The Notorious Eddie Mac (Attempts To) Answer #AskDixie Questions

NOTE: This is strictly a parody and should be taken only as such. Though the questions asked using the hashtag are real, the answers are not. This is for entertainment and humor. Everyone understands this, yes?

ANOTHER NOTE: I made a couple additions to the post since it was originally posted this morning, including adding more questions, and Dixie's reaction to this latest public relations mess at the end of the post.

In the wake of the bloodletting that has been happening in North America's #2 wrestling promotion (you know, the Orlando-based's Orlando still, right?), TNA President Dixie Carter asked for fan feedback. It has turned the company and its president into a laughing stock, as the IWC (and non-IWC folk) let the boss have it. Perhaps the final straw for many fans was the firing of Jesse Sorensen Tuesday, despite (1) breaking his neck in a match last year at Destination X, and (2) allegedly being promised that he had a job there for life.

Within hours of the Q&A session gone wrong, the #askdixie hashtag trended worldwide on Twitter, and still, two days later, fans are pecking away at the assumed dead corpse of the promotion and its leader. So, as a public service, since the president of the company won't be out front and answer questions (even though the majority of them are just plain silly), I will.

You're welcome.

NOTE: These are actual questions posed by real Twitter users using the #askdixie hashtag. I probably should include Twitter handles and give them proper credit, but I wanted to get this out ASAP.

-Is it true you once got busy in a Burger King bathroom? No, but I did grab some biscuits this morning. Sausage, egg, and cheese if you're wondering.

-When's the TNA Invasion angle happening? i.e. WWE buying you out and using your remains as a storyline? Three to five years. I know people are expecting to happen in the next year, but Impact is one of the top rated shows on Spike. But if TNA continues to lose money hand over fist, it will happen sooner than later. Dixie's mommy and daddy can't keep bailing them out.

-Do you feel that Claire Lynch would be the perfect choice as host for the "Rise And Fall Of TNA" DVD? She would be my second choice. First choice: AJ Styles.

-When TNA finally folds...would you ever consider going over to WWE and being a general manager of Raw? She would be a better option than Vickie Guerrero. Just saying.

-Did you know that Rellik is Killer spelled backwards? Let me check and I'll get back to you on this.

-When will Sabin drop the belt to @HulkHogan?! Bound for Glory. But I don't forsee Sabin getting there with the belt.

-Does everyone on the roster get paid Dave and Busters points? Don't underestimate the power of Dave & Busters points.

-How many wrestler's yearly salaries are less than Rampage is being paid for 10 appearances? Well, let me see how much Rampage is getting first. Then I'll give you a more concrete answer. But my guess is all of them not named Hulk Hogan, Sting, or Kurt Angle.

-What were you on when you hired Brooke Hogan? My friends say coke but I believe it was weed. Please settle this bet. You're both wrong. Meth. Tweeking with Jeff Hardy that day. Though I will say, cocaine is a hell of a drug.

-Why have you allowed the same group of blowhards that ran WCW into the ground to run TNA into the ground? Well, the only reason TNA exists is because WCW doesn't. What did you expect to happen?

-Why do you call it IMAPCT LIVE...when more than hal your shows are taped??? What? It worked for the WWF in the 1990s.

-Can I write for you? I have a lot of experience writiing in my journal. I think that counts. No. And I'll repeat for the West Coasters: no. However, WWE could use your services. On second thought, why the hell not?

-Have you seen my shoes? I'm late for work and can't find them anywhere. Did you check under the bed?

-Would you say firing a guy with a broken neck and a pregnant woman was the greatest heel turn in history? No. That still goes to Hulk Hogan in 1996. Seriously, have you seen so much trash thrown in the ring at one time? LeBron James in 2010 comes close.

-Which Jesse is better: Sorensen or Katsopolous? Katsopolous, simply on account of not having a broken neck. And he married a model once.

-How does it feel to know that #AskDixie is the greatest hashtag in the history of our sport? It feels awesome.

-So when TNA collapses and guys like Styles, Storm, Roode etc. have their careers halted will you blame yourself or @HulkHogan? Hulk, of course. Duh.

-Hey, you wanna see something really scary? HAHA. I'm sorry, that's funny.

-Can you justify why hulk hogan and his hoeski daughter deserve their pay check more then people with talent? Ratings.

-I'm planning on starting up a successful, profitable wrestling company. Anyone you can put me on to? I hear that Vince McMahon guy may have a few ideas.

-Does Hogan wish he was @JohnCena? Probably. I mean, have you seen Kendra Lust?

