FanPost

Your Weekly Reminder of How Much Worse the WWE Could be: RAW 7/28 & 8/4

J. Meric

STF (Step-on Their Faces)

Paul Heyman comes out and cuts his empassioned promo on how Brock Lesnar is going to beat Cena to a pulp. John Cena comes out looking smug as ever, and says "You know what Brock, you might beat me at Summerslam. But before you do...

…I'm taking everyone else down with me."

He's Here to Sell The World

Dolph Ziggler beats the Miz in a non-title match as in reality. Shortly after, Triple H comes out and announces the Intercontinental Title will be defended at Summerslam. He turns to Dolph Ziggler. "You will not be facing him", he says. "What?! I just pinned him! This is nuts! I should be a part of the match!". Triple H pauses. He says, "you know Dolph you're right. You should be a part of it. The Intercontinental title match at Summerslam will be a Championship Dolph Scramble match. For 10 minutes two wrestlers will beat on you and whichever one can get the last pinfall on you before time expires wins."

Dolph looks down and says, "You know, I'm not even mad. I've come to expect this."

"DON'T YOU TALK BACK TO ME. Just for that outburst of insubordination, we're upping the time limit to 20 minutes, and upping the number of combatants to 5 – besides the Miz there will be Sabu, Mistico, Scott Steiner, and Vader in the ring with you. Also they'll all be working together. Basically you're getting beat up for 20 minutes."

Triple H then hits Ziggler for no reason with his sledgehammer.

John Cena then runs down the ramp, clearing the ring. "Now Triple H if there's one thing I can't stand, it's people that don't have any respect. And I just saw Dolph here talking back to you for no reason. I can't, and won't stand for this behavior."

He then hits Ziggler with an Attitude Adjustment and chucks up his three-finger salute.

The annouce team puts over Cena's adherence to the John Cena code of Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect.

A Wrinkle in Time

Damien Sandow is out as a master of time, and unknowingly alters each wrestler to a previous point in their career. Unfortunately, he meets Brie Bella and Stephanie McMahon; the time warp brings Stephanie back to her state in 2000, and Brie back to her state in 2008. They... weren't as good as they are now, then.

Multiple Encounters of the Third Kind

As evidenced on RAW, WWE really thinks they've hit paydirt with RybAxel vs. Goldust and Stardust, so they book them in a Tag-Team Championship match (forget about the Usos) at Summerslam with a stipulation – a best-of-3-series-3-stages-of-Hell-where-all-matches-are-2-out-of-3-falls. How many pinfalls between RybAxel and the Dust Bros. will we have to watch? STEINER MATH TIME.

Now a problem like this often looks intimidating at first, but as you break it down, it's really not that bad. We will start by using the concept of a limit.

Definition 1.1 – Limit: The value equated to the number of times WWE will run a match with the same participants as the input pairing of opponents approaches the number of people that creative cares about in the mid-card.

Ex: With Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler as the input pairing, the number of times WWE will run the match approaches infinity.

We will use a function for a 2-out-of-3 falls match. Now as the number of times WWE does RybAxel vs. Dust Bros. approaches 141 2/3, we can see that the number of falls that a 2-out-of-3 falls match will have approaches a constant value. So we can accurately conclude that every 2-out-3 fall match will go the full 3 falls.

Next we have to find out if the best-of-3 series will go the full 3 falls. See, you'd think that there'd be a 50-50 chance of it going either way. But these guys are genetic freaks, so we need to use a genetically-freaked graph. Using a Steiner "Peak-on-top-of-a-peak" graph, and knowing that RybAxel is a midcard act, and that the Dust Bros. are a midcard act, the pairing can be qualified as a "peak-on-top-of-a-peak", and the series will go the full 3 matches.

Now, we have been able to quantify all 3 matches as a number of falls; let's STEINER SCREWDRIVER SUBSTITUTE THESE NUMBERS.

(1). (a best-of-3-series)-(3-stages-of-Hell)-(where-all-matches-are-2-out-of-3-falls)

(2). best-of-3-series = 3 falls, by the peak-on-top-of-a-peak graph.

(3). 3 stages-of-Hell = 3 falls, by the definition of a 3-stages-of-Hell match.

(4). all-matches-are-2-out-of-3 falls = 3 falls, by the definition of a limit.

