Okay, I'm not gonna lie to you guys, Battleground blew chunks. It was really disappointing. But sometimes, blowing chunks just needs to be put into perspective, right? Let's try to see how much worse Battleground and its fallout could have been.
Select. Trim. Select. Trim.
The Usos vs. Wyatts is changed from a 2-out-of-3 falls match to a 1-out-of-1 falls match. They don't change the match at all either; just imagine them sticking the match into Movie Maker and trimming it until right after the big-boot first fall.
But since the Wyatts can't have nice things, they just give the titles back to the Usos after beating them because "they don't need them". Think this is lazy writing on my part? Maybe so, but it's not as lazy as Cesaro's dialogue about leaving Paul Heyman.
U-ETH-A! U-ETH-A!
Swagger beats Rusev clean, but Rusev impresses Jim Ross by his remarkable selling of a broken ankle, a broken arm, an inflamed knee, a chipped tooth, a lacerated finger, a fat li-Oh my God Swagger did a number on him.
Rise Above The Walls
Chris Jericho vs. Bray Wyatt is turned into a 1-on-3 steel-cage match (it's not actually 1-on-3, but you know that's what it'll turn into). Jericho gets beat up for 12-minutes; after kicking out of Wyatt's standing side-slam, he mounts his big comeback; he dodges a Wyatt clothesline, hits two flying shoulder-blocks, ducks a clothesline, and hits a spin-out powerbomb. He then taunts Wyatt by waving his hand in front of his face and hits with a fist-drop (with theatrics) that he calls the 5-Finger Foxtrot. He then hits all 3 Wyatts with a standing fireman's carry takeover which he calls the Mood Modifier for the pinfall. After the match, Jericho explains that he won by abiding to the Chris Jericho code of EFFORT, DEVOTEDNESS, AND COURTESY. "Ascend over hostility", Jericho states.
Wyatt, furious over being booked worse than JaMarcus Russell's football career, issues an open challege for a 1-on-3 handicap match.
Zack Ryder answers.
Ryder gets beat up for 3-minutes; after kicking out of Wyatt's standing side-slam, he mounts his big comeback; he dodges a Wyatt clothesline, hits two flying shoulder-blocks, ducks a clothesline, and hits a spin-out powerbomb. He then taunts Wyatt by waving his hand in front of his face and hits with a fist-drop (with theatrics) that he calls the 5-Phalenx Promenade. He then hits all 3 Wyatts with a standing fireman's carry takeover which he calls the Reaction Regulator for the pinfall. After the match, Ryder explains that he won by abiding to the Zack Ryder code of ETHIC, CONSCIENTIOUSNESS, AND APPRECIATION. "Upsurge overhead resentment", Ryder states.
Almost Fatal-Fourway
In the main-event, Reigns turns on Cena, and it's announced that it is a 1-on-3 handicap match. Now you may be wondering who would win the belt if the team of 3 would win, but you must remember that this is only a problem if the outcome is actually in question.
Anyway, WWE decides to vary on the typical Cena formula; instead of getting beat up for 20-minutes, hulking up, and winning, he beats everyone else up for 20-minutes, then hulks up anyway, and wins!
Cena really, truly no-sells everything he is hit with; he is hit with a chokeslam-RKO combo followed by a tombstone-spear combo, and kip-ups. He is chokeslammed onto thumbtacks, but uses his body to absorb them and fire them out of hands like a machine gun. The finish sees the team of 3 getting a knife and disemboweling Cena – but Cena no-sells the disembowelment, instead using his intestines to choke out his opponents in the STF. After the match Cena sews himself back up with his bare hands.
The English Have Trouble Letting the A's Breathe
A.J. and Paige's feud no longer revolves around the Divas title, but rather about which of them would be next in line to date Fandango. Who'll fight over the Divas title, you may ask? Why, the pairing the world has been clamoring for – at Summerslam it will be CAMERON VS. ROSA MENDES FOR THE DIVAS TITLE.
¡Ole!
