FanPost

Report: Fans celebrate 2014's Royal Rumble with a golden shower

WWE plans to rake in the cash with an innovative new business strategy, making their live audience shit solid gold bricks and then collect them after the show. They debuted the strategy last night at the Royal Rumble. Fans were expecting the return of popular superstar Batista, but the WWE pulled a bait and switch and some strange, human/potato hybrid won instead.

Mick Foley was quick to offer praise with:

As was Jeff Jarrett with this completely non-ironic statement:

Reports are coming in that Dixie Carter will now offer Vince McMahon advice on how to be successful in the pro wrestling industry. Her first piece of advice is for Vince to hire Hulk Hogan, as that has never gone wrong in the history of professional wrestling, ever.

Vince himself is baffled as to why the fans keep chanting "pans are frying." It is said that the junior McMahon is now convinced that the WWE universe is really hungry, hence the Royal Rumble win for the humanoid potato. All eyes are now on Wrestlemania where Potisto will take on living sleep aid, Randy "My Promos are Stronger than Nyquil" Orton. The match should be an epic one on the condition of two factors being met. The first is that the fans don't fall asleep during Orton's entrance. The second is if Potisto doesn't gas himself out and fall over on his way to the ring.

Not all is rosy in the WWE Universe however. There is a small contingent of greedy, entitled Debbie Downers who would rather watch a wrestling goat than the miracle of science that is the incredible potato man. God is said to be so upset with the Rumble finish, that the Lord is considering wiping out humanity with a second flood, Russell Crowe's canoe be damned. However, the Almighty is powerless since He Who is I Am lost a match against Vince the 2nd, aka Vince the Mad, aka Vince the Cruel, aka Vince the Troll. The people of Idaho, however, are overjoyed with the finish.

WWE's next PPV offering is Elimination Chamber, a match everyone likes but would prefer War Games instead.

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.

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