FanPost

Money In The Bank 2014: A Liveblog/Review

Warning: the following liveblog/review was written by Arai in a number of varying states of intoxication; therefore, it makes almost no sense. It contains Arai's extremely subjective opinions, some very NSFW jokes, a number of references that nobody else will get, random shifts from past to present tense and back again, considerably more swearing than necessary, and quite a lot of statements that have little to no context behind them. Read at your own risk.

Hey, all. So, for those of you who are new to this weird thing, a few weeks ago, I went to the WWE house show in Sydney. Afterwards, I proceeded to get slightly hammered and wrote a very cynical review which a lot of people thought was funny.

The next day, I was shopping with Matilda and we came across a number of WWE DVDs. I had no idea you could get WWE DVDs here, so I bought the MITB 2014 DVD on the basis that it seemed like a good idea at the time. When I asked about it later, numerous people said they’d read a review of it even though we all know what happened already, so here I am.

Now, for the record, my original plan was to do what I did with the Sydney house show: watch the show sober, then get mildly hammered and write up the review. (For the record, I don’t have cable, nor do I have the Network (and getting it is not an option for me, sadly), so I hadn’t seen the PPV in full before watching the DVD.)

Yeah, that didn’t work. It took me about three weeks to get through one three-hour DVD, though admittedly, it’s not like I try getting drunk every night. This review was written in bits and pieces at varying levels of intoxication, for the record, so it should be… pretty interesting, to say the least. Also, the tenses are going to switch around a fair bit, and a lot of this is going to be very nonsensical.

Welp. On with the dance, let joy be unconfined. (Sorry, Lord Byron.)

So to start us off on the magical mystery tour that is the DVD, we get a thirty-second unskippable PSA that amounts to ‘These people do amazing stunts, but they’re trained athletes and you’re not, so for fuck’s sake, don’t risk your stupid neck by doing this shit. There, we’ve done enough so we’re not legally liable if you break something imitating them, so can we shut up now?’

Please do.

OK, this theme song is stupid. It’s just ‘money money money’ over and over again, what the fuck? And of course, it plays over and over and over again on every goddamn menu screen.

But I digress. Alright, now for the show!

Yay.

Then. Now. Forever. Wank job.

I’m noting a sad lack of women in this slideshow. Booooo. Fuck you, Dunn.

We start with a really dramatic shot of an arena with a bunch of ladders set up near the stage. It’s got overly sombre music, too. Ooooh. I’m so scared. *waves hands vaguely*

The climb. Rung by rung. Step by step. Where fear must be secondary. Where risk leads to reward. And the only way to greatness… is up.

Oh my fucking God, you are such a wanker, whoever you are. Seriously, could you be taking yourself any more seriously? God, take your hand off your dick and stop doing so much coke.

Self-Important Voiceover Wank Douche talks about how the climb is more crucial than ever, and then we get a recap of Kane fucking up Bryan and Stephanie’s voiceover telling us that we’ll have a championship ladder match for the first. Time. Ever.

Oooooooooh. I am so stunned. Seriously, I’m doing the Home Alone face right now, you know the one.

SIVWD wanks on for a bit, and then there’s a montage of EXPLICITLADDERVIOLENCE. SIVWD wanks about the contract match, and I find it rather suspicious that Rollins was the first person shown.

OK, they had Rollins with the briefcase on the goddamn cover, so I guess it’s not that surprising. They also had Cena with the titles, and Reigns just standing there, for some reason. Not sure why. But I feel sorry for anyone who bought the DVD who didn't already know who won (there had to be at least one person). That had to suck.

(Was this intro in the show when it was first broadcast? Just wondering.)

Anyway, we get a quick look at all the entrants, and then another voiceover explains what the briefcase is and how it works while we get a montage of previous winners with their briefcases.

Then SIVWD goes on a typical monologue about how it’s going to be dangerous, and we get a bunch of the various entrants doing damage to others and talking about how they’ll win, no shit, really, they’re definitely going to beat all the others who are saying the exact same thing. *facepalm*

Oh, and the bits focusing on Rollins and Cena are suspiciously long. Way to give it away there, douchefuckers. (Assuming this intro was in the PPV.)

Finally, finally, the intro ends. The theme song is still stupid. Lots of big flashy fireworks, and I am not awed by any means.

To amuse myself, I am now imagining that the theme song is being sung by the evil puppet from Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared. You’re welcome.


