FanPost

Your Now Occasional Reminder as to How Much Worse the WWE Could Be: TLC PPV, Royal Rumble Buildup

Ah, it's good to write one of these again. School is hard, you guys. Even harder when you spend 3 hours every Monday watching wrestling, but nevertheless, it's hard. With WWE's main roster producing pretty weak content on a weekly basis, it's probably a good time to give a reminder that it could be worse (although, NXT is definitely showing that it could be better, too).

Still, let's rewind to right after Survivor Series; the TLC Match Card is as follows:

A.J. vs. Somebody

Sting vs. Bull Dempsey, (Babyface) C.J. Parker, and Mojo Rawley 3-1 handicap match

Dean Ambrose vs. The Wyatt Family, 3 – 1 handicap match

John Cena vs. Seth Rollins & J.J Security, 3 – 1 handicap match

Dolph Ziggler vs. Kane, Triple H, Curtis Axel, 3 – 1 handicap match

Rusev vs. Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, Big Show, 3 – 1 handicap match

The Usos vs. Miz and Mizdow

At least it improved on their 2013 TLC Card, because a TABLES, LADDERS, AND CHAIRS event wouldn't be complete without 5 three-on-one handicap matches.

So let's see how we got here.

#MatchBye

Tired of seeing 3-minute singles matches for the Divas title on PPV? WWE decides it's finally time for the Divas on the main roster to show what they can do, so they book Cameron vs. AJ for the Divas title in a stretcher match for the TLC PPV. The match goes swimmingly until Cameron puts AJ onto the stretcher, then loudly asks the referee to "count it". The referee doesn't comply, leaving Cameron befuddled; she then begins a gimmick where she goes on a journey to find the true meaning of "count it".

The Future Starts Now

Capitalizing on the success of Survivor Series, WWE decides that they would start listening to their fans, and stop pushing the stars of yesterday in favor of creating new stars today. So, they book Sting to lose in a squash in his first match at TLC against the best that NXT has to offer; Bull Dempsey, (babyface) C.J. Parker, and of course, Mojo Rawley. After the match, Sting and the team have a show of respect, and he passes on to Mojo the moniker of "the Icon".

United We Stand

WWE knows the meaning of babyface super well guys, so instead of finding just one of the guys Rusev has previously beaten to face him again, why not just use all 3? To make Swagger, Big Show, and Henry look even more sympathetic, they come to the ring all brandishing chairs. And to make them look like the most sympathetic people to ever roam the Earth, they immediately start whacking Rusev as soon as the bell rings, causing an immediate disqualification, while the announce team puts them over for uniting against evil. They beat him to a pulp, and we later get an update that an AMERICAN hospital is honorably caring for the evil-doer.

Doppelganger

To find the stipulation for the Ambrose vs. Wyatt match, the WWE puts out an app vote. The choices are as follows:

-EXTREME RULES MATCH

-MATCH WHERE RULES ARE EXTREME MATCH

-NOT A MATCH WHERE THE RULES ARE NOT EXTREME MATCH

Following up, the WWE puts out a separate app vote for the number of people Wyatt will have to face in that match.

- 3 ON 1 HANDICAP MATCH

- THE RATIO OF 3627 AND 1209 REDUCED TO IT'S LOWEST REDUCED FORM TO CREATE THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON WYATT'S TEAM IN RELATION TO THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON AMBROSE'S TEAM HANDICAP MATCH

- THE RESULT OF THE INTEGRAL OF THE FUNCTION X SQUARED FROM 1 TO 2 INTEGRATED WITH RESPECT TO X ADDED TO TWO-THIRDS ON THE NUMBER THAT MUST BE THE VALUE OF THE FIRST NON-ZERO ENTRY IN A REDUCED ECHELON FORM MATRIX HANDICAP MATCH

Given the age demographic of wrestling, the 2nd option wins, as many that view it think they'll be treated to a match with around 5,000 people in it.

You may be wondering too why Dean has to face the Wyatts after they've broken up; well, on the Smackdown before TLC, they aired a vignette showing Harper and Rowan returning to Bray Wyatt. Halfway through the match, Harper and Rowan walk out and the Wyatt family re-breaks up with no prior indications of tension. Ambrose still loses because he got in a vicious fight against the ring apron, allowing Wyatt to take advantage and pick up the win.

Boil Him, Mash Him, Stick Him in a Stew

Capitalizing on his huge Survivor Series performance, WWE finds that the next logical step in making Dolph Ziggler a top babyface is to make him as sympathetic as possible to the fans. So, they have Kane and Triple H mercilessly maul him for making him lose their jobs. Curtis Axel is just their for flavor, like a bouillon cube. Curtis Axel is a bouillon cube. The finish comes when Triple H pedigrees Ziggler off the top of Quicken Loans Arena which means we've had more "pedigrees off of Basketball Arenas" than "ladders + tables used" at the TLC PPV.