-Had I chosen to work for your company how many young talented performers would you have fired to pay me? Get my drift? Eight.

-if Bruce Wayne is Batman and Tony Stark is Iron Man, do u still have no idea about wrestling? Still no idea. Never had a clue. How else you explain hiring and firing Scott Hall three times? Can't explain that.

-Does it amaze you that @IvorTNA is still doin the legit question gimmick? It is AMAZEBALLS.

-We know TNA loves to copy old WCW and WWF storylines. But isn't copying WCW's implosion a little much?? If you wanna copy WCW, you might as well go all the way with it.

-Why did @MrSuperBacon add his entire skype contact list into the SWO group? I'm guessing this is the new Reply All by accident. Read the confirmation box, people.

-Is it true a lot of mid-card wrestlers in TNA are considering living in North Korea, because they have a better human rights? There is no truth to that rumor.

-Is everything just a plan to dethrone @EA as "The Worst Company in America"? Probably. But Microsoft for about three weeks was about 50-50 to win with the Xbox One reveal.

-Why did you hire everyone on the cover of The Death of WCW [book] to run your company? Blame Jeff Jarrett for that. His idea.

-Since none of these questions have been answered by @TNADixie does that mean @IMPACTWRESTLING will not be on tonight? Impact's still happening. 9pm eastern, 8pm central. Or you can just read the spoilers here. Your choice.

How much do you regret making this a thing? Did you not see the tweet that said this is the greatest hashtag in the history of our sport? #BoomScienceBitch

I can't wait for your announcement announcing an upcoming announcement that will change the face of pro wrestling! I can't either. It will be EPIC.

How much more money do you have to pay Hogan before his pockets truly becomes too heavy and sinks the TNA ship? Approximately $3.4 million dollars American. And it will come from the Milwaukee Brewers. Might as well be useful.

When will you reunite the greatest tag team in TNA history, New Jack and Shark Boy? Presumably when New Jack gets out of rehab.

Isn't it pathetic and sad that @HulkHogan had to take a second job hocking his wares at a Beach Shop to pay his bills? Have you seen the economy, lady? Most people are lucky to have a first job.

If Sid Vicious broke his leg while main eventing a PPV would you fire him in the ring or wait until he was in the hosp? Rehab, actually. Then fire him via FedEx.

You know what's really over in prowrestling @IMPACTWRESTLING literally it's so OVER. Know what else is over? The Bridge. So says KRS-One.

Do you think it's legit that half of TNA budget goes into your makeup? A half is a bit much. Maybe like a tenth. An eighth, tops.

Have you watched Hogans sex tape? Like seven seconds. And I wish I haven't. Cannot...unsee...

IS TNA's booking guide The Death of WCW? Shhh...don't give away our secrets. We'll sue you.

Is it true that most Iranians tried to write you in for President because they wanted another detached despot? Most, no. Some, maybe.

How was it that you had a wrestler on the roster named Murphy for an entire year? The same way WWE has hidden JTG for the last four. Science.

You made three stars last year with Aries, Roode and Storm. How did you mess that up so badly? Because reasons.

How did Aces and Eights go from over two dozen guys to less than 10 with no explanation given? You must be thinking the nWo. Oh wait...

Does TNA stand for Total Nonstop Absurdity? No. Tits and ass.

Is Jeff Gaylord out of jail? If he is sign him up! Not yet. 2015.

Remember when you had Alex Shelley on your roster, and you killed his love of the business so badly he had to leave the country? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Seriously thou, if ur hiring writers i have some wcw fan fiction I wrote in 1994. Just make me on screen GM and they're yours. 1994. Oof. How about 1992?

You weren't interested in bringing in Paul Heyman for a creative position, yet copy his business model of bouncing checks. Explain. Can't explain that.

Remember when Impact's slogan was wrestling matters. Pepperidge Farm remembers.

-Can you put a Fruit Pastille in your mouth without chewing? They're 25% fruit juice. How the hell do you not chew?

-Has Vince McMahon ever tried to Get Carter? By that I don't mean 'employ you' I mean 'hired Michael Caine to shoot you'? No. But I did try to Get Shorty once. And Be Cool. Being Cool didn't work out so well.

-Is Sting only pushed because his face-paint resembles a panda, and TNA is funded by Panda energy? No. And yes. Maybe yes and yes. But probably no and yes.

-Have you looked into Big Poppa Pump's hookup, and did you holla if you heard him? I have not. I probably should.

-For the last 3 weeks two cats have fought in my garden, it has entertained me. How long until a Hogan is inserted to this feud? Six to eight weeks.

