FanPost

Retroactive Reconstruction: THE SUMMER OF PUNK, part 2 (Or, All the Really Bad #$@% Happens)

WWE.com

For those that missed part one, here it is.

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On the last exciting episode of Retroactive Reconstruction, we climbed the summit of the Summer of Punk. For those of you keeping score, that would be Summer of Punk II (The Quickening? Electric Boogaloo?) if you are a hardcore-enough fan to remember his ROH angle that was quite similar.

To say that the heights we reached with Punk smashing John Cena's head in with the GTS are dizzying is, well, a dizzying understatement. Sadly, those of you that have read previous entries know where this is going. I'm afraid that after walking through cloud nine, it's about time that we hit…rock bottom.

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(via media.tumblr.com)

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WHAT KILLED THE SUMMER OF PUNK?

…Are you ready for this?

Based on my PhD in GImmickology and Master's in Anglenomics, I have concluded that there were...

SEVEN things that killed the Summer of Punk in WWE.

First, his scripted return was way too fast.

After CM Punk won the WWE title, he understandably got the fuck out of dodge. Sprinted up through the stands, a spotlight on his back, Vincent Kennedy McMahon having a villainous breakdown on the ground floor…glorious. Utterly, utterly glorious.

So was this.

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(via i.kinja-img.com)

As God is my witness, that is one of the greatest things you will ever see in your entire life. And if you think your eyes are deceiving you…yes, that is in fact the WWE Championship that CM Punk took at Money in the Bank 2011…sitting in his fridge. (Goddamn shame there's not a Pepsi next to it, isn't it? Would it have been too much to have him take one of those cherry Pepsis out of the damned box and staged it next to the title?) It even has Cena's name on it! In terms of worked-shoot mindfuckery, this is near the top of the rock pile.

Now, naturally, a publicly traded company can't have their title in the possession of a lunatic that walked out on them, can it? Of course not, because this is WWELogic at play here. It was decided that there would be a tournament on July 25, 2011's edition of RAW to determine the WWE Championship. To the surprise of everyone, the winner of that tournament was Rey Mysterio. To the surprise of absolutely nobody, he was defeated by John Cena later that night.

So as the announcers tried to sell us on the fact that this was a great and inspirational moment that John Cena had buried the fuck out of Rey-Rey overcome the odds, and that the crowd wasn't split 50-50 on his win, suddenly the music changed.

* BZZZZTT *

That's how you make a frigging entrance into a show.

There's just one teeny-tiny-yet-ever-so-important problem here...

THIS WAS ONLY TWO WEEKS AFTER MONEY IN THE BANK.

I mean, come on. I get the "we need to keep this angle hot" mindset, but this is ridiculously hot-shotting the booking here. For some people (ie., your casual WWE fan), RAW and the PPVs are the only things that we watch. So gauging by that criteria, it had only been two shows since we'd seen John Cena get his fucking head kicked knee'd in. There's no real weight to CM Punk's return. He might as well have never left. Notice how disappointingly quiet the crowd was, despite marking out? They should have reacted like this.

SECOND, this fucking guy…in general.

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(via www.wrestlingrumors.net)

…Here's the thing. Triple H wasn't named as the VP of Talent Relations/whatever-the-hell-Johnny-Ace-used-to-be until 2013 in reality. I am skeptical of the idea that Triple H is any less of an asshole than what he used to be. He certainly isn't about to go handing out flowers or start acting like Mr. Rogers anytime soon.

However, I think that his real-life promotion was the best thing for him and for the business-ah. And I imagine that that great responsibility keeps him up at night. So he channels his assholishness into being a great backstage director and a fantastic old-school authority heel, because he believes that that is best for the business. Because now that he is in charge of all things talented-related, he gets to see the whole picture.

Here's another way to look at it: In All-Star Superman, Lex Luthor has gained superpowers not unlike Superman himself. At first, he sees it exactly the way you would expect Lex Luthor to see it. He plans to utilize his powers to rule for the sake of ruling. But suddenly Luthor realizes that he is able to see the world the way that Superman has always seen it, right down to the subatomic level. He stops his maniacal plotting, and begins gushing over how now he could do things such as solve the Grand Unification Theory, etc. etc. Superman steals his super-serum so that Luthor returns to normal. An enraged Luthor screams that Superman has denied him of a chance to save the world. And in one of my favorite exchanges the Man of Steel has ever had with his archenemy:

Lex: Give it back! I saw everything. I saw how to save the world. I could have made everyone see. If it wasn't for you, I could have saved the world!

……..

Superman: If it had mattered to you, Luthor, you could have saved the world years ago.

