Tons of Funk (Brodus Clay, Sweet T, Naomi & Cameron) defeats The Usos & The Bellas
in approximately seven minutes via pinfall when Clay pins Jimmy Uso
• When they announced this as an eight person tag, and the Uso boys followed out the hip-hop quartet, I just assumed that Jimmy, Jey, Brodus and Tensai were one team, with the Funkadactyls cheering them on. The face versus face tag team match is weird. Putting the face male twins with the heel female twins is weirder. I guess with putting the siblings together, WWE can now say that they don't just create teams by race.
• It takes Tony Dawson 3.5 seconds to mention Totally Divas on E! And the rationale for booking this match begins to take shape. Although honestly, if that show gets us two or three real storylines for the women in WWE, it'll be worth it in my book.
• Things get weirder still when the match starts with the Funkasaurus and Jey having a popping and locking contest. That's just foreplay for Brodus grinding his ass on the Uso in a corner. PG everybody!
• Naomi, who has used some of her reality show money to get some new hair, comes in after Brie tags herself in. There's too much posterior-based offense for Daniel Bryan's lady, who goes to Jimmy for relief. Naomi looks as if she's going to tag one of her male partners, but instead hits the Uso with a decent-looking hurricanrana. This is the main story beat of the match, as Jimmy looks heartbroken and spends the rest of the contest glaring at the Funkadactyl.
• From the "I know I'm still a 13 year old at heart, because this made me laugh" department - Sweet T gets hung up in the ropes and the Bellas sandwich his noggin in between their butts. While they're acting proud of themselves, he gets excited and puts himself back in the ropes so he ask for one more. The twins then look creeped out and walk away.
• Tensai turns back into a superkick from Jimmy, who then plays the heel in charge role while shooting dirty looks at a remorseful looking Naomi. Are they dating in real life or something? Somebody get Love Between the Ropes on the case! This has to be something for the E! show, because it's not paid off here and I don't see this getting much television time on Raw.
• Rikishi's boys look to have this one in hand, but Jimmy comes up short on a Superfly splash follow-up to a Samoan drop and T is able to get to Brodus for the hot tag. Clothesline, scoop slam, splash - one pinfall attempt is broken up by Jey, but Sweet takes him out and then Clay closes the deal.
Our mid-show replays are Ryback's opening segment from Monday night, and the six-man tag, taken from the WAR DANIEL BRYAN part about 1/3 of the way in. Man, what a fantastic match that was.
Damien Sandow defeats Alex Riley
in approximately four and a half minutes via pinfall
• Well, A-Ry takes pole position in the race to determine who will replace Michael McGillicutty as Mr. Superstars. Matt Striker says that he was a linebacker for Boston College; I always thought the varsity jacket part of his heel gimmick was strictly kayfabe.
• The Duke of Decency has a microphone, and has a great line about how he's about to show the unwashed masses "how he deals with incompetence". He points at Riley as he lingers on the last word.
• Decent bit of grappling to start, but there's nothing here that you wouldn't expect from either of these men. In Sandow's case, that's fine. In Alex's, it makes you wonder why he hasn't been cut yet. There's nothing wrong with what he's doing, but when basic moves like a drop kick and a spinebuster are lazily delivered...it doesn't make you want to see any more from the guy.
• I really like the Silencer, Sandow's new finisher. You guys are going to have to help me with this, sitout side slam? It kind of looks like a Side Effect or even Mason Ryan's old House of Pain. Whichever, he wins with it, adding to A-Ry's credentials for the job, because Mr. Superstars can not win on Superstars. Dawson calls the cartwheel the rotation of illumination, which if I've heard it before, I'd forgotten it. And that's unfortunate, because it's brilliant.
Concussion theatre with HHH closes out the show. I hate this angle even more on a second viewing, but that's a topic for another time.
Perfectly average episode of the Thursday night internet delight. The ringwork left a lot to be desired, but the opener was a fun change of pace, and then we were saved. I'll give it a C, largely because rewatching Hell No & Kofi Kingston vs The Shield is always a good use of your time.
What did you think of this week's Superstars?