-Are you on the hook for any of Flair's alimony? Contrary to popular belief, no.

-Why are the buildings in the Jetsons so damn high up? I dunno. Science?

-Are you hiring the ‪#‎sexualharassmentpanda to prevent any possible lawsuits? Too expensive.

-So who's the next washed up ‪#‎UFC fighter you gunna sign? Is Nick Diaz or Forrest Griffin available?

-When is @HulkHogan gonna fight @Sting for the TNA world title and give him the "rub" he needs so desperately? Bound for Glory 2015.

-If you fold, can I buy your tape library for $100? $100? No. But if you got like... $250, call me.

-What are your thoughts on ROH becoming the number 2 wrestling company behind the WWE real soon? Does ROH have PPV that works the whole way? Well we do. Scoreboard bitches.

-If you fired Hulk Hogan and Erik Bischoff wouldn't you be able to pay everyone and have enough left over to hire back Sorenson? No. But we would at least have a chance at LeBron James next summer.

-Have you taken the Be A Star Pledge or are you a Bully....Like @RealBully5150? I'm neither a bully, nor a star. I'm a car thief.

-is the name Hogan more valuable to you than actual in ring performers like @BPmattmorgan and @JoeyRyanOnline? Well, of those three, one of them is still employed. That should answer your question, yes?

-If Suicide and Homicide became a tag team, would their name be Chris Benoit? No. Homicide would need to be cloned for the team to be proper.

-Who is more hated - Michael Cole, George Zimmerman, Obama, Mark Sanchez or you? In order from most hated: Zimmerman, Obama, Cole, Sanchez, me.

-If Train A leaves the station at 10am and is traveling at 50mph, and Train B leaves at 11 what time does Hogan call the Nasty boys? We're assuming it leaves 10am ET today, so... 3:48pm?

-How do you keep a straight face when talking about the TNA Hall of Fame? Like this. See? Easy.

-Can I have a TNA contract? I accept pills and grilled cheese sandwiches. just cut Chavo. Sure, why not? Nobody likes Chavo anyway.

-When you release your next "Best of TNA" DVD, will it just be a bunch of WCW matches? Assuming we can work out a deal with Vince, yes.

-Is the rumour true that Sting's ashes will pin Brooke Hogan's daughter at Bound For Glory 2083? False rumor, I'm afraid.

-Didn't you use to own the Cleveland Indians and tried to move them to Miami, only to be thwarted by your ragtag group of players? Yes. Fucking Rick Vaughn.

-How long until David arquette wins the TNA world title? 18 to 24 months.

-Remember that time you had Samoa Joe in his prime and completely ruined him? Why'd you do that? Because Stone Cold said so. And he's fat.

-does it make you sad that WWE new performance center has a bigger audience than Impact? Before or after the Impact Zone era?

-If I went to a TNA house show on my own, and nobody else turned up, would that be the record attendance? No. But if it were say, you and about twenty of your friends, you'd have a good look at it.

-Seeing as Angle isn't a fan of the black people, how long before you give him a George Zimmerman gimmick? About two, three years?

-Do you ever lay awake at night and cry, knowing you had Ayako F'N Hamada on the roster and wasted it? No. Remember Cheerleader Melissa? Had her too. Wasted it. And Amazing Kong. Didn't lose an ounce of sleep over it.

-When was the last time you looked in the mirror legitimately saw a beautiful woman staring back at you? 1999.

-How will it feel when the UK's porn audience is still higher than TNA's even after the ban on it? I will be a sad panda.

-Seriously. Taz works one show a week. How was he due a night off? It wasn't his turn in the rotation.
-Do you realise that Hulk Hogan has not improved TNA in anyway in the four years he's been there? Um... ratings. Have you seen them before Hulk Hogan?

-TNA Hall of Fame? Who's going next, Hulk Hogan? Shhh... don't give it away!

As you can see, this is just a small sampling of what's peppering Dixie's timeline these days. Hell, there was (albeit briefly, it got suspended just as I was putting the finishing touches on this) a parody Dixie Carter account answering some of the questions. Simply put, it's been a disastrous few weeks for public relations in TNA. The company will probably be around for the foreseeable future, but so will the ill will it generated for itself. I'm not one to kick a company while its down, but it has brought this upon itself. does TNA get out of this public relations hellhole? Ideas?

Oh, turns out Rellik is Killer spelled backwards. Who knew?

UPDATE: TNA President Dixie Carter has FINALLY...FINALLY... issued a statement. Make of it what you will.

UPDATE 2: The parody Dixie Carter Twitter account that was suspended is apparently back up. For now.

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.

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