First match: The Usos vs the Wyatts for the tag-team championships

Oh, great, we’re starting off with the bland twins. I’m bored already.

Le sigh.

Oh, and they’re doing their moronic ‘When we say Uce, you say Oh!’ chant. What’s next, ‘We got spirit, yes we do’? Maybe Nicky could help you out with that one, I’m sure he’d love to. That being said, I’ll concede that their theme song is actually not bad.

So the Bland-O’s posture and pose like the Breeze wannabes they are, I get bored, and our commentary team of fucking morons starts rambling as per fucking usual. Also, Jerry Lawler is a fucking creep and I want to run like hell whenever I see his face.

(OK, let me just say- unless you like sparkling apple juice, which I don’t, for fuck’s sake don’t put vodka in apple juice. That is just a bad idea. Unfortunately, I don’t have that much vodka, so I’ll have to drink this.)

Oooh, we have a Spanish announce team. Their table will get wrecked. I’m counting on it. And now we get our first commentary fuckup: "Time to show what being an Uso is all about!" It means 'brother', you fucking idiot. Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh thank fuck, the Wyatts are here. Save me. Anyway, Harper has very good crazy eyes. Rowan’s mask is going to collapse into a little pile of shredded plastic if he’s not careful. So we flashback to their feud in the past. Is it just me, or does Rowan have a fuckload of scars on his forehead?

Fuckup number two: "Jey proved the Usos belong"- no one was disputing that, you fuckwit! Seriously!

Finally, finally, we get to the match. And again, I’m not good with the moves, so don’t expect much detail.

We begin with Harper and one of the Bland-O’s tussling. The Bland-O’s get a bit of an edge, but Harper proves that while he might be big, he’s no glacier. He and Rowan fuck up a Bland-O for a while, and Harper’s doing this weird staring-into-space thing, like he’s seeing things we can’t. I like it. Also, Cole, did you seriously just fucking explain that MITB stands for Money In The Bank? How fucking stupid do you think we are?

Ooooh, one of the Bland-O’s climbed on the barricade. Big fuckin’ deal. Rollins jumping off the Titantron at Payback? That was a big deal. This bullshit? Pfft. Boring. Rowan pushes a Bland-O off the apron. This, I like.

(I swear, Rowan’s beard is going to fall off and mutate into a big fluffy ginger kitten that follows Bray around and tries to claw out his opponents’ eyes. No, I’m not that drunk, shut up.)

Harper just stepped on a Bland-O’s head. Awesome. Fuckup number three: "Luke Harper is a strange dude"- no fuckin’ shit, you moron. Harper does his weird yodelling thing. It’s cool.

(Hey, maybe if Rowan and Harper beat up this Bland-O enough, they might beat a personality into him. God knows he’s fucked otherwise.)

OK, Rowan looks like he’s trying to snap the Bland-O’s neck. Might be going a bit far there. Fuckup number four: "Harper and Rowan could win the tag team titles and Bray could win the Intercontinental Title"- silly Cole, nobody in the Family is allowed to be a champion. Haven’t you been paying attention?

"UCE!" "OH!" "UCE!" "OH!" Fuck. You. Fuck. You.

Fuckface McBland-O is looking around like he can’t believe the match is still on. Fuck off. Oh, and now he looks like his puppy just died. Meh. Fuckup number five: "USO CRAZY!"- Cole, fuck off and die already. Please. Crowd’s chanting "Let’s go, Uso!" "Let’s go, Wyatt!" Huh. New ‘Let’s go, Cena!’ ‘Cena sucks!’?

"THIS IS AWESOME!" chant. No, it isn’t. It’s boring. Then again, anything with the Bland-O’s is boring. This match feels like it’s gone on for hours. I am bored and I just want this to be over already.

Result: Bland-O’s win. Don’t care. That went on way too fucking long and the Wyatts should have won.

Fuck you, WWE.

Where this match went right: *shrug * Shit, man, why are you asking me?

OK, OK, I guess it was fun watching Harper and Rowan beating up the Bland-O’s? Maybe?

Where this match went wrong: It was way too long. Harper and Rowan should have won. And the Bland-O’s do not have enough personality to carry a match like this.

Lawler is still fucking creepy. Cole starts talking about the Shield, and we get a flashback to Rollins with his chair. Then we cut to the Raw before, where Ambrose fucked up Rollins before he could win.

Cut to Ambrose doing his promo. This is nice. He’s nice. He’s cuddly.