(3 falls) * (3 falls) * (3 falls) = 27 falls.

So, in case you haven't watched RAW / PPVs in a couple months, you'll get to see 27 more falls of RybAxel vs. Dust. Bros.

#ItHappens

WWE decides that what would really attract fans to buy the WWE network is if they saw a big payoff to the authority storyline on RAW. So (2008) Brie Bella recruits her new friend, THE BULLY RYBACK. During their awful contract signing for their match at Summerslam (remember, time warp), (2008) Brie reveals that she will throw out their match; then Ryback then chimes in, "I PROMISE YOU STEPHANIE MCMAHON THAT I WILL PUT YOU THROUGH A TABLE".

Save Me, Y2J

Bray Wyatt challenges Jericho to a rematch at Summerslam. Jericho comes out and pretends to say yes before bursting into laughter. He then buries Wyatt on the mic.

Wyatt then drops to his knees and begs Jericho. "Please, Chris. If I can beat you in a 1-on-1 match tonight, I get a match at Summerslam."

Jericho accepts and Wyatt loses in about 15 seconds, tapping out immediately to the Walls.

Cena then comes out.

"Hey Bray, I know our feud ended months ago, and you have no momentum anymore, but I still felt it necessary to sneak noise-makers into your boots. After I press this button, * Cena presses a button * every time you take a step, a loud farting noise will sound."

Wyatt furiously rises but is halted by a loud "THBPPPTTHHHHH". Wyatt droops his head and dejectedly heads to the back, fart noises following him along the way.

The announce team puts over Cena for putting a stop to Wyatt's madness.

Live In Fear

Michael Cole informs us that due to the night's prior events, the Wyatt family has disbanded. A "Husky Harris" vignette then airs.

Michael Cole then reports that 3 others have come forward to re-form the Wyatt family, and that they would reveal themselves now....

….

…. I DON'T GET HYPED, I STAY HYPED!

Mojo Rawley comes out, along with C.J. Parker and the Great Khali.

"AYYYY YO I'M MOJO WYATT! AND WE'RE HERE TO RESTORE HYPE TO THE WYATT NAME!"

The new Wyatts face their first test in a 3-on-1 handicap match against Dean Ambrose. C.J. hits a palm strike, and then Mojo and Khali hit their finisher, the Power-Bum, a Khali bomb- hyperdrive combo.

Cena then comes out, and chastises Ambrose for not being a man, and letting the bullies win. He then hits Ambrose with an Attitude Adjustment and chucks up the 3-finger salute.

The announcing team puts over Cena showing Ambrose tough-love.

Heads I Win, Tails You Lose

It's announced that Swagger vs. Rusev is now a "commercial break" match at Summerslam. However, afterwards, you'll get to see the real attraction – a match between Rusev and an UNNAMED REAL AMERICAN!*

*It's Hogan. He wins, by the way. Rusev's repackaging is already under way.

Some People Are Visual Learners

In an attempt to illustrate the goodness of the network, KENTA makes a surprise debut on the main stage as "Mr. $9.99" a man in a costume that reads "$9.99". A true-blue babyface, KENTA comes out and tells the fans how great it is to cost $9.99. Prince Devitt also then debuts with the WWE version of the Bullet Club, the $55-DOLLAR-A-MONTH-GANG, a group of misers that insist that charging $55 dollars a month is the right way to go. A 12 person group then heads down to the ring and mercilessly beats down Mr. $9.99. Afterwords, a spotlight falls on KENTA and a voice tells that if approximately 250,000 people don't act quickly, Mr. $9.99 will die off (and in real life be future endeavored).

John Cena then comes down to the ring and says,

"Well, I just can't take a risk with you getting over."

And hits Mr. $9.99 with an Attitude Adjustment, then chucking up the 3-finger salute.

The announce team puts over Cena for interrupting 4 segments in one night.

It's Mr. Money in the Bank to You

In the last match of the evening, Heath Slater faces Rollins for the right to choose the stipulation. Rollins wins immediately, and in doing so, chooses the only stipulation that could disappoint the fans more than a Lumberjack match – A TUXEDO MATCH.

The Slater loss also creates the formation of a new tag-team – SlaterHater; Dean Ambrose tags with Slater but hates him so much for losing this match that he walks out on every single one of their tag-matches, for months.

Oh, and all of their matches are against RybAxel.

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