In a brief intermission while Ziggler is being peeled off the ground and put on a stretcher, Roman Reigns is shown walking around backstage, and Cleveland Cavaliers' executives are shown arriving and offering 2 first-round-draft picks in like 2024 and 2027 for Reigns (I shouldn't cross-over references of different sports, but Timofey Mozgov isn't worth 2 first-rounders, no matter how big of a push you're trying to make this year). Roman's Response:

"BEING A FOURS ON THE INTERIOR? NOW THAT'S MAKING AN TNA IMPACT. NOW I'M BEING THE FIRST MAN TO DEC-DECAGON AT THE ROYAL NBA MATCH IN 2015. YOU THINK I DID SLAM-JAMMAGE LAST YEAR? JUST WAIT AND C++ WHAT I DO THIS YEAR"

Ziggler sells his promo by convulsing on the stretcher he was put on.

Stunt Doublin'

Miz & Mizdow vs. Usos is the only non 3-on-1 match non-divas match because of course it is. But WWE fears Mizdow's popularity is getting too great, so they book a break-up here and have it be a 3-on-1 handicap match. All 3 mercilessly beat down Mizdow while the announce team puts over the Usos as being accepting of a new person.

3-on-Cena

John Cena vs. Rolins and J.J. Security would be a squash, but in order to make sure that Cena looks like the tp guy he is after a lackuster Survivor Series showing, the match includes 50 ref bumps, the last of which culminates in a ref getting hit with a urb-stomp, thn Cena hitting Rollis with an AA, nd then Cena going down for a pin for 5 minutes until the ref is revived, and still getting the 3 count on Rollins. ho knew Frema's Carries are so dangerou?

Also, for fun, all the typos in the last paragraph are intentional. My word processor no-sold my Cena paragraph and so if you write out all the missing letters it'll spell a message.

I'm Sure They'll Work It Out

On the RAW after TLC, the 3 Wyatts have a triple-threat match to find the number one contender for the IC title with no buildup. Halfway through the match Harper walks out and reveals that he is going after his true life ambition of being an optometrist. Rowan then at 3/4ths of the way through the match becomes enraged and begins asking Wyatt where the drugs are going. Then, right before the finish, Wyatt begins repeatedly throwing himself into the 300-pound ring stairs. Wyatt loses, and the following week comes out with the Shield's entrance music and wearing a flak jacket while saying "the devil made me do it". Rowan is seen later in the week at a CZW show. He then reappears on RAW the next week wearing a shirt saying "Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit". He then comes to the ring on a scooter wearing a Pokemon T-Shirt. None of this is explained.

The announce team, however, puts over the Wyatts as being "mysterious and unpredictable"

Meanwhile, Dean Ambrose begins a feud which will lead to a handicap match at Wrestlemania where he will face a cardboard box, a butter knife, and a Wiimote.

RUSEV! CRUSHHHHEED!

Rusev comes back in a wheelchair the next night on Raw and announces that he is confined to a wheelchair for the next 3-months due to the injuries he suffered at TLC. He then begins crying and explains that professional wrestling was a way for him to send money back to his sick parents in Russia so they could have the necessary treatment they needed, but that without a functional body, he cannot compete.

The announce team berates Rusev for acting all tough but not actually being tough.

Big Show gets on the titantron and explains that only sissies cry and that he will not have to worry about not getting a paycheck because despite being wheelchair confined, he has a 3-on-1 rematch against Henry, Swagger and Show at the Royal Rumble.

The announce team puts over the group for giving Rusev a chance to earn a paycheck.

Lastly, for no good reason before the Rumble, the group finds Rusev backstage and beats the Caviar out of him with chairs.

The announce team puts over the group for pre-emptively stopping an evil-doer.

The lights then go out, and Erick Rowan appears out of nowhere, kidnapping Rusev while holding him like a cat, and walking him into a freezer.

Me Against the World

Due to WWE thinking the PPV era is dead, John Cena wins the WWE WHC at the RAW before the Royal Rumble with help from the optometrist Luke Harper, who gives Brock Lesnar enough information about glaucoma to allow Cena to hit a gentle toss from the fireman's carry position and win.

After winning the title, though, his record tying 16th, Cena immediately vacates it to the opponent he deems most deserving of the title – the WWE Universe.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, YOUR WINNER AND NEEWWWWW WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, THE WWE YOOOOO-NIVERSE!

It'll grow on you.

At least it would, but Cena immediately cashes in his rematch clause against the WWE Universe. He grabs a mic and immediately puts the WWE Universe in a metaphorical STF by pandering to them about how much they've meant to him through the years and how no matter how much they boo, they are the reason he's still doing what he's doing. Hand-slapping sounds reverberate around the globe as the WWE Universe almost immediately taps out. So yeah, John Cena is no longer just defeating the guys you like, he's defeating YOU, too.

The worst part of all of this?

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, YOUR WINNER AND NOW RECORD-BREAKING 17 TIME CHAMPION...

JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHNNN

CEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENA

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.