I’m kinda drunk. Sorry.

"Case… or face?" I hear the call of the VAPORS… and honestly, Dean calls Triple H ‘Daddy’, I hear ‘Sugar daddy’. I think there’s fic of that… no, I’m not linking it. Go find it yourself.

Second match: Paige vs Naomi for the Divas Championship

The Funkadactyls did have a good theme, admittedly. But neither of them look good in that shade of pink. Bad idea. And that thing they do on the ropes seriously looks like they’re saying ‘We have huge arses, look’. Ugh. No. Fuck you both. And fuck Kevin Dunn, just on general principle.

Flashback to Naomi beating Paige. Whatever. Don’t care.

Paige, I swear to God you get hotter every time I see you. Or that might be the vodka talking. Also, that scream was silent, da fuq?

So Paige and Naomi tussle. Bored. Want more Paige without Naomi. And the commentary team can go fuck themselves, seriously. We need people who aren’t complete hacks.

Paige, you appear to have missed the memo: you’re supposed to put people over when you’re leaving, not when you’re in a championship match. And now it’s time for fuckup number six: How exactly would Paige tap out if Naomi’s holding her hands?

Cameron needs to fuck off already. Ugh. And- ooooh, that looks like a major botch.

We will fight them on the botches, lol!

…yeah, nobody’s going to get that reference. *looks at the, like, three other Australians at Cageside * Please say one of you got that reference…

Paige, you need to dye your hair dark purple. Because reasons. And vodka. I like the dk. It’s good. Like the way the letters get back to back, like they’re in a shootout. Sorry. I’m rambling.

Anyway, back to the match: I’ll concede that Naomi’s good at acrobatics, but that doesn’t make her a real character. Also, did Naomi just seriously attack Paige with her arse? Is that a thing that happened? That’s just wrong. No. Ugh.

Sir Mix-A-Lot, shut up.

Total Divas can go fuck itself with a cactus made of broken glass, swear to God. And Paige looked like Sweet Saraya’s clone for a second.

Result: Paige wins, and WWE looks ever more racist.

Seriously, am I the only person who noticed that every feud Paige has had since she reached the main roster has been with a POC? And she won all of them. Except AJ, the second time. I know it’s not intentional, but Jesus Christ, WWE.

That scream was silent as well. Paige, you can do better than that. Also, you seem to have some self-worth: don’t covet that fucking junk shop toy of a title belt. Ugh.

Where this match went right: Paige and Naomi aren’t bad workers, to be fair.

Where it went wrong: Even if I did watch Total Divas, it wouldn’t make me care enough about Naomi that this match would actually be interesting. Every match Paige had since she reached the main roster and before AJ came back followed the same format, so it was obvious that Paige would win. In other words, I had absolutely no reason to give a fuck, and as my stash of fucks has been pretty low lately, I didn't. And sadly, no, Paige alone is not enough to make a match for me.


Cut to our extra-special commentary team: Renee (yay!), Booker T (meh), Alex Riley (shrug) and Christian (oh, Daddy).

Uh… yeah. About that last one… I have friends, and they tell me things… I’ll stop there.

Anyway, have some randomly thrown-together observations:

Booker, your hair looks ridiculous.

I love Christian’s expression, like ‘Who the fuck let this guy talk?’

Christian, don’t use hair gel. You look wrong.

Alex, you are not Brad Maddox. Stop trying to be beautiful.

This voiceover douche is a fuckwit.

Aaaaand back to the show.

Third Match: Adam Rose vs Damien Sandow

Sandow, what the fucking fuck are you doing? If you want to be Paul Revere, take off your hat and make some silver, you shithead.

God, I’m a better bunny than that suited douche. And Cole, please shut the fuck up.

Adam, if you want to be Russell Brand, you need to do more coke. And man, he is pretty with his shirt off.

Dude. Is Sandow ramming his head into Adam’s crotch? Like… whoa, dude. There are kids in the audience.

Fuckup number whatever: ‘Decimate’ means to reduce by a tenth, you fucking idiot. Maybe I’ll decimate your fingers, see if you get the point then.

Sandow, you’re not funny and nobody likes you.

Also, this match is basically pointless.

Result: Why did it take Rose’s music so long to play?

I kind of get the feeling that Paul Revere is spinning in his grave. What’s left of him, anyway. You know what I mean.

What they did right: It was OK… I guess… Yay, Adam?

