Greetings! I'd like to welcome you to the year 2024.
Flying cars still aren't a thing. The iPhone 9s was considered the biggest flop in technology history and doomed Apple to get taken over by GoogleWalmart's phone division. Oh, and guess who's president now?
Yeah, I know. I never saw Jimmy Fallon getting elected either, but who saw the Republican party running a statue of Jesus draped in an American flag? The fact that the contest went to the Supreme Court where Barack Obama and a pickle jar of Bill Clinton's brain and testicles cast the deciding votes probably had something to do with it.
But since this is a wrestling website, I figured I'd update you all on what's happened the last decade in the WWE. You're probably curious about a few things? Who's the new top guy? How did the WWE network turn out? What's the state of the business?
Well, you're in luck because I have all those answers and more for you right here.
First things first. How's the business doing?
Rest easy. Business is booming. You can even say it's the new golden age of wrestling. The WWE's decision 10 years ago to scrap the pay-per-view format in lieu of its own streaming video service was a bigger success than the company could even have imagined at the time.
Of course, at the time it looked like it was going to be a complete and utter failure, as the streaming service wasn't prepared for the number of initial subscribers, and the very first event held on the network - the now-infamous WrestleMania 30 - which featured the main event of Randy Orton vs. Dave Bautista. The first and only WrestleMania match to be ever be ended mid-match when hundreds of EMS personnel descended upon the Superdome to attend to thousands of fans who simultaneously died of boredom.
But that little hiccup aside, the last 10 years have been some of the best in the history of the WWE.
You're probably wondering who is champion? Well, I've got some bad news...
No, it's not Bad News Barrett. He got released in the great purge of 2022, when Linda McMahon - after failing in her 8th bid for a US senate seat - released every wrestler not born in New England.
No, the current (as of this writing) champion of the WWE in 2024 is...
Yes. The same John Cena.
He's currently in the midst of his record 37th WWE title run. And as we head into WrestleMania 40, I should say, as a fan, this is the best stretch he's been on as champion since he turned heel in 2019 after the Make A Wish Foundation finally ran out of kids who wanted to meet him.
Cena will be taking on HHH in the main event.
No, not HHH the cerebral assassin. He's been retired from active wrestling for the last three years after tearing both his quads, both hamstrings, a patella tendon and his rotator cuff while cutting a 85-minute promo on his own Hall of Fame announcement.
I'm talking about HHH - H. Husky Harris - formerly known as Bray Wyatt, who ditched the Wyatt gimmick in early 2015 after cries of 'ripoff' from fans of TNA's "Willow" character.
Harris - now a Greenwich, Connecticut blueblood redneck, earned the right to face Cena at WrestleMania 40 after defeating Daniel Bryan in a special "Daniel Bryan fights while duct-taped to the turnbuckle" match at Elimination Chamber.
Fans are growing restless with the booking of Daniel Bryan, however, as he's currently booked on the ultimate underdog streak of losing 891 straight matches. Then again, "the money is in the chase," as they say.
As for the rest of the WrestleMania card, things are looking as amazing as they are unpredictable.
1. Mojo Rawley defends the Intercontinental title against Naomi in a special 'Ass Blast' match where only the competitors rear ends can be used as weapons.
2. C (formerly Cesaro) takes on E (formerly Big E) in a "Loser Has No Letters Left In His Name' match.
3. AJ Lee (longest reigning Diva's champion at 3,678 days and almost four title defenses) puts her Diva's title on the line against Brie Bella in special 60-second Diva's iron man match.
4. The Rome (formerly Roman Reigns, fresh from his starring role The Mummy Unwrapped) takes on The Rock in a special "Loser Can't Leave To Become An Actor" match.
5. New tag team champions will be crowned when the tag team belts will be placed under two seats in the arena. Whatever two fans find the belts become the new tag champs.
6. A reverse buried alive match featuring Dolph Ziggler, Daniel Bryan and CM Punk. All three start the match buried under six feet of dirt and the first one to climb out of the ground and thank Triple H for the opportunity wins.
7. Kofi Kingston v. The Miz
All in all it's one of the best cards in years. You guys will be so psyched for it 10 years from now you'll forget all about how angry you were after Elimination Chamber this Sunday.