I really don't like Jeff Jarrett. I don't think I have ever been entertained by the man once. I cannot think of a single thing that I enjoyed while he was on TV. He couldn't even accidentally entertain me. Hell, even John Cena had matches that I thought were great. I cannot name one great Jeff Jarrett match. I can't even think of one that I sat through without zoning out and thinking of something else, anything else. I went to Firehouse Subs the other day and they were showing some guy practicing golf on the television. It was a fifteen minutes of a pro golfer, practicing his swing. That was more entertaining than anything Jeff Jarrett has been part of and I absolutely loathe golf.
However, I'm willing to put all of that aside and help him in his new venture. You see, Jeff Jarrett is the best at what he does and that isn't wrestle. Jeff Jarrett fails, and he's damn good at it. You can say that Jeff Jarrett has been an artist of failure. With his new venture Global Force Wrestling, Jeff Jarrett seems to have honed his special art into a science. He certainly doesn't need my help to fail, he's done that plenty his entire career without me. All the same, here are some suggestions to ensure Global Force Wrestling is a complete, global fail. Jeff, I do this because I want to see you accomplish your masterpiece.
Since you decided wrestling is not enough for your wrestling show, here is some stupid bullshit that I'd like to suggest you waste airtime on instead of actual wrestling.
Pie Eating Contest
Everyone loves a pie eating contest. You get all 500 of your talent together and let them chow down on apple and cherry pies. The top 16 guys will be put into Bracket A. They will then compete in a tournament. Not a wrestling tournament, but a thumb war tournament. The winner of the tournament gets a title shot. The next fifty get put into Bracket B. Everyone else is taken out back and shot. Bracket B will then go on to the next idiotic event I have lined up, which is...
The Hulk Hogan Sex Tape Challenge
You get the 50 competitors of Bracket B into a room, and show them Hulk Hogan's sex tape. The last one to throw up wins and gets to challenge the winner of the thumb war tournament to a game of Twister. The winner gets the title shot. You then book the Hulk Hogan Sex Tape Challenge winner to go over in Twister, that way you can render the entire thumb war tournament a complete waste of time. But before he gets his title shot though, he has to undergo...
Karen Jarrett's Super Awesome Make-Over
Why does Jeff Jarrett carry a guitar? To accessorize! Karen Jarrett will find the blush that really brings out his eyes, dye his hair, and then take him shopping in beautiful downtown Nashville. Once he's styled up, he can go to the Grand Ole Opry, harass Radley Balko and urinate in Toby Keith's pool. It'll be terrible television that exactly zero people will give a shit about. Then you cap the entire arc off by making sure this man never appears on your program again and the whole thing is completely wiped from memory. Jeff Jarrett then can award himself the championship.
Hire Vince Russo
Everyone loves this man. He is everyone's favorite booker. You should hear how Jim Cornette praises him in all of his shoot interviews. Trust me, there is absolutely no way that this can backfire. Russo's success rate speaks for itself.
Hire Kevin Steen and Awesome Kong
Slow your role, they won't be wrestling. Instead, they'll be put into a hilarious spoof of the Biggest Loser. If you actually put them in the ring together you might actually draw money. It's absolutely imperative that Global Fail Wrestling doesn't draw any money, what so ever. Drawing money is a completely alien concept to Jeff Jarrett that will only confuse and anger him. He'll start biting people. It's not his fault, he's just not capable of understanding it.
Total Non-Stop Knock-Outs
Another hilarious spoof, this time of WWE's Total Divas. That'll get under Vince McMahon's skin, if only Vince actually watched TV and whose cultural knowledge didn't stop dead at 1980. The man still thinks Jimmy Carter is president. Linda just doesn't have the heart to tell him otherwise.
Have your announcers make terrible puns
Linda just doesn't have the HART to tell him otherwise. See what I did there? Now, just imagine puns like that but in Taz's voice. That'll drive the viewers away faster than heel Micheal Cole. Say, that gives me an idea.
Hire Mike Tenay and turn him heel
Because everyone loved it when WWE did it with Cole.
In a two hour program, make sure there are only seven minutes of actual wrestling
Really, who wants to watch that shit anyway?
Have a militant anti-theist and a fundamentalist Christian debate the existence or non-existence of God
Because everyone isn't sick to death of this argument springing up in comment sections across the internet every time Richard Dawkins lets out a wet fart. Militant ant-theists are a dime a dozen on Youtube, just pick one at random. Fundamentalist Christians can also be found on Youtube, pick one at random as well. For extra points, tell them that this is not a philosophical debate, as neither will understand the meaning of that word. Tell them its a scientific debate and watch them scream at each other for hours while saying nothing insightful or interesting. If a wrestling match threatens to break out between the two, save the segment by jingling something shining in front of them to induce giggling.
First on TV and then under your porch.
Troll Dean Ambrose on Twitter
That'll really get you guys over and put you on the map.
Have Austin Aries thrust his junk into the camera constantly
It's all about giving the fans a little something extra. Besides, they'll probably think he's a cracked out CM Punk anyway.
Do not hire AJ Styles
Why would you want someone who can wrestle on your wrestling show? It doesn't make any sense.
That's all I've got. Anyone else got any really terrible ideas?