During an overnight shift at work, I was lucky enough to be in the Daily Open Thread for April 5th, 2013; there were some funny .gif's and some pretty funny commentary going on. But in one of the threads there was a discussion beginning about "What would the wrestling equivalent be of everyone?" which got me to thinking....WWE craps out a list every week -- MY TURN.
The following is my personal opinions, and I am leaving the comment section open for others to chime in/voice their opinions. So without any inter...oh I forgot to add that this list is not exclusive to only present-day wrestlers, but as far back as one would like to go to. Because this community is so large and that I have not interacted with each and everyone of you, a few will be left out; use the comment section should you not be listed and throw something out there for us. Remember that this is for fun purposes only, and not to offend others -- but if you're offended, sorry. Now...WHO ARE YOU?
The General and J.M. Williams: HHH and Stephanie McMahon (Circa late 1999 - 2000)
--Not gonna lie, but they run the show here. (And I'm going to equate the extended hiatus of Cageside Live to HHH tearing his quad: it sucked for a lot of people, and I truly felt that it was about to take that next step up) This happens to be one of my favorite wrestling sites, and the McMahon-Helmsley Era was one of my favorite factions growing up; want better proof that they are similar: If you don't play the game, then it's Game Over for you. Substitute a banhammer for a sledgehammer for the General. And just like Steph, June runs things from behind the scenes and makes sure that things are pretty much always in order. We miss her in the Open Threads, but business calls and we understand because she helps put a great product out there for us.
Keith Harris: Undertaker (Wrestlemania version from 2007 - present)
--Was extremely tempted to go William Regal if only because he's awesome and British, so it would have worked out really well. However, Keith has done some tremendous work here and has gotten some of the dirtiest stories out into the public's eye. His Linda McMahon Senate coverage was fantastic and found out more about it more than 3000 miles away than I did from a mere 150 miles away; he's brought to light some horrific behind-the-scenes conditions in his TNA articles, and has rightly gotten them out into the public's eye. Basically, we may not get an article EVERYDAY from the guy, but usually when we get one from him it tends to be good, if not the best one of the day.
Rex Ivanovic: Dean Ambrose
--I love what Rex brings to the table; his Underappreciated/Undervalued column has brought about great conversations and has said things that not many people have the balls to say (proof: find the Sting column where he deviates for a week for an Overrated-side analysis); he tends to always have the right .gif's or meme's ready at a moment's notice when commenting in different posts/threads, and brings useful/insightful thoughts to the community as well. Just as Dean Ambrose came through the indies as Jon Moxley, our own resident Indies Correspondent was once just a Buckeye Brawler...now he's on the main roster and bringing in a new era.
C.J. Bradford and BitchHoldMyHoops: Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero
--I was tempted to go with John Cena (for the backwards initials) or Daniel Bryan (because of the beard) for CJ, but instead I went with Mr. Money in the Bank....Dolph Ziggler. Reason you may ask: he tries to be a heel and sometimes can pull it off masterfully...but then he's there jobbing out to the site by Live Blogging Impact Wrestling, or WWE Main Event, or WWE Smackdown; those are clearly the second-tier. HOWEVER....when you get BHMH and CJ together in the same thread and under the right circumstances (liquor may be involved in some (most) cases) their back-and-forth can be very entertaining. I'm rambling a little bit here....but Vickie does the same thing, that's how I know I picked the right choices here.
Hulk Holland: Mick Foley (Before 2001)
--Now I'm probably gonna be asked: He has Hulk in his name...why no Hogan? Well to be honest Hogan never knew how to do a damn job, and Mr. Holland is nice enough to pretty much every day do the job of bringing us, the Cageside Community, an "On this day in...history" post. He doesn't get the credit that he fully deserves, but that's why we love him more; plus I'm a big fan of his Mid-week Meltdowns/Slapstick Saturdays posts as well. Not to mention that he does the MMