FanPost

WWE Movie Review: I Watch 'The Chaperone' So You Don’t Have To!

It’s harder to enjoy a bad comedy than a bad drama. When a movie is trying so, so hard to be serious but is flubbing everything, it can be downright hilarious. But when a comedy fails in its mission, it’s usually just boring and sad.

The Chaperone (2011) is supposed to be funny, so in its failure, it’s really just depressing.

We open on convicted getaway driver Ray Ray Bradstone (Triple H) on the day that he’s released from a 7-year prison term. (If you guessed that having all the characters call him "Ray Ray" for an hour and 45 minutes might get old, you are very correct. The fact that he constantly corrects everyone – "It’s just Ray now" – makes it even more irritating.) Ray is met on the outside by his old partner in crime, LaRue (Kevin Corrigan). They exchange witless banter for about two minutes before the newly reformed Ray, bent on flying right from here on out, steals LaRue’s car and abandons him.

Yep. This is our hero, guys.

Ray goes directly to the home of his ex-wife Lynne (Annabeth Gish) and daughter Sally (Ariel Winter) – yes, it’s 2011, and his 13 year old kid is named Sally. Because apparently it’s 1952 in this little corner of 2011.

Lynne and Sally aren’t happy to see him. They’ve moved on – Lynne has a new boyfriend, who is nerdy and balding, which means he’s obviously going to lose his woman to Ray later, because muscles/long hair. Sally is hurt that her father left her so long ago and tells him off. Ray squints slightly, which I guess is meant to convey his soul-crushing sorrow.

Sally is going on an overnight school field trip to New Orleans, and Ray wants to be a chaperone on the trip to get to know her better. Because this movie is essentially a ‘90s sitcom, it’s quickly established that everything hinges on this school trip and on getting her to trust and like him again in 24 hours. Because that’s how the world works. Just rush in there and demand your daughter’s love, big man.

Ray has learned at the feet of a guru during his stay in prison: a radio talk show host who gives people life advice. He’s been calling in to her show for years, and her zen approach to problems has changed him into a peaceful, gigantic fortune cookie. He’s constantly telling everyone to face their problems, be truthful, and move on, or something.

Ray has a hard time getting work, in part because he’s an ex-con (which is sympathetic) and in part because he picks on his would-be boss during an interview to work at a vegetarian restaurant (less sympathetic). Safe in the knowledge that he’s too manly to sell vegetables, Ray goes back to his shabby apartment, only to find that the building is on fire. He makes his not-smiling face, demonstrating his emotional turmoil, and remarks that he has nothing left in the world.

So he goes back to LaRue to get involved in a robbery and make some money again. I briefly felt bad for him; trying to go straight and earn a second chance after prison, that could be interesting and moving material – you know, like it was in his other WWE Studios movie, Inside Out. Sadly, this movie has never met that movie, so instead we get Ray sitting in the getaway car while his three partners go into a bank to conduct a loud, buffoonish robbery.

As Ray is sitting in the car waiting to help his friends escape, he looks up and sees the bus for Sally’s field trip. Because naturally, it’s parked right across from him. He suddenly realizes he doesn’t want to be a robber any more again, so he hops out of the car, throws away the keys so his partners will get caught, and runs over to the bus. He hops aboard, and the teacher in charge, Miss Miller (Yeardley Smith), cheerfully accepts this luggage-free mystery father, whom she’s only met once and hasn’t background checked, to go on an overnight field trip with a bunch of 13 year olds.

Larue and the others emerge with a duffle full of cash and realize (after way too many awkward moments sitting in the car and not turning their heads toward the driver’s seat) that Ray is gone. They run, and one manages to get himself hit by a squad car and is taken to the hospital, while Larue and Goldy (Kevin Rankin, vying for "Most Irritating Performance by a Supporting Actor) steal a car and escape. (When they steal a car, it’s mean and bad and scary. When Ray did it before, it was hilarious. Or something.)

Larue and Goldy spot Ray on the school bus when everyone is at a stoplight, because of course they do. They give chase, but the movie needs to slow them down, so they get in an accident – with a diaper truck. A. Diaper. Truck. You know, a truck full of dirty cloth diapers on their way to be cleaned. Like you see every day on the streets of your hometown, because it’s 1952. This is of course an excuse for the bad guys to have a pile of dirty diapers land on their heads because they’re driving a convertible. They then steal the diaper truck and continue their escape, making it all the way to New Orleans without any police noticing that, hey, that’s the stolen diaper truck from before!

