FanPost

A guide to drinking during the Royal Rumble

WWE.com

We are heading toward a truly unpredictable Royal Rumble. Thanks to injuries that kept top stars off television for months, a part-time champion, horrible mid-card and lower-card booking, and cluster-fucked, albeit sometimes intriguing, main event booking, WWE programming has been incredibly unstable since Summerslam. The events from the past four months will reach a crescendo tomorrow night on the WWE Network, and because of the recent instability, it's impossible to tell what will happen.

Last year's Rumble will forever live in infamy for how predictable it was, for how telegraphed it was, and for how stubborn WWE was despite what the crowd clearly wanted (and no, Vince, you do not listen to crowd reactions, no matter what you say to Stone Cold Steve Austin). But, with the triumphant return of Daniel Bryan, the dialectical demise of WWE's determined next demigod, Roman Reigns, the expiring contract of Brock Lesnar, the rise of the Money in the Bank briefcase having Seth Rollins, the poor leadership skills of John Cena, the return of the "fired" Dolph Ziggler, the unknown health of the Undertaker and how it affects Bray Wyatt, the justice-seeking Sting lurking in the background, and the possible returns from injury of Randy Orton and Sheamus, this year's Rumble's results are anything but telegraphed. By the end of tomorrow night, we could be reveling in what will be a unique but star-studded Road to Wrestlemania, or we could be lamenting the fact that we ever put faith in the aging, out-of-touch Vince McMahon to create compelling content when it really counts.

So, to help with the anxiety this year's Rumble is producing, as this writer's first foray as a Cagesider, I've decided to provide all Cagesiders with drinking-game options for tomorrow night that will send each and every one of us into self-deprecating debauchery regardless of the night's outcomes.

First, some ground rules, outside of the obvious that you should not ever drink and drive:

First rule: Do not take shots. You will get fucked up beyond belief. Yes, we want to drink and have fun, but I'm not trying to encourage anyone into alcohol poisoning here. Use light beer or mixed drinks. Bottom shelf whiskey and coke would be a good choice.

Second rule: Do not begin drinking until either the triple threat title match or the Rumble itself begins, whichever comes first. The drinking game itself only has to do with the Rumble match; however, I recommend drinking during the title match regardless of whether it's the main event or the semi-main. If Cena wins said match, I recommend running out of your house and smashing whatever bottle of liquor you were drinking over your head to put you out of your misery while refraining from getting any blood on your carpet, couch, recliner, or hardwood floor. I digress; this is a two-match card. If you start drinking early in the night, the general shittyness of the booking, announcing, and, in some cases, wrestling will make you want to drink heavily once you've started down that rabbit hole. You'll pass out before the real events happen.

Third rule: In fact, don't even log on to the Network until 9 ET/6 PT. I can guarantee you won't miss anything.

Once the real action begins, it's time to start drinking...here are the possibilities, guaranteed to enhance your viewing experience no matter how great or how depressing the show turns out:

1.) Drink every time a wrestler is nearly eliminated: This is different than the usual drink for every entrance or drink for every elimination. That's not creative enough. A wrestler must be on the apron or dangling from the top rope with their entire body outside the ring. You'll be surprised how many times this actually happens, and drinking for this scenario alone will get you drunk.

2.) Drink for every elimination Roman Reigns records: If Reigns doesn't win, they will have him break his record from last year. Here's hoping he doesn't win and this is the route they go.

3.) Drink for every surprise entrant: As of this writing, there are only 17 confirmed entrants in the Rumble. Justin Gabriel and Los Matadores were removed earlier today, so this could be a Rumble heavy on surprises. RVD, Jericho, Tommy Dreamer, other ECW greats since they're in Philly...these are all possibilities. And yes, Orton and Sheamus count as surprises. Drink five times if the rumor comes true about DDP.

