In a recent edition of the Cageside Seats greatest finisher tournament, the Muscle Buster battled the Stone Cold Stunner for dominance. This sparked a lively discussion about burials, and whether or not Austin buried other wrestlers.
When it comes to the topics of burials, Stone Cold Steve Austin is usually not the first person to come to mind for many wrestling fans. The term itself has become widespread and popular with the internet wrestling community (IWC) - because we in the IWC are experts on all aspects of the wrestling industry and can do TNA's job better than they can. One of those things in the last sentence is probably true.
But I digree, we came to speak of burials in pro wrestling. There is one man, and one man only, who is always present at every burial that has occurred in pro wrestling. I think we all know who I'm talking about.
None other than...the Undertaker.
We all should have seen it coming. He was an undertaker. He was obsessed with corpses, and funerals, and had some fat, pale guy with him carrying an urn.
We should have known when he first appeared on our televisions. This man was here to bury other pro wrestlers. Sure, it all seemed innocent enough, a casket match here, a buried alive match there - every once in a while. But underneath was the sinister urge to bury pro wrestlers, effectively ending their prosperous careers.
He, of course, would then bill the families for the funerary services he rendered.
The first burial in pro wrestling took place on October 20, 1996. The person to be buried was Mankind. Evidently burying one wrestler wasn't enough, the Undertaker wanted to bury the entire species.
Who could stop this madman and his evil schemes? He has supernatural powers!
Those powers were used in the service of evil and Mankind was the first pro wrestler to ever be buried. Mankind's wife, who is still looking for him in Cleveland, says that her husband was a good man. She continued, "you might even say, he was a kind man." If there was anyone who didn't deserved to be buried live on pay-per-view (PPV), it was certainly this lovable husband and father.
Not satisfied with his perverse need to fulfill his gimmick requirements, the Undertaker attempted a second burial on December 13, 1998. This time, in a match against none other than Stone Cold Steve Austin. In an ironic twist of fate, Austin managed to turn the tables on the demon. The Undertaker became the second wrestler to ever be buried in pro wrestling history.
This obviously did not sit well with the "Phenom" - as the Satan worshiping kids call him. The Undertaker would return with the Big Show and successfully bury the Rock and Sock Connection on September 9, 1999. This would make it the second time that Mankind has been buried on PPV. Why no one has ever thought to call the police to arrest this monster, has yet to be explained.
There was a brief period of quiet on the burial front as the Dead Man was replaced by an alien who thought Limp Bizkit music was cool, badass even.
Upon seeing this nu-metal crap in his company, Vince McMahon had no choice. On November 16, 2003, Vince McMahon buried this bizarre creature and killed it for good. He was then hailed as a hero in both the wrestling industry and the music industry, as Limp Bizkit's career as rock stars were seemingly buried with it.
Unfortunately, the real Undertaker, returned to start his reign of burial terror anew.
However, it was not meant to be. Kane managed to bury his own brother on October 24, 2010. It was also broadcast on PPV. Fortunately, no one saw it because no one was watching wrestling anymore. Fans had a difficult time seeing their top wresltlerJohn Cena, and Randy Orton is boring. That was the last burial. No professional wrestler has ever been buried since.
When you add it all up. No one in the wrestling industry has been buried more than the Undertaker (with Mankind coming a close second). Still, the Undertaker remains the most buried wrestler in the history of the world. What an abysmal and uneventful career he must have had.
This op-ed has been written and is sincerely signed by,
Tyrion Lannister, two-time Olympic gold medalist in horseshoes