Welp, it's been a sad week in WWE, what with the announcement of 10 wrestlers being let go. It's especially true after reading that JTG, who seemed impossible to usurp from the WWE roster, had finally ended his tenure in the company. Let us never forget.
BUT things could have been worse, so let's delve right into this week's events. It is 8:00 p.m. ET on Monday, June 9, 2014:
- Dolph Ziggler opens with another chance to qualify for the Money in the Bank briefcase match. His opponent? Hornswoggle, who dominates Ziggler for 10 minutes, with the latter getting absolutely no offense in. Hornswoggle hits a tadpole splash and is going to pin him; however, Los Matadores and El Torito come out to continue their never-ending feud, and distract Hornswoggle enough for Ziggler to roll him up and get a quick three count while Ziggler is grabbing his tights and using the ropes for leverage. Ziggler celebrates like he just won the WWE world heavyweight championship.
- Summer Rae and Layla determine that there is enough of Fandango to go around, and align with one another. They are booked in a 6-person mixed tag versus Santino, Emma, and .... Bayley.
"WHEN YOU GOOD LOOKING SONAMAGUN LIKE ME, YOU MAKE MANY FRIENDS", Santino says. Bayley wins the match for her team with her version of the cobra, the Black MamBAYLEY.
- Instead of getting a Dean Ambrose promo, we get a Randy Orton promo. He says, "It can be said that the man given the birth name of Seth Rollins by the mother that had gave birth to him had committed an ultimate betrayal, that is in this instance evidenced by his turning on, that is committing an act against those that he knew by the names of Dean Ambrose, of whom is commonly referred to as the lunatic fringe of the group known as the Shield, whose name can be commonly spelled out by the NATO Phonetic alphabet letters Sierra, Hotel, India, Echo, Lima, Delta, and the man given the birthname of Roman Reigns, who has popularized the usage of the spear, and who has been commonly associated with, that is described as, the powerhouse of the Shield, whose name can be commonly spelled out by the aforementioned NATO Phonetic alphabet. Mr. Rollins, that is, Seth Rollins, committed this act in such a way that he made it appear that he was, in fact, still aligned with the group that is known as the Shield and did so in such a way that he targeted the man named Roman Reigns first with a foldable chair whose foundation is that of steel and which can be characterized by a jet-black hue in the lower area of the back of Mr. Reigns in such a way that it caused a briefly debilitating sensation in Mr. Reigns, and the actions from Mr. Rollins were so uncharacteristic that upon seeing these actions it can be correctly ascertained, from the evidence at hand, that the wrestler on the main roster of the company of World Wrestling Entertainment, that has the name Dean Ambrose, was shocked beyond belief at the actions of a man that he had called his partner for his extended period of time, as Mr. Rollins then proceeded to assault Dean in the same sort of manner. I, Randall Keith Orton, can confirm this as true."
- No Damien Sandow.
- Bo Dallas beats Xavier Woods with his newest finisher, a simple abdominal stretch. "HE CALLS THAT THE BO-A CONSTRICTOR, MAGGLE! WHY DO WE USE SO MANY SNAKE REFERENCES, MAGGLE?"
- RVD beats Cesaro, because who needs new stars?
- The Shield recruit John Cena against The Wyatt Family. Before the match starts, John says, "Hey, Bray, I know our feud is pretty much over but I'm afraid you still have too much momentum, so here's one of your lantern promos with fart noises added in. Remember, it's only bullying if the guy you're doing it to isn't a freak HUSTLELOYALTYRESPECT BABAAAYYY!"
- Cena and The Shield win, and they induct Cena in as a full time member. "Don't worry, guys, I will be sure to instill the values of hustle, loyalty and respect within each of you. You never have to worry about me turning on you." Unfortunately for The Shield, thousands of wrestling fans just turned on them.
- HHH and Stephanie end the show with the big announcement. They strip Bryan of the title. "There will be a series of matches to qualify for the Money in the Bank match. Alberto Del Rio has already qualified for the title match, and Dolph for the briefcase match", Stephanie says. "...Unless there are any objections, that is."
I DON'T GET HYPED, I STAY HYPED!
Mojo Rawley comes down to the ring. "You know what Stephanie? I do have a problem with that. You see, the WWE Universe deserves a champion that not only gets hyped, but STAYS hyped. Now I saw Daniel Bryan get hyped at WrestleMania, but since then, his hype has run out. HE AIN'T HYPED ANYMORE! I think that I would fit the bill as a guy that could be the most hyped WWE world heavyweight champion ever! I think I deserve the title now!"
"I see no problem with this. WWE Universe, your NEW WWE world heavyweight champion, Mojo Rawley! Alberto Del Rio will move to the briefcase match."
Dolph Ziggler comes out. "Wait, what about me?" "You'll still get to be in a Money in the Bank ladder match," Stephanie says. "This one is for a match at SummerSlam. a 10 on 1 handicap match versus Brock Lesnar, Kane, Rusev, Triple H, Randy Orton, Cesaro, Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, Erick Rowan, and Tommy Wiseau".
"What?! This is stupid. Why would ANYONE want to win that?" Ziggler responds.
"Also, you're the only participant in the match".
"This is ridiculous! Wiseau isn't even a wrestler! He made one terrible movie!"
"Ahaha, what a story Dolph", HHH chimes in.
"You're asking too many questions", Stephanie says. "Mojo, show him your hype!"
Mojo beats down Dolph with the rear-view and hyperdrive. Then, to demonstrate the diversity of his moveset, he debuts his new submission, the "Ass-phyxiation", where he chokes Dolph in a corner with his bum.
The show ends with Mojo raising the title high.