4.) Drink the amount of wrestlers it takes to eliminate Big Show: Will Big Show eliminate Roman Reigns to continue their feud? Or will Reigns eliminate Big Show all by himself as a way of "ending" their "feud"? If Big Show ends up eliminating Reigns through some form of heeling, you can be sure it will take a gang of men to eliminate Show, keeping his big-man mystique in tact for the continuation of the Reigns feud. So, however many men it takes, that's how many drinks you take. That's sure to get you a buzz, at least.

5.) Drinking game #4 also applies to Kane: Everything I just wrote about Big Show and Reigns could conceivably happen with Daniel Bryan and Kane. If it does, follow the same rules here.

6.) Drink for every time Dolph Ziggler is nearly eliminated: I did this during the 2013 Rumble and nearly puked.

7.) Drink for every time Michael Cole feigns excitement by exclaiming the same word in succession three times: Cole has this habit when something unbelievable or exciting is going happen or has happened. Before the event occurs, he will exclaim the same word three times in a row, "Guys! Guys! Guys!" Or "Look! Look! Look!" Or, after the exciting event has happened, he will exclaim that wrestler's name, "Bryan! Bryan! Bryan!" It's like Cole doesn't possess the verbal dexterity to accurately describe the event with verbs and adjectives a la Jim Ross (i.e. "As God as my witness, he's broken in half"; Cole would've called this by saying, "Guys! Guys! Guys!" "Taker! Taker! Taker!"), so he settles for this sorry excuse for announcing. Either that or he's just trying to get JBL and Lawler's attention because they never seem to pay attention to what's happening in the ring. Either way, if you pay attention to this and drink for every time he does it, you will have no trouble falling asleep later. This applies to the WWE title match as well.

8.) Drink once when Mizdow is eliminated, then drink again because you are your own stunt double: This is actually one of the more intriguing parts of this year's Rumble. Will Mizdow eliminate himself after Miz is eliminated, remaining true to their stunt double agreement? Will he mimmick Miz being eliminated then stop his mimicking and help eliminate Miz? Something glorious will happen with Mizdow, and it will require two drinks.

9.) Drink four times once the final four is reached: There are many combinations that could end up being the final four: Bryan, Ziggler, Wyatt, Reigns; Bryan, Wyatt, Ambrose, Reigns; Bryan, Kane, Big Show, Reigns; Bryan, Orton, Sheamus, Reigns; Bryan, Rusev, Ryback, Reigns...the list goes on. But the commonality is that Bryan and Reigns are the closest thing to a guarantee of being in the final four. If Bryan is eliminated before that point, the crowd will turn on Reigns the longer he remains. If Bryan is eliminated in the final four and Reigns remains, well, the Philly crowd will turn on Reigns. You know what, Reigns is fucked here no matter what. Here's to hoping Vince learned his lesson from last year about shoving a wrestler many don't want to win down our throats. Of course, if he didn't learn that lesson, then...

10.) If Roman Reigns is standing tall at the end of the night, drink for every minute that Rumble lasted and wasted your life, then call in sick for the week at work, spend the next five days surfing message boards, dirt sheets, and blogs for any indication that the WWE realizes it made a mistake and will be changing course to insert Daniel Bryan into the main event at WM31 to avert disaster: The Philly fans will fucking riot if Reigns wins. In fact, once again, all signs point to Daniel Bryan being the guy that would send everyone home happy. Dolph Ziggler and Dean Ambrose would be consolation prizes, but anyone else would greatly disappoint. Of all the combos for a WM31 WWE Title match, Bryan/Lesnar seems to be the money match. The Authority can turn its attention to Sting, Roman Reigns, and Dean Ambrose, and leave Daniel Bryan and Lesnar on its own. Of course, that seems too simple a story to tell for Vince McMahon...so...I really wouldn't be surprised if Big Show somehow WMDs everyone and the show just ends like Battleground 2013. In any case, drink heavily, don't drive, and sleep in on Monday. You'll either wake up hungover and refreshed or hungover and depressed on the Road to Wrestlemania 31.

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.