What they did wrong: Did they have to use Paul Revere? Really?

OK, so the commentators bitch about Rose and the totally-not-a-brothel (aka the Exotic Express) and then start talking about the ladder match and Bad News Barrett. There’s also something about Jon Stewart, but I don’t really care. (I don’t watch his show.)

Fourth match: Seth Rollins vs Dean Ambrose vs Jack Swagger vs Kofi Kingston vs Rob Van Dam vs Dolph Ziggler and a partridge in a pear tree for the super awesome magical briefcase of doom

The commentators recap Ambrose's earlier promo, so now we get everyone else in the ladder match saying what they think.

First up, Seth Rollins. Seth, when you have something to say that I haven’t already heard, I’ll listen. Otherwise, go back to sucking off Triple H. And for fuck’s sake, whatever you’re doing to fuck up your hair like that, stop it. Now. And Seth… if all the plans are you winning the contract, then what, hypothetically, would have happened if you hadn’t won? Or was this meant to be a totally unsubtle way of telling us who was going to win?

Rob Van Dam: "It’s just a case of people overestimating their abilities"- yeah, I see what you did there. Fuck you too.

Kofi Kingston: Is it just me, or are your eyes bloodshot as hell? Seriously, I hope that’s just, like, a case of no sleep or something, and not a case of being drunk/stoned/hungover/staring at a computer screen for hours. That’s just a bad idea.

*looks over at her huge glass of vodka lemonade, then at her laptop * Shut up.

Dolph Ziggler: Ziggy! Good to see you! Comb that one strand of hair back, it’s annoying me.

Jack Swagger Zeb Coulter: Zeb, you do realise that there’s no evidence supporting the Betsy Ross story, right? And seriously, insulting Boston right after you invoke its history in order to provoke patriotism is not going to work. Also, Jack, fuck you on general principle.

So, the wrestlers- sorry, superstars, forgot how wanky that part is- are on their way out. First up, Seth Rollins, who looks like he’s part lizard in the fucking stupid outfit. Meh. And pounding your chest, Seth? Really? Dude. Meh. Boring.

OK, to the dudes with the signs: ‘I Paid To See Dolph Win’- no you fucking didn’t. You paid to see Dolph be in the match. That’s not how it fucking works, moron. And ‘Seth Can’t Mosh’? Really? This is a wrestling match, not a fucking metal gig.

Next up: Rob Van Dam, who should not be allowed to wear leotards or whatever the fuck they’re called. Just… no. Bad idea. Also, the intro to his theme is trippy as fuck.

Now it’s Swagger. Ugh. Enough said.

Ziggler: Look, I’m not saying that men can’t wear pink, but that shade looks terrible on you, especially combined with the blue font. Also, is Hollywood, Florida a real place?

*a minute of Wikipedia-ing later * Yes, it is, apparently. He’s billed from Florida, huh… yeah, that explains why he dated AJ.

If you don’t get that reference, then nyeh.

Kofi: God, I wish he’d win something. He rocks. Also, that ‘I Can Fly’ bit from his Titantron looks like a Hawlucha.

Yes, non-Pokemon fans, there is in fact a lucha Pokemon. Aren’t we lucky.

And finally, it’s Dean. God, he needs a moirail, stat.

Anyway. So instead of waiting for the match to officially begin, Ambrose decides to just charge in and fuck up Rollins. I approve of this.

I won’t transcribe most of this match, because otherwise this would be way too long. I will just give you my weird, nonsensical thoughts.

Am I the only person who wants to see a Kofi vs Adrian Neville match? Throw in Rollins and some ladders and you’d have a fucking awesome match right there.

Really? A tug-of-war with a ladder? Christ on a bike.

*watches Kofi fuck up Swagger and Van Dam * God, I wish he won this. Also, I have no idea what the crowd is saying. Damn them.

Fuckup number God knows what: No, Cole, Kofi cannot win that easily. That would be too simple. Don’t lampshade it, JBL.

Man, this Rollins and Ambrose thing with pulling each other down is like a really stupid dance. *a few seconds later * Wow, this is like the most homoerotic dance ever.

That seizing thing after the suplex onto the ladder is so overdone.

My desk is a desk. It’s very desk-y.

So I guess this match was meant to be like a giant fuck you to the WWE universe? Like, everyone’s beating up Rollins, but he still wins, you know?

