Professional wrestling is as much about talking as it is about actual wrestling. We'll gladly watch men or women duke it out in the middle of a ring in venues across the globe, but we need a reason to care beyond "hey, this should be a good pro wrestling match between these pro wrestlers".
So we get promos from said wrestlers telling us exactly why we should care. Sometimes they hit (big) and sometimes they miss (badly). In this weekly feature, we'll deliver a few promos from the week that was, complete with text and video (if available) of the best and the worst.
Let's do THISSSS.
Sheamus was born to fight, but not talk, apparently.
"Eden, let's be honest here, this week is five years since I first debuted back in ECW, which seems like a lifetime ago. In that time I've held many championships and had many accomplishments but the most important thing to me right now is the United States championship. And yeah, it's the Fourth of July, it's Independence Day. I'm here in the United States of America, a country I've grown to love in those five years, which has given me more than I could have ever dreamed of. And everyone knows Del Rio and me have had our fair share of history but I always said since day one that I am going to be a fighting champion, and fighting is what I do, this is what I was born to do. Saying that, that was one hell of a scrap out there with the old Mexican Alberto Del Rio. But the time for fighting is over. Now it's time to party."
Thankfully, this interview was YouTube exclusive for "SmackDown Fallout" because it's not Sheamus' best work. In fact, it's some of his worst. He's tripping over his lines, he's got nothing to say, and he's forced to represent America when that goes against his character.
Remember that heel turn they were teasing for some time and then failed to follow through with, instead breaking up The Shield and focusing on that? That can't come soon enough.
Save us, Chris!
"The world does not have a voice of its own. It can't tell you what it wants; what it needs. But it's yearning for something to point it in the right direction. A savior, perhaps. Save us, Chris! You must forgive me. Where have my manners gone? I don't think I've had a chance to formally introduce myself. You may call me Bray Wyatt, but I have a thousand faces and a million names. Seducer, accuser, destroyer. I am the color red in a world full of black and white and if you value your ability to breathe, don't get too close. Save us, Chris! Save yourself."
In response to Chris Jericho's surprise return, Bray Wyatt kickstarted a feud between the two. On SmackDown last week, he didn't yet give us his reason why -- though he brilliantly hinted at it -- instead choosing simply to introduce himself in a way only he can.
Raw is not Jericho.
Raw is Wyatt.
The Eater of Worlds.
Happy bearded guy isn't happy
"You know, the way Tyson Kidd's been acting lately I wish I could say I was surprised but the truth is it's my fault. I should have seen that coming. The world is starting to see exactly what kind of person this guy is. I'm just a little surprised that Justin Gabriel was so easy to brainwash, especially after going toe-to-toe like that for 20 minutes. But it's okay; Neville here... maybe they didn't count on Adrian Neville, my friend. This isn't the last they've heard of either of us."
Sami Zayn could very well be a career babyface, in the same vein as Ricky Steamboat. It's much tougher to play the good guy and get over, as evidenced here. He saying the right words, it just feels uninspired.
Perhaps he's not yet ready for a call up to the main roster after all?
Twinkies, cockroaches, and Dean Ambrose's
"I live by a code. You might not think it because I look so wholesome. I live by a code. A couple things: One, I never lie, and Seth Rollins has found that out. When I say I'm going to do something, it happens. The other one is if I'm wronged and somebody messes with me or disrespects me or challenges me as a human being, as a man, or backs me into a corner, I will throw punches, and bite, and scratch, and claw, and headbutt, until I can't anymore. And I will go out on my sword.
"I spent two months in jail once in some small little Mexican border town because I got cut off in traffic. Well, it wasn't cause of just that, it was cause I followed the guy for like 36 miles -- he flipped me the bird. When we pulled over at the next truck stop I beat him just about to an inch of his life. And that was a long two months, right? But I had to do what I had to do.
"There are three things in this world that will survive a nuclear explosion: Twinkies, cockroaches, and Dean Ambrose's. Triple H and Seth Rollins don't get to win; they don't get to win until I'm not breathing anymore, until I'm not walking anymore, you know what I'm saying? And right now I'm walking just fine."
This was Ambrose talking to Renee Young on Raw Backstage Fallout last Monday night, so unfortunately there's no video (you'll have to hit up WWE Network for that). While The Shield may have had plenty of gas left in the tank as a team, we always badly needed the trio to break up if only because it would inevitably lead to promos like this from the master of the microphone.
This can't be scripted, right? This is just Ambrose answering one Renee question in a way only Ambrose can.
That's it for this week in promos.
Until next time.