My point being this: Triple H has now been infused with the power that Luthor received, and I hope to God that he doesn't squander it.

But this is 2014 Triple H I'm talking about here. 2011 Triple H wasn't there yet.

2011 Triple H was in this weird little transitional period where you knew that he was going to end up being in the real-life executive branch of WWE, yet he was still trying to masquerade as a full-time performer. And because of that, I'm sure that he thought that he should still be involved in every major angle at the top of the rock pile. (Hey, wait a second…)

Even if it didn't really make that much sense.

See, he could try and play the "I'm just being the boss of the show, having used the 'Board of Directors' to remove the clearly-nuts Vince McMahon from control, and am impartially upholding both Cena and Punk's claim to the title because I know the crowd will love it and that is best for business-ah" card as much as he likes. No one was fooled. We all knew that eventually Triple H's chicanery was going to take center stage. It was just a matter of when.

It began with the appearance of...

Third, this fucking guy.

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(via ultimatefightnews.files.wordpress.com)

First off, don't be fooled by how young Kevin Nash looks. It is heartbreakingly somber to see just how many wrestlers age in dog years in appearance by the time they hit their 40's, and Kevin Nash is no different. His hair is white as snow in reality.

Second, WHY THE FUCK DID HE GET INVOLVED IN THIS???

For some context: Punk and Cena met up again at SummerSlam 2011 for a rematch of their MiTB match. It wasn't quite as amazing as their first encounter, but CM Punk managed to win. Then this happened.

From there, Alberto Del Rio skipped in with his MiTB briefcase and quickly cashed in on the knocked-out Punk, becoming the WWE Champion in a manner not unlike Randy Orton two years later. I love Triple H's terrible acting as he wonders what the hell Kevin Nash is doing in the ring. Nash escapes from the ring and over the barricade where Kevin Nash quad joke redacted for being too easy we were left to wonder what the hell was going on.

And what had once been a tightly-written, streamlined story was now over-bloated with the derivative bullshit that you and I know is all too common in WWE.

Because, if we were to salvage this moment the way you and I know we can, then logically this is how we'd do it: Punk's gotten knocked back down to the bottom of the totem pole, and in order to get back to the top he's gonna have to go through Kevin Nash. Then he can move on to Del Rio/Cena/whoever-the-hell-has-manuevered-their-way-to-being-champ.

…There's just one tiny problem with this set-up.

That requires us to get hyped for a match between CM Punk at the peak of his WWE powers…against an over-the-hill Kevin Nash. John Cena, for as much shit as we give him, can actually wrestle. And his meat-and-potatoes style of wrestling was at its best whenever he went up against Punk. Kevin Nash…can't. His style is pretty much "Brawl, brawl, Big Boot, Jacknife Powerbomb."…Scintillating stuff, isn't it? And I understand the willing suspension of disbelief (after all, how else do you buy a guy like Rey Mysterio beating Mark Henry?), but this would've broken it. Punk would have kicked the shit out of Kevin Nash.

…Uh, in addition to him kicking the shit out of the guy in trash talking, that is.

Then, to make matters worse, Kevin Nash's body betrayed him. Agai[KEVIN NASH QUAD JOKE REDACTED FOR BEING TOO EASY]-As it turns out, an extensive medical history of Kevin Nash conducted by WWE's Wellness Policy team discovered that his father had died at 36 of a heart attack, and that Kevin Nash was taking Plavix, cardiovascular medication. That's good for his long-term health, but because of the potential side effects of cycling off the drug and then getting in the ring…they didn't clear him to perform. And, well, someone had to be shunted into Nash's place.

I tried to comprehend the logic they used for the big switcharoo. But then I heard "I texted myself" or something like that and then the voices in my head (the ones that comfort me and understand) started screaming about the horrendous headache they suddenly had.

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(via uproxx.files.wordpress.com)

…You hear that? That's the sound of this whole kit and caboodle going off of the rails.

Fourth, Triple H went over Punk at Night of Champions 2011.

What reason was there for this to happen other than to stroke Triple H's ego? I can't think of any. Can you?

That was about as complete a heat-killing moment as you could get. After a (relatively) squeaky-clean win over John Cena, now CM Punk is being made to look like a dunce thanks to Kevin Nash at SummerSlam, and is second-fiddle to Alberto Del Rio. What the hell is going on here?

Oh, and it wasn't even a clean win either. Punk lost because of an attack by Kevin Nash and Miz and R-Truth, back when both were main-event dudes (as the * ahem * "awesomely" named "Awesome Truth."). If you're having trouble keeping up with what the hell is going on, don't worry! That only means that you are a sane person on this planet, and not involved in WWE Creative.

