over King -- who seems to play a more natural heel than York -- and drops the title tonight. He's not good in the ring. He's not good on the mic. He pretty much only has half a dozen moves left in his arsenal, and none of them look believable anymore. This is a man who is a complete disgrace to the X Division Championship, and all it stands for.
Which probably means that he retains tonight. Because TNA hates you.
Devon! Park! Aces & 8s! Revenge!
This is a strange one, so let's see how well I can explain it.
Joseph Park appeared on the March 8 episode of Impact Wrestling looking for his brother, Abyss. The problem is, Joseph Park is Abyss. But no one can seem to figure that out. So he had a feud with Bully Ray, but everyone forgot about that pretty quickly.
Then Aces & 8s kidnapped Park on the Sept. 20 episode of Impact. I'm not sure why Park was kidnapped, but Hulk Hogan and Sting got really pissed off and had to do their best Jack Bauer impression to rescue him. So Park decided he wanted revenge, and wrestled a member of Aces & 8s on the Nov. 1 episode of Impact. He would eventually unmask DOC, and was put through a table for his trouble. The pair faced off again at Turning Point, but Park would get his ass kicked. Because he still thinks he is a lawyer and not Abyss.
Again, this is a weird storyline.
So Park went to Ohio Valley Wrestling (OVW) to receive training. It turned out he has some potential in the ring. Most likely because he is a former NWA World Heavyweight Champion. Now he has returned to the Impact Zone to seek his revenge against Devon.
All caught up? No? Eh, it doesn't really matter. This thing is going to go on for another four months with no resolution, so you have plenty of time to figure things out.
Sting! DOC! Aces & 8s! Revenge! Part II!
Sting returned on the Jan. 3 episode of Impact to get revenge against Aces & 8s. Tonight he faces DOC to get said revenge. That's all there is to say about this match.
No, seriously. That's all I'm going to say. Do you think C.J. was making a joke? Do you think C.J. is trying to be funny? Do you think C.J. is a clown? That C.J. paints his face and runs around in his underwear holding a phallic symbol because C.J. is too fat and old to be legitimately entertaining?
That's not what C.J. does. Because C.J. isn't a washed up hack.
Hardy! Aries! Roode! Triple Threat! Elimination! TNA World Heavyweight Champion!
For all the garbage TNA enjoys spewing, it has been bringing the heat in the main event. This is a match that makes people want to purchase a PPV.
This will be the match of the night, as the main event should be.
Jeff Hardy puts his TNA World Heavyweight Championship on the line in a Triple Threat Elimination Match against Austin Aries and Bobby Roode. The worst part of any Triple Threat match is that someone is always left out of the decision. The best part of an Elimination Math is that is no longer a problem. This opens the doors for all sorts of booking options. Will the new champion pin or submit both men? Does one of the heels steal a cheap victory following an elimination? Maybe there is some sort of double elimination shenanigan that goes down.
Normally I would cringe at that thought, but when was the last time a TNA PPV had a schmoz finish? I don't necessarily want to see it, but that would keep both Aries and Roode in the main event.
I'm perfectly okay with that.
As it stands, there is really not much more to say about this match. Hardy is the baby face champion who is loved by the creatures of the Impact Zone. Aries is the cocky heel who puts up four star matches at a minimum. Roode is the arrogant heel who has been killing it on the mic. This is what happens when TNA puts its best foot forward.
Why is it so hard for TNA to consistently do this?
Hopefully, this has prepared you for the night's festivities. Leave a comment below about what you are looking forward to, and please join Geno, myself, and the entire CSS Sunday night gang in the live blog right here.