They call it the "Legends House," which is kind of ironic, since it took WWE two years to find it a home.
Nevertheless, here we are, with the network's first reality show featuring such "legends" as Gene Okerlund, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Hillbilly Jim, Howard Finkel, Jimmy Hart, Roddy Piper, Pat Patterson, and Tony Atlas, occupying the former house of Harpo Marx.
Let that sink in for a minute.
We kick things off with a really creepy intro where everyone gets to say their catchphrase. Tony Atlas opens the show with the biggest fucking arms I've ever seen on a guy who's 102 years old. He pulls up to the Legends House and it looks like a lot nicer than anything a broken down ex-wrestler can afford.
See, now Vince is just being mean, because they all get kicked out at the end of the show and have to go back to their dumps.
Next up for the episode one intros is Hillbilly Jim, who still looks like a hillbilly. Actually, he looks a little like a balding Dozer from Mask. He and Atlas exchange bro hugs and reminisce about the good old days. Here comes Pat Patterson and he's already bragging about creating the Royal Rumble.
C'mon Pat, what have you done for us lately?
Jimmy Hart rolls up and he still talks like that guy who used to narrate the Micro Machines commercials. He calls himself "a pimple on prom night" and standing next to a hulk like Atlas, I can't argue with him. Oh shit, here comes Howard Finkel and he is just as awesome as I remember.
Oh cool, it's Hacksaw Jim Duggan ... what's the over/under on how many Hooooooooes! we get per episode? I'm opening the line at seven, so place your bets. Whoa ... Duggy looking a little haggard. He warns viewers that he may clash with Atlas at times.
Mean Gene shows his face and I don't know which mortician did his make up, but it looks like they just dug him up. Yikes. He gets to bunk with Atlas and doesn't look that fired up about it.
Okay here comes the "star" of the show, Rowdy Roddy Piper, who says he's had over 7,000 pro "fights."
Uh huh.
The rest of the cast is afraid of the trouble "Hot Rod" might cause. I have to admit it has been a long time since They Live, even more evident once you get a good look at him under the lights. Damn, I feel old. Piper already looks annoyed because all Hart can do is obsess over the location of the bathroom.
HOT WOMAN ALERT. RED DRESS. VIAGRA PILLS SPILLING ALL OVER THE FLOOR.
So the producers send "Ashley" into the house to get them to smile and do stupid reality-show type shit like say "hi" to the neighbors and bring them a cake. Okerlund says worst-case scenario, he can just eat it. But I don't know if he means Ashley or the cake.
Not surprisingly, the neighbors want nothing to do with a bunch of creepy old men stalking the streets with baked goods. Wait, hold that, it appears some folks see the camera and want their 15 minutes of fame. A few of the local kids are hiding under the table, just to give you an idea of how well received the Legends are.
"I'd drop an elbow, but I wouldn't be able to get back up," says Duggan, after a Piper faux-ambush.
After the neighbor experiment, they all return to the house and I guess it's the next morning because everyone is walking around in pajamas ... then again that's what old folks do all the time, so who knows. Piper can't get a blender to work. This is what we are being asked to watch.
Legends being old and stuff.
Later in the day, they start discussing what they want to eat for dinner. Holy shit I feel like I'm watching my grandparents Palm Springs vacation videos. Hey look, the Legends go to the supermarket! Patterson gets mad because the cabbage is small.
I'm really close to punching out, as I'm sure you didn't come here for a write-up on vegetables.
While Pat cooks cabbage rolls, the rest of the house goes out to play tennis and watching them stumble around the court is unsettling. Out of respect for Warrior, I won't be doing any heart attack jokes, but seriously, these guys are in awful shape and should not be running.
Fink is shaped like Baloo.
So after everyone gets done running around, it's Patterson who collapses on the couch, from all that standing around in the kitchen. Atlas rubs him down with those big, meaty hands. I'm not sure what happened with the dinner, they just cut to a new day and a giant gong is hit.
No, it's not Mr. Fuji, it's Gary Busey. Patterson call him Gary "Busek."
So Busey is there to teach the Legends how to meditate. They start doing some yoga and I feel sad that they wasted this spot on a Hollywood reject when they could have sent in DDP instead. I know I promised no Warrior references, but seriously, Busey's promos are far worse than anything the late hall of famer ever said.
Uh oh ... looks like we have some tension between Duggan and Atlas when they start talking about kids at the dinner table. Busey intervenes by putting himself over as the bad guy from Lethal Weapon. Oh lord he's marking out for himself.
Suddenly, Piper seems like the most level-headed guy and OH SHIT HE JUST CALLED OUT BUSEY.
Another quick cut to the house and Patterson is getting lit ... looks like there's booze on the premises. They do some flashbacks to the glory days of the eighties and I realize now that as much as I miss that era as a fan, these guys miss it even more.
Okay, now it's getting depressing.
Piper said performing was easy and entertaining the fans was easy. It was trying to connect with people outside the ring that was hard. Oh dear, now Okerlund is tapping the bottle. Mean Gene calls it a reward for a long, hard day. Piper retreats to his bed and we get the "Lonely Man" piano solo.
This shit is serious, you guys.
Oh I see, Piper has kicked his drinking problem and now he's faced with a bunch of peers getting inebriated and having fun. That said, "Hot Rod" just walks out of the house and starts wandering down the street in the dark and now he's off in a field howling at the moon.
Will he blow a gasket? Tune in next week to find out!
We could be in for a long season folks, as the Legends don't really do anything but exist. Not sure if this format works outside the WWE environment, which may be one of the reasons why fans are able to connect with Total Divas. A lot of those episodes are constructed around the happenings at live events.
This is more like a visit to the WWE retirement home, sort of a pro wrestling version of Golden Girls, only not as funny or charming. I can see now why it wasn't picked up by any of the major television networks. That said, it's still early, so I'll try to keep an open mind going forward.
Anyone out there love it?