Author's Note: There are many unique facets to the legend of the Ultimate Warrior, and his propensity for cryptic and seemingly nonsensical promos is one of the more notable ones. Today, as a public service, we read between the lines of the most famous Warrior promo of all time in an attempt to extract its true meaning:
"I, Ho Kogan, have a question...to answer your question. As you, Ho Kogan, travel to Wrestlemania by conventional means, the normals you travel with experience malfunctions. As you realize, ALL THAT IS LEFT is total self-destruction, do you, Ho Kogan, show self-pity? DO YOU, Ho Kogan, try to reason why? Do you, Ho Kogan, try and comfort the normals that have even more fear than you?"
Translation: "Mr. Hogan, I'd like to have a conversation today about commercial air travel. While it's a commonly known and statistically well-attested fact that traveling by plane is generally much safer than by automobile, the possibility always exists of a catastrophic mechanical failure taking place during a flight. In the event of such a malfunction taking place during your flight to Toronto for the upcoming Wrestlemania event, how do you suppose you might react if it appeared the flight crew might not be able to affect a safe landing of the aircraft?"
"Or do you, Ho Kogan, kick the doors out? Kick the cockpit door down. Take the two pilots that have already made the sacrifice so that you can face the challenge. Dispose of them, Ho Kogan. Assume the controls, Ho Kogan. SHOVE THAT CONTROL INTO A NOSEDIVE, Ho Kogan! Push yourself to total self-destruction."
Translation: "When faced with the possibility of their imminent demise, it is common for some individuals to react in a manner that might be considered excessively emotional, irrational, or even psychotic. I'm curious to know how you, Mr. Hogan, might picture yourself responding to such a regrettable turn of events. For instance, would forcing open the cabin door and jumping from the aircraft (presumably without the benefit of a parachute) offer you the best chance of survival, or would the better option be to murder or otherwise incapacitate the flight crew, take over the controls despite your own lack of any relevant training or experience, and place the aircraft into a steep descent in hopes of the increased airspeed resulting in a stable glide slope that might enhance the opportunity of achieving a safe emergency landing?
"As you realize, Ho Kogan, you are about to enter a world close to Parts Unknown. Ah, smell it, warriors. Do you, Ho Kogan, look for a place to hide? Or do you, Ho Kogan, face the challenge that may be more powerful than EVEN YOU ARE, Ho Kogan!"
Translation: "Should you in fact succeed in affecting a safe emergency landing, the possibility exists that the landing site may be in a remote and/or sparsely populated area. With any potential rescuers being days or weeks away, history furnishes numerous examples of air crash survivors resorting to cannibalism in order to remain alive long enough to be located by search and rescue crews. Since your body would likely have the highest potential meat volume among the crash survivors, and since your fellow survivors would quite possibly harbor a great deal of resentment toward you for having murdered the flight crew, would your concerns over being a potential target of cannibalism be sufficient to leave the crash site and make separate shelter arrangements for yourself?
"You, Ho Kogan, must self-destruct so that you will know, Ho Kogan, who is...The Chosen One. For Ho Kogan, I am not the Chosen One...that you speak of. I am not. I, Hulk Hogan, am...the only...one..."
Translation: "Were I to find myself in a similar scenario, it is not my inclination to believe other survivors would deem me the most ideal target to be cooked and eaten. Concerns might be raised by the unnaturally orange hue of my flesh and my well-known track record of steroid abuse, such that the other survivors might consider it safer to risk starvation than to feast on a potentially toxic dinner of roast Warrior. Moreover, my leadership and motivational skills would be highly valued by the other survivors, which only increases the likelihood that I would be the last to be eaten. By myself. Nobody but Warrior is worthy of eating Warrior."
I'm glad we were able to have this heart-to-heart, Mr. Hogan. Best wishes in your future endeavors."