I’d swear that the crowd is chanting ‘VCR!’ Except I don’t think Boston has that many retro fans, though of course I may be completely wrong. VCRs fucking sucked anyway. Seriously. They fucked up so easily and you got like one hour-long episode per tape. Fuck that noise.

Rob, do you have retrograde amnesia or something? Is that why you feel the need to affirm who you are and what your name is so often?

Ambrose got knocked off the apron. Methinks Theda should go help him up and give him hugs.

Rob, has nobody ever told you that generally the aim is to hurt the other guy, not you?

Somebody’s got a sign that says ‘His time is meow’. I know John Cena’s middle name is Felix, but still…

God, why not just use chloroform if you have to incapacitate everyone? And why won’t my head stay up?

That’s right, Jack, a real American beats up a black guy with a big heavy object. Well fucking done.

This is like the worst kinky three-way ever. And trust me, when it comes to bad kinky three-ways, I know my shit. (One word: Sherlock.)

Seriously, Swagger’s head is between RVD’s legs. Somebody ships it.

In unrelated news, can Swagger please just fuck off for good?

Ambrose just pulled an AJ. Not cool. When it comes to pushing people off ladders, AJ does it best.

Seth is really pretty…

Fuckup number meh: JBL, Cole, you guys don’t get to talk about the dangerousness when you’re condoning this shit. These guys make your paychecks. So shut up.

Dolph’s hair looks like noodles.

Result: Rollins wins. Meh. And besides, Kane didn’t screw Ambrose. Ambrose screwed Ambrose.

(Aside: JBL, please shut the fuck up.)

What they did right: Explicit ladder violence, hell yeah!

What they did wrong: Fuck you, Rollins.

Cut to Randy Orton. I can’t take him seriously because of that stupid pose he does. Silly Randy, you can’t win. Cena always wins. Also, you are overly redundant and it is annoying.



Fifth match: RybAxel vs Bad Country Music… otherwise known as the Rhodes Brothers.

Does anybody actually give a fuck about RybAxel? Just wondering.

Recap of Stardust’s creation. More LSD is needed. Man, it’s like a really shitty version of Power Rangers. *a minute later * OK, Stardust is admittedly kind of awesome.

Ryback, there are like ten guys on the roster who are bigger than you. Shut up.

(Aside: The commentary team are fuckwads.)

Seriously, RybAxel may be good in the ring, but they’re just a pair of jobbers nobody cares about.

Jerry, shut the fuck up, you creep. Seriously, I would pay everything I don’t own right now to get the World’s Sexiest Geek in to scream ‘I WILL SKULL-FUCK YOUR CORPSE!’ at the commentary team. Also, Cole, you’re not funny and nobody likes you.

Result: Bad Country Music wins.

Oooh, Axel’s a twat. What else is new?

What they did right: Stardust was fun.

What they did wrong: Boring.

Cut to the team talking about the Layla/Summer/Fanfuckass triangle.

Cut to the milk incident. Then cut to Layla’s revenge. Then cut to the thing with the totally-not-a-brothel, also known as the Exotic Express. Then cut to the clusterfuck with Fandangofuckyourself and Bo Dallas.

Fuck you, Dunn.

Layla, your accent is weird. Summer, for fuck’s sake, try wearing a shirt that qualifies as a shirt. Really? Competing based on boob size? Fuck you, Dunn. And besides, Summer, I don’t think yours are natural.

(Aside: Did you guys know there’s a Wikipedia-type site that revolves around tits? There is. I found it by accident (no, really). It said that Summer’s tits aren’t natural, and while given its nature, it’s hardly a trustworthy source, one would think that a website revolving around tits would generally know its stuff. No, I won’t link to it.)

Wow, Fandumbass did something I agree with. Cue the flying pigs. And ladies? Threesomes are a thing. Just saying.


Sixth match: Rusev vs Big E

Rusev needs his first name back, and Big E needs his last name back.

On an unrelated note, I think he’s damn lucky that his name doesn’t start with D. He’d be doomed.

Wait. Why is the announcer saying that Rusev’s weight is in kilos when everyone else uses pounds? *head tilt *

Lana kind of reminds me of my sister, except that my sister thinks Putin’s a fuckhead and would never play manager. She’d manage herself and do a damn good job of it, too.

Rusev’s theme sounds like it came out of a video game. And the tattoo on Rusev’s back looks cool.

I love how Lana looks like she can barely tolerate being in a stadium full of Americans. And OK, that big ‘SHUT UP!’ is definitely something my sister would do.

OK, I don’t know a lot about Russian accents, but Lana sounds like she’s doing a bad imitation on purpose while hammered. Is that just me? Also, seriously, do they have to push the whole ‘All Russians love Putin’ thing?

I miss the good old days of Big E, Ziggy and AJ. Even though they sound like a stoner band.

No offence, E, but you’re really fucking hilarious, so I find it really hard to take you seriously when you’re being serious. I mean, I saw that fine plate of kielbasa, and I like a man who likes his sausage.

I refuse to apologise for that last line.

OK, to the person with the sign that says ‘VLADAMIR PUTIN RULEZ’: Learn to spell, moron.

To be honest, I’m not really interested in this match. See, on the one hand, I’m not American or Russian, and neither do I have any vested interest in the national pride of either nation, so there’s one problem. On the other hand, as much as I like Big E, watching him job is not interesting.

So I’ll sum up the match like so: two big beefy guys beat the fuck out of each other and the wrong guy wins. The end.

Also, somebody on the commentary team said that Rusev’s trained in Sambo, and I almost had a heart attack until I googled it and found that Sambo is actually also a martial art. Thank fuck for that.

Result: Big E taps to the Accolade

Do I care? Does anyone care? Mmmm… no. No, we don’t.

What they did right: I’ll give them this much, Big E and Rusev know how to work a match.

What they did wrong: Everyone involved was overacting and the wrong guy won.

We get another ‘Don’t try this at home’ ad. Fair enough, there’s really no such thing as being too cautious when it comes to stuff like this.


Cue the kickoff panel, complete with prominently-placed bottles of Mountain Dew. Fucking sellouts.

Christian looks kinda like Richard Roxburgh, in my opinion. This is pretty damn hilarious if, like me, you’ve seen at least one episode of Rake. Of course, I have a feeling that 98% of Cagesiders have no idea what the fuck I just said, so ignore that last line.

Am I the only person who thinks that all the people who frantically gesture to themselves whenever a camera’s pointed remotely near them are kind of pathetic?

Cut to Bryan, earlier on the show. He’d look better without the beard. But he looks good in pink.

So Bo interrupts him, and I love that Bryan’s expression just screams ‘What the hell did I do to deserve this?’ Seriously, I’m not that fond of Bryan, but he just about won me over just with his expression.

God, I love that Bo looks like he’s desperately trying to find some interpretation of Bryan’s words that doesn’t make him look like a fuckhead.

We get a pointless waste of time involving the Bellas and Stephanie. Who even cares? I don’t. They don’t even have a match on tonight…

Seventh match: Layla vs Summer Rae with Fandipshit as the guest ref

Meh.

No, seriously, meh.

I realise that as someone who was writing Layla/Summer fic before it was cool, I should have a vested interest in this match, but… yeah, no.

Jerry. Shut the fuck up. Right the fuck now.

Enter Summer, and for fuck’s sake, Jerry, please shut up. And besides, she didn’t get dumped on Twitter, he dumped her via text and then said so on Twitter. Get it right, you hack.

Layla doesn’t even get her own theme? Fuck that!

…is she wearing a silver domino? OK, that just looks bad. No. Stop it.

OK, I’ve taken off my headphones because the commentary is just painful.

Result: Don’t care.

No, I’m serious. This match was a fucking joke. I honestly do not give a fuck.

OK, why does Layla get Fandango’s theme when she came in, but the LayCool theme upon winning? Care to explain?

Yeah, I thought not.

Cut a bit, then we get a piece about Bryan.

Final match: Bray Wyatt vs Randy Orton vs Sheamus vs Cesaro vs Roman Reigns vs Kane vs John Cena vs Alberto Del Rio for the vacant championship

Now we get the entrants doing their boasting part. *headdesk *

Cena: Fuck you.

Del Rio: Meh.

Sheamus: Bored.

Bray: Save me. Please. This entire PPV is just excruciating.

Cut to a montage of people on ladders.

Orton: You look like a twat when you do the pose.

Cesaro: Whatever.

Kane: Set some people on fire, then I’ll pay attention.

Reigns: You idiot.

So we get Trips’ heel music. Meh. Motorhead are overrated.

My head won’t stay up.

Steph, stop acting like you’ve never seen a ladder before.

Enter Sheamus: Meh.

Bray’s here, thank fuck. The lights of the mobile phones look like fireflies. They’re really pretty.

Enter Del Rio. Whatever.

