Professional wrestling is as much about talking as it is about actual wrestling. We'll gladly watch men or women duke it out in the middle of a ring in venues across the globe, but we need a reason to care beyond "hey, this should be a good pro wrestling match between these pro wrestlers".
So we get promos from said wrestlers telling us exactly why we should care. Sometimes they hit (big) and sometimes they miss (badly). In this weekly feature, we'll deliver a few promos from the week that was, complete with text and video (if available) of the best and the worst.
Let's do THISSSS.
Who even are you?
"Brie, I am a fourth generation McMahon. I don't think you even understand what that means. And what are you? Who are you, Brie? You're nothing. You are nothing more than a wannabe reality star who abandoned her injured husband, stole the spotlight from her sister just to make a name off of me at SummerSlam. You need to go look in the mirror, Brie, and you know what you'll see? You'll see a selfish, conceited shell of a woman. Who's the piece of trash now, Brie? You say you're gonna embarrass me at SummerSlam? Well, guess what? I'm embarrassed standing here right now. I'm embarrassed just to be in the same ring as you. And at SummerSlam I'm going to put an end to your pathetic attempt to make history. At SummerSlam, I am going to tear your heart out."
The video only includes Stephanie McMahon's response to Brie Bella, which is fine because we're saving you from having to sit through another Brie Bella promo. The gist of it was that she was fighting on behalf of not just herself and her family but for all those Stephanie has used and abused throughout the years.
Stephanie's response is essentially to laugh at the idea that any of those people would choose and/or want someone like Brie fighting for them before saying it's literally embarrassing even sharing a ring with her.
Blood & Urine & Vomit
"Who is Brock Lesnar? I'm an ass kicking son of a bitch. I don't respect anybody. I don't care what people think about me. I could give two shits who I piss off throughout my entire day, all right? I came back to the company because I want to be a WWE champion again. I don't give a fuck who's in my way, as long as I get the pure satisfaction of getting my hands on my opponent and making him feel my pain. That's what makes me happy. If you want to wrap your head around my world, you're going to have to understand one thing: I enjoy hurting people.
"Everything that has been put in front of Brock Lesnar, I conquered, I defeated. I win when I have to win. Hell, I'm coming off the biggest win of my career in the WWE. I just beat the Undertaker. The thing is, I knew I was going to beat the Undertaker. Everybody knew I was going to beat the Undertaker, they just didn't want to believe it. For god's sakes, why wouldn't Brock Lesnar be able to beat the Undertaker? Because he's some mythical god? It's not rocket science, people. Why wouldn't Brock Lesnar be able to beat the Undertaker? Why can't Brock Lesnar beat John Cena at SummerSlam?
"I'm going to rip John Cena limb from limb and it's going to be ugly, people.
"I left this company, went out and made a name for myself. I came back to be the WWE world heavyweight champion. But if I would have stayed here, there would be no such thing as John Cena. Nobody would know who John Cena is. He would have been buying boxes of Fruity Pebbles and eating them at home instead of getting paid to eat them.
"I'm going to rip John Cena apart at SummerSlam and then I'm going to stand before him holding the WWE world heavyweight championship with pride.
"I'm going to leave him in a pile of blood, and urine, and vomit."
"You're going to ask probably a lot of questions about a lot of accomplishments that I've had. I would much rather not talk about myself, my successes. That's... I'm very fortunate to be where I'm at, but I think the reason why I am where I'm at is because I don't do anything but look forward. I see what's in front of me. That's it. Brock Lesnar is easily the most difficult person I've ever been in the ring with. He's also the most gifted athlete I've ever seen. His height, his weight, his strength, his mobility, his agility, his endurance, his mean streak. The good news for me is I've been in the ring with Brock Lesnar and I know what I'm in store for.
"It is and will be the toughest match of my life. Paul Heyman went out a few weeks ago and said I'm in for the beating of a lifetime. That's like going out and saying the sun will come up tomorrow. Of course, I know that, I know that. But I also know what it takes to beat him.
"I want to be the one that beat the one.
"Brock Lesnar left at the right time because if he had stayed, there would be no Brock Lesnar. He left, he found something he was extremely successful at where he could have one fight every so often. Now, he comes back for one fight every so often. He's a mercenary. He's a hired gun that works for money, period.
"I speak very passionately about this because I love this company, and for 12 years I have dedicated my life to this company. Twelve years, every show, all the time. I'm not going in to lose, I'm going in to win."
This may be one of the best videos WWE has ever produced. If there was ever a match to produce it for, it's John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar, with Cena the WWE world heavyweight champion and Lesnar having his first match since breaking Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania.
It feels like a big fight.
Here's to hoping it lives up to that.
Frustrated isn't the (expletive deleted) word for it
"When you have all the tools, you're born with every single tool you need to succeed in that ring but for some reason -- SOME REASON -- you don't get it done on a nightly basis, it starts to eat at you. It eats at you when you're in the ring, it eats at you when you're on the road, it eats at you when you're in your bed, it eats at you when you're watching TV, it eats at you all the time. It gets old and I'm sick of it. It's coming to a boiling point and I'm about to snap. This is me calm. I thrive on chaos and it's about to get real chaotic around here."
Tyson Kidd has always been a superior performer when it comes to the wrestling part of professional wrestling but he's long struggled when he's been tasked with speaking.
NXT has given him new life it seems.
HUGS FOR ALL ... except you
Bayley: "I don't even know, I can't think. I haven't been able to speak anything. But I beat Eva Marie! She's on Raw, SmackDown; she was even on WrestleMania. I can't imagine, I just, I don't even know. I'm sorry. But I know that I'm slowly but surely climbing my way to the top to the NXT women's championship."
Charlotte: "What were you gonna say? I told you my name is not to come out of your mouth."
While the fun-loving Bayley celebrates a win over Eva Marie and ponders her future in NXT, ass kicking Women's Champion Charlotte rains on the parade. This is simple but effective booking to set up a future showdown between the two.
Everyone's got to have the sickness
"The symptoms have been banished from ringside but the source of infection remains. Wyatt continues to spread his disease throughout the entire WWE Universe. He thrives on mind games. He thrives on inflicting pain. He thrives on injecting his poison. I know the taste of the poison in Sister Abigail's kiss far too well but there's an antidote. The antidote is spelled Y-2-J, and at SummerSlam I'm going to purge the WWE of the Wyatt plague. He's got the whole world in his hands? I've got the whole WWE Universe in mine. We're gonna follow the buzzards; I'm gonna grab those buzzards and shove them right down his damn throat. You want to get crazy at SummerSlam, Bray Wyatt? Let's get crazy."
Not only did Chris Jericho get through an entire promo without referring to Bray Wyatt as a spider but he came up with an entirely new angle to exploit, one that actually makes sense for the story they've been telling with "The Eater of Worlds" since his arrival.
More of this, please.
That's it for this week in promos.
Until next time.