Diego wins the IC belt. THE MIZ DOESN'T LOOK SO BAD NOW DOES HE.
My Client... Better Than Perfect
Paul Heyman comes out with Brock Lesnar for a promo.
"Ladies and Gentleman, my name is Paul Heyman, better known as the architect of the man that is the one in the 21-1. Now since the day that my client, BBRRRRRROOOCK LESSSNAR, conquered the Undertaker's streak at Wrestlemania, he has waited, lurking in the shadows for when the time was right. And I can see that now, the time is right for Brock Lesnar to step up and do what he was destined to do... be enhancement talent".
Curtis Axel appears on the stage, as Lesnar looks confused
"Ladies and Gentleman, when Mr. Axel debuted last year, I promised all of you that it would be a moment that you should record and play-back over and over. Today is when those of you that did would prosper. For my true client, Curtis Axel, will take on John Cena at Summerslam for the WWE World Heavyweight Title."
"Wait, what about me Paul?", Lesnar asks.
"I shouldn't need to repeat myself, but in case you and these simple-minded wrestling fans didn't understand what I said the first time, I have enlisted my newest client to recite what I have just said. Ladies and Gentleman, my newest client, Eva Marie, will now make my promo HOT".
I'll pause for a second so you can dwell on the thought of Eva Marie reciting a Paul Heyman monologue.
Scary, isn't it?
Curtis Axel proceeds to demolish Brock, beating him into total submission while Heyman claps his approval. He then enters the ring and enters a tense standoff with Cena. He hits Cena with a McGillicutter and Cena stops moving. Cena is carted out on a stretcher, and Michael Cole informs us that he may not be able to wrestle again.
Remember, You CAN Make a Difference
WWE enters total desperation mode for the WWE network, taking the ASPCA approach to selling. They show various shots of Dolph Ziggler crying backstage while "Arms of an Angel" plays in the background. "Many wrestlers each day are mistreated, mishandled, and buried without a thought. For just $10 a month we can turn an egregious enough profit that we can afford to give people like Dolph Ziggler wins... on Superstars. Please consider donating your money to World Wrestling Entertainment today for the WWE network. Without your support the superstars will be left to fend on their own, and may even end up in the abusive hands of TNA Impact Wrestling. Remember, these wrestlers can't speak up for themselves and fight for their own jobs (actually Dolph tried to a couple times and it was pretty funny) so it is up to you to make a difference. Thank you for your time."
Tums Recommended
Because WWE wants people to know for sure that they aren't ripping off the UNSTOPPABLE ALLIANCE, and because WWE can't help themselves, the faction of Xavier Woods, Big E, and Kofi Kingston is created when they find out that they were all chefs prior to wrestlers.
BUT, the gimmick is of course Kevin Dunn*, so the supposed fun in the gimmick is that they only know 3 recipes: Fried Chicken, sliced watermelon, and grape drink, with the name of the faction being the Legion of Indigestion. Their finisher would be a heart punch, called "Soul Food".
*Kevin Dunn: adj. A gimmick twisted in a racially or sexually insensitive way; "The Asian eating noodles gimmick can only be described as Kevin Dunn"
The Lemon Incarnate
Brock Lesnar starts throwing things backstage out of frustration, when Adam Rose and the Rosebuds appear.
"AWWWH BWOCK, DYON'T BE A LEHMON, BE AH WOSEBUD!"
Instead of F-5ing Rose and all of his friends, he actually agrees. They show Lesnar partying on the Exotic Express until Zack Ryder and Titus O'Neil crash the party (Yeah, I know its unrealistic that WWE would have an interracial group, but work with me here). THUS THE SEEDS HAVE BEEN SOWN.
THE MAIN EVENT OF SUMMERSLAM.
BROCK LESNAR & ADAM ROSE VS. ZACK RYDER & TITUS O'NEIL IN AN
ELIMINATION
TUXEDO
MATCH
(To maximize hatred, remember that this is what the Undertaker lost at WrestleMania for.)