Meanwhile, on the bus, a couple junior high girls murmur to each other that Ray is hot, which is awkward on so many levels. He tries to talk to Sally, who quite reasonably points out that she already told him she doesn’t want to reconnect, and so his creepily chasing her to New Orleans is not going to change anything. I would be on Team Sally here, if I weren’t already on Team Why Did They Make This Movie.

The kids are rowdy and loud, and someone hits Ray with a spitball, so he yells at the driver to pull the bus over, and he gives a yelling, threatening speech to the kids. They quiet down immediately, but Miss Miller is unhappy with Ray’s approach and gently tells him that you can’t yell at kids because their parents will sue the school. A couple of the kids gripe about Sally’s weirdo dad, while a couple others murmur in approval of his no-nonsense leadership skills.

They arrive in New Orleans and go to the natural history museum, where it turns out their tour guide called in sick, and the museum has absolutely no idea what to do about it. But have no fear – Ray read a book about dinosaurs while he was in prison! The day is saved! He conducts the tour himself, and his knowledge of dinosaurs deeply impresses the remaining unbelievers, and after that, he is universally beloved by the kids.

That actually happens.

We get some tepid attempts at teen romance between Sally and her crush. We see Sally fail to communicate to her mother – due to background noise on the phone – that her father is on the trip. I guess they don’t have a texting package. We meet various quirky, "interesting" 13 year olds, like the one who smuggled in firecrackers and can quote Sun Tzu in any situation. (Sure, movie. Sure.) There’s also a computer nerd kid and a vapid pretty girl who is going to sneak out and get collagen injections in her lips. You know, like we all did on field trips at age 13.

Ray uses his talk show lady wisdom to help the other two teachers on the trip connect romantically. He pesters his kid about reconnecting. Finally, for no clear reason, she accepts, and they go out and eat French fries (just fries, for some reason) and talk about life and Frank Sinatra.

Larue and Goldy show up, and they exchange threats with Ray. Sally, on her way back into the hotel, sees her father on the evening news, wanted by the police, and immediately hates him again. When they reconnect, she tells him what she learned. He tells her – get this – that he didn’t really do anything wrong, because all he did was drive the car to the robbery and then changed his mind. I don’t think that will hold up in court, buddy.

Sally yells at him a bit, then decides he’s great and she believes in him. Her loving, protective father sends her to pick up the bag with the stolen money in it so he can return it to Larue and get him out of their lives. There’s random action that I wasn’t paying attention to, and then Sally gets kidnapped by the bad guys.

When Ray goes to get her, he gives the bad guys a bag filled with towels instead of money, and he’s captured, while Sally gets away. Back at the hotel, she teams up with the only other kids in the movie who have had any lines, and they use firecrackers to set a diversion and escape the adults. And then… 13 year old Sally safely drives a tour bus across town, without anyone noticing or stopping her.

This movie has clearly given up on itself.

The kiddie gang arrives at the abandoned warehouse where Ray is being held. For some reason, they’ve been joined by the annoying rich girl, who has gotten her collagen injection – except it went wrong, and her lips are cartoonishly puffy. Ha-ha! She deserves to be disfigured because she wanted to be beautiful! Childhood facial injuries are hilarious!

Ray explains to the bad guys again that he had nothing to do with the robbery, other than driving them to it, which totally doesn’t count. He’s managed to hit a button on his phone, and the whole thing is broadcast on the radio lady’s program. The firecracker kid scares the bad guys with firecrackers, and the kids and Ray subdue the criminals.

In the closing scenes, we learn some important life lessons:

- Deep relationship problems can be solved in a day if you go on an adventure together.

- If you drive robbers to a robbery and then decide to bail, you didn’t really do anything illegal.

- It doesn’t matter if you’ve only had five minutes of screen time – if you have been presented as Ray’s former love, you WILL come back to him at the end. Because the big muscly guy always gets everything.

In the final scene, Ray now has his own radio advice show. He receives a call from Larue, who is chastened and sorrowful in prison and is reaching out for advice on how to cope, as another prisoner leans over his shoulder, staring at him and making kissing sounds, because ha-ha, sexual assault threats are a laugh riot!

And our hero, our sterling example of a man who learned from his mistakes and turned his life around, laughs at Larue and tells him to eff off.

And there we have it. A light-hearted comedy for the whole family to enjoy. If your family hates themselves.

Previous reviews:

12 Rounds

12 Rounds 2: Reloaded

Christmas Bounty

Inside Out

Knucklehead

Queens of the Ring

The Reunion

That's What I Am

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.