Then, inexplicably, the storyline mutated to where R-Truth and Miz were the focus of Punk's rage. Look, I know that Miz and R-Truth were promising in 2011, but this is just bad. They attacked him at Hell in a Cell 2011, after he'd lost a Triple Threat match between himself, Cena, and ADR. Then, at Vengeance 2011, CM Punk tagged with…Triple H? against Awesome Truth, and they STILL FUCKING LOST because Nash attacked Triple H. This was the cartoonishly dumb reason for CM Punk's beef with Triple H to be transferred to the new interim General Manager of RAW (who had been named by a returning Vince McMahon), who as we all know was...

Fifth, THIS. FUCKING. GUY.

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(via www.kayfabenews.com)

…Spare me the "oh, Johnny Ace innovated the Cutter!" and "Johnny Ace and Dr. Death Steve Williams were incredible in AJPW!" stories and defenses. I don't want to hear them.

John Laurinaitis was heavily involved in Talent Relations for WWE (aka the guy who hired people, etc.), and is almost universally hated for his approach to the job. Jim Cornette could barely contain his rage over the fact that while Jim Ross was very open and specific with his requests and talent borrowings from OVW (WWE's then-developmental league as well as Cornette's employer at the time), Johnny Ace was absolutely terrible at this. He'd frequently and randomly call up or send down wrestlers with little to no warning.

He hired Kelly Kelly and Alicia Fox…after spotting them in a swimsuit catalog. What a man his age was doing ogling such reading is already worthy of a heavy sigh and an eye roll, but considering he hired them to be on-screen talent, with the implication that they would be wrestling in the ring while most likely knowing (or at least assuming) that they had no experience with the business whatsoEVER is shameful.

At least signing Alicia Fox gave us moments like this:

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(via i.imgur.com)

I could watch this suplex all day.

And now Laurinaitis is filling in the role that Vince McMahon and even Triple H had played as the foil to CM Punk. That's…that's just not fucking fair. CM Punk is so much better than Johnny Ace on the microphone that the words to describe the width of the chasm between them haven't been invented yet.

Johnny Ace has the voice of someone with perma-laryngitis and the charisma of a barstool. He carries himself like he isn't quite sure what he's supposed to be doing out there, clearly a man who wishes he was a decade or so younger so that he could still go in the ring. And he was asked to fill in Vince McMahon's shoes. No contest.

Sadly, there are only so many ways for us to see CM Punk come up with a different expression for "glad-handed, nonsensical, douchebag yes-man" before it gets a little bit boring.

And now CM Punk is wasting his time with this schmuck, instead of getting to what matters.

The WWE Championship.

But they couldn't do it. CM Punk kept getting all sorts of ridiculous baloney tossed at him to keep him from getting the title back.

Bear with me here, because these next two issues might make you mad.

Sixth, CM Punk represents a very specific niche of the population...

Phillip Jack Brooks is an atheist, a pescetarian, and is a hardcore practitioner of the Straight Edge lifestyle. He's covered in tattoos, most likely a cynic (based on his sense of humor) is a huge mixed-martial arts fan (he had the Gracie Jiu-jitsu logo on his hoodie during his entrance at Wrestlemania 29), and is perhaps one of the biggest comic book nerds and Chicago sports fans you'll ever meet. On a personal note, I can only relate with him on three of those eight traits (which, admittedly, isn't bad when it comes to relating to celebrities). Now, granted, in the modern world this doesn't make him a freak. Far from it. It's just that, because of these eclectic character traits...

Seventh, …and therefore WWE had absolutely no fucking clue how to promote him properly.

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(via 4.bp.blogspot.com)

I've heard reports that the WWE is still living off of the proceeds that they made during the Attitude Era, and the 90's in general. I've also heard reports that in the immediately aftermath of Wrestlemania III, Vince McMahon personally gave Andre the Giant and Hulk Hogan checks for 1,000,000 dollars each. Either way, those "boom" periods if you will were the times when professional wrestling was at the forefront of the pop cultural zeitgeist. The Rock n' Wrestling Era. The Attitude Era. Both legendarily cartoonish environments.

…And that is the ultimate problem. The 80's and the 90's were a time period will always be remembered…and will forever be "dated" in time. You can't go back to the 80's chic, much less the 90's. There's a reason for that. Real life went ahead and infected pro wrestling with the realities the outside world was facing.

If you want to get really nerdy, the 80's and 90's marked one of the greatest events in the course of modern human history: the downfall of the United Soviet Socialist Republic and the emergence of the United States as the sole superpower in the aftermath of the Cold War. Each decade that featured this monumental occasion had a defining characteristic and attitude that shaped the WW(F)E into their environments and "feel" that we look back on in warm nostalgic glow today.

