FanPost

The Hulkster's Totally True Hollywood Hogan Stories Starring Hulk Hogan...Written by Hulk Hogan, dudes

You know something, Hulkamaniacs? I bet that you all know a lot of things about the Hulkamania, brother. But I would bet that there are a lot of things you don't know about Hulk Hogan, jack. So the Hulkster is writing this Fanpost himself, to set the record straight on just who Hulk Hogan is. Now the Hulkster could have found himself some no-name wannabe writer with an e-book on Amazon that no one has read to ghost write this post for him. But let me tell you something, brother. That is not how the Hulkster does his business, dude. Hulk Hogan is here at the Cageside to dish the dirt about the greatest human being that ever walked the earth, Hulk Hogan. So here are some facts about the man called Hollywood.

I'm responsible for making the Olive Garden successful.

As anyone who saw my early nineties special on Nickelodeon already knows, the Hulkster started life as a fat kid who was bullied until he started working out, saying his prayers, and taking his vitamins, dude. I even wore nothing but yellow shirts back in those days, brother. That's how deep the Hulkamania runs in the blood of Hulk Hogan, jack. I know it's hard to imagine your greatest hero as Piggy from Lord of the Flies, so you're probably wondering how I came to be in such a state before I body slammed the boulder and leg dropped the conch shell.

The fact is, dude, the Hulkster loves spaghetti. I've loved it since day one, jack. Nothing makes Hollywood happier than a giant plate of pasta drenched in cheap tomato sauce. As a kid, I used to dream of owning my own pasta chain. I remember those days fondly, hanging with my good friend Jimi Hendrix who was kind of enough to write a song about a fat, little Hulkster who took to calling the Voodoo Child. The very same song that Hollywood Hogan would come out to when I was reinventing wrestling with the nWo along with two other guys.

I worked hard to start my pasta chain, but I got sidetracked when a band called Metallica wanted me to play bass for them. Unfortunately for them, I had to decline their invitation no matter how much they begged me. Don't get the Hulkster wrong, Kirk Hamlet and John Hatfield were really cool guys, but the drummer was a complete dick. It was a loss they never recovered from; just imagine how far they would have risen if the Hulkster had been there playing bass and writing their music and lyrics for them, dudes. It could have been Metallicamania running wild instead of Hulkamania. Alas, poor Ulrich, it was not meant to be for them. Without the Hulkster, they were relegated to be second banana to Manowar, brother.

Then I got a phone call from Vince McMahon Jr. He wanted me to fly up to New York City to to save Mr. T from getting his ass kicked by Paul Orlock and "Rowdy" Roddy McDowall. So I went into Madison Square Garden, brother, and I pinned Roddy in a clean finish and became the Heavyweight Champion of the Universe. Hulkamania ran wild, and rock and wrestling tore the roof off of the world, brother. I mean that literally. If you ever wondered why the sky is blue, its because the power of Hulkamania changed it that way, dudes. That's scientific fact, jack. Just ask the Hulk's good friend, Mike DeGrasse Tyson, brother.

After that, I met a sweet girl by the name of Cyndi Looper, who wanted to be a rock star really badly, but she didn't have any hit songs, dude. So the Hulkster, out of the kindness of his own heart, gave her one of the songs that I wrote for Metallica called "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." It became a big hit in the States, but more importantly, it was a huge hit in Russia. It was such a massive hit in Russia, that the Russian government couldn't keep the weight of it lifted. As I lifted three thousand pounds of Andre the Giant over my head, brother, and slammed him down to the mat, the Russian government buckled and collapsed because they didn't take their vitamins or say their prayers. That's how I ended the threat of Soviet Communism and won the Cold War for the United States of America, jack.

Then the Hulkster looked out over the breadth of his domain and wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer, brother. None but save one. The world of pasta eateries, jack.

The Mall of America in beautiful Iowa, was clamoring to hop in the sack with the Hulkster. Everyone from Brooke Shields to Hillary Clinton was, brother. As anyone who has seen my sex tape knows, my arms aren't the only forty inch pythons running wild, dudes. In fact, its how I got the name "Hulk." When I was born, my Hulkster was so massive, the doctor who delivered me yelled out, "Good Gawd Almighty! Look at that Hulking thing! As God is my witness he's gonna break them in half, brother!"

So the Hulkster traveled to Iowa. As you know, Iowa is a distant, mystical place that is inaccessible to mere mortals. In fact, the Hulkster had to invent a new kind of airplane just to get there, brother. But there I was, in Iowa's Mall of America talking to the head honchos in charge. I pitched them the greatest concept in the history of man, and that includes fire, jack. It was Pasta-Mania, and it ran wild all over the country, brother. It was the most successful pasta eatery of all time. It was so successful, that the head honchos over at Olive Garden decided to give Hulk a call and beg him to show mercy.

Being the kind hearted and selfless soul that the Hulkster is, I realized that maybe Pasta-Mania was running a little too wild. So the Hulkster decided to lay down, do the job and pass the torch onto the Olive Garden who were a runaway success once I folded up Pasta-Mania.

There are days when I miss that pasta eatery. But I think it was for the greater good, that the Hulkster showed his trademarked humility and dignity, gracefully bowing out when the time was appropriate. If there is one thing that Hulkster has never done, it was stay past his welcome at the expense of others, jack. The Hulkster's only concern is the betterment of those around him. If that means laying down and doing the job for an up and comer, well the Hulkster will always be happy to abide.

That's how I turned Olive Garden into a successful franchise. You can believe it, because that's the truth, jack.

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.

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