Cue Cesaro and his siren. Bleah.

And now it’s Cena. *gags*

I love how Bray’s just lounging in the corner. Rock on, dude.

Enter Orton. Meh. I am noting a sad lack of his stupid pose, because…

…enter Reigns and his overdone theme that hurts my ears. Ugh.

Finally, it’s Kane, who looks as exasperated as I am.

Trips and Steph look exactly how you’d expect a major heel couple to look. They’re good at that.

So we start with total chaos, as usual. Hey, it’s better than Total Divas.

Sorry. That wasn’t quite up to my usual standard.

I’d swear the crowd is already doing the ‘Let’s go, Cena!’ ‘Cena sucks!’ thing. Lol. Give it time, people.

Fuckup number whatever and three: "The Authority continues to look on"- what the fuck did you think they’d do, start giving each other manicures?

I don’t think Sheamus’ ladder will ever be as big as Roman’s, if you catch my extremely obvious and not actually funny dick joke.

Sheamus actually had his hand on a title. Why wasn’t the crowd freaking out, hmmm?

Man, this thing with five guys on two ladders reminds me of Gladiators. I miss that show so much. There’s nothing like scantily-clad athletic people engaging in ridiculous displays of physical ability for the sole purpose of entertainment.

…which probably explains why I fell in love with wrestling so easily. Huh.

It says a lot about Cena that as soon as he turns up, my instant reaction is ‘Oh, no’.

Yaaaaay, Bray’s doing his spider walk!

Oh my God, this is basically Gladiators. It’s like a really cheap version of Hang Tough!

So apparently ten ladders just… OK, I just realised that ‘the Viper’ pulled out a ladder. How did nobody on the commentary team make a Snakes and Ladders joke?

Oh. Wait. It’s the WWE commentary team. Forget I asked.

‘What in the world is this Irishman going to do’- uh, since when is bringing up his race actually… oh, wait, this is WWE. Sorry.

Five guys on one ladder… man, it’s like a really massive round of Eliminator. Without John Forsythe as the commentator. Or that big distorted voice doing the announcing. (That voice scared the hell out of me as a kid.)

I feel like I’m watching a bunch of animated Ken dolls in a bucket trying to grab a can of hairspray that a sadistic kid’s holding just out of their reach.

Yeah, I bet Sheamus doesn’t feel comfortable as long as Orton’s inside that ring.

(If you don’t get that joke, then don’t ask. If you do, then congratulations, you evidently have a mind that’s as filthy as mine.)

I have to ask: do you think anyone in the Authority even noticed the fact that the entire crowd was cheering on Reigns when he hit Cena, and booing Cena when he hit Reigns?

Result: Cena wins lol.

What’s interesting here is the reactions of Trips and Steph. Their characters supposedly did their best to ensure that Orton would win. Orton and Kane got taken out by Cena, who won instead. But Trips and Steph don’t look angry or outraged or upset. They look resigned. Like they were hoping it wouldn’t happen, but ultimately knew that they’d been overruled.

Hmmm. Wrong reactions, people.

I like to think that Trips is standing there looking like he’s just realised that he needs to make a new will because he’s realised how much this is going to hurt the company.

What they did right: there were some genuinely impressive moments in this match, mostly involving the ladders. Everyone involved did quite a good job, to be honest.

What they did wrong: Apart from the clusterfuck that is Cena winning? Too many punches were obviously telegraphed, and the ending was just abominable in that everyone got a chance to beat up someone else. WWE, if you want this to not look like a massive farce, then don’t script it that obviously.


So, that was the night. How do I rate it?

Rating: D-

Yeah. To be honest, most of this was just plain boring. I don’t like long matches; I never have, to be honest (I'm bad at paying attention for long periods of time), so on that part it was fucked from the start. The Divas match needed a more relevant opponent than Naomi; the major matches needed better winners; and the whole night just seemed really pointless.

What really gets me is that I remember how just before this PPV aired, I was actually really excited for it. I was expecting some really good, satisfying matches. Now I finally got to see it in full… and it sucked. It sucked hard.

Once more with feeling: Fuck you, WWE.

So, now what? I don’t know if I’ll do any more reviews. For one, I don’t have any more DVDs (yet), and for two, the alcohol thing probably isn’t a very practical option. *shrug * That being said, if you guys have any questions, comments or suggestions, by all means, sound off below. I really hope you enjoyed this. *bows *

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.