And the biggest pro wrestling superstars of the 80's and 90's reflected those cultural shifts.

Hulk Hogan and "Hulkamania" was all about the patriotic fervor and old-school "we can DO this!" vibe. It was a time period where heroes were larger than life, near-flawless, in it for the little guy, and most of all unabashedly American. We were all supposed to be united under one banner, which could be construed as a veiled patriotic dig at Communism. Say your prayers, eat your vitamins, train hard every day, and you too can become a larger than life being! It was best exemplified by this:

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(via grandstandu.com)

On one hand, that's just a professional wrestler slamming a man that is inordinately larger than any other man should be. On the other hand, it can be seen as a visual representation of the end of the Cold War: America, wrapped in the flag of the Red-White-n-Blue, picked up the Russian Bear and slammed him into the loser's margin of History's script.

And with that came the brash, "We're the best and nothing can topple us because we fucking won the battle for cultural society so fuck you, let's PARTY!" attitude that could best be described by, well, the Attitude Era.

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(via 3.bp.blogspot.com)

Party. Get hyped. Nothing can go wrong. Do whatever the fuck you want, because the good times have finally come after decades of living in worry and fear. Disregard and disobey the curmudgeonly establishment, because they're too old to understand what you've got here. You're young, and you're fucking free. Let's have some swinging-from-the-rafters, play-loud-music, party-till-the-cops-show-up fun. That's a rough translation of the Attitude Era in a nutshell, and there was no better avatar for that mentality than Stone Cold Steve Austin. STUNNER! STUNNER! STUNNER!

CM Punk doesn't really fit in either of those eras.

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(via wrestlingtimesx.files.wordpress.com)

A guy like a CM Punk would be at his best and shine the brightest in the present era we live in now. The post-9/11, often-stressful and frequently frustrating, and wildly unpredictable 21st century and America's place in it. A wise man once said "The only thing that's for sure about Sting…is that nothing's for sure." A similar sentiment could be placed on this tense (yet exciting) time we live in. CM Punk doesn't care about your dress-up and your pageantry. He's not interested in manufactured moments of saccharinity, nor does he give a damn about tradition. To him, most tradition is worth questioning, because it's anywhere from not-quite-on-the-straight to outright bullshit. All that matters to him is the truth. No frills, nothing else. When he says "I am the best in the world," he doesn't mean "I'm the best in the world…because Vince McMahon thinks I am." He believes, means, and most importantly can prove that this is reality. I can totally buy a guy like CM Punk kicking the shit out of anyone and everyone that he runs into. He's got that angry edge to make it happen, that restless drive to succeed. He's probably the Ur-example of the Indy darling who got into WWE not because of dumb luck nor corporate favoritism but because he's simply so damn good at what he does that you can't look away and ignore him.

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Both: "STOP IGNORING MEEEEEEEEEE!!!" (via data2.whicdn.com)

But he's caught in between the proverbial rock and the hard place. He represents the new school, but when has WWE ever (as a whole) embraced the new school since Vince McMahon showed up on Nitro to gloat? This is a company that still employs Michael PS Hayes, a man who thought himself "more of a nigger than you are" to Mark Henry and who is credited with this hideous notion that black wrestlers don't need gimmicks because they're black: that's their gimmick. This is a company that still employs Kevin Dunn, who allegedly got the job because of a lifetime promise and who is well-known in cSs (thanks to Alex Greenfield) as a misogynist influence on the product. This is a company that still has Vince McMahon micromanaging everything down to the last detail, even though he's surrounded himself with yes-men and is fat and happy at the top of the rock pile instead of lean and willing to take risks.

The WWE is still living in the 80's and 90's, yet at the same time is embracing the worst parts of the 2010's (bland corporatism, hesitance to take risks for fear of offending someone, aversion to/complete lack of understanding of "new-school" ways of promoting like social media, etc.). Their brain trust are the kind of people that no doubt recoil in fear at any hint of their power being threatened, and probably were pushed by desperation into giving CM Punk a microphone (who repaid them by no doubt shooting as close to the bone as he possibly could before they cut his mic) to drum up interest.

Am I saying that the "Summer of Punk" was doomed from the start? Not necessarily. It's just that it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to take a flagging industry and rocket it back to into mainstream interest (and NOT in a "Total Divas" kind of way), and they totally fumbled the ball at the goal line.

They didn't have an idea how to make it work.

...

Don't worry. I think I've got something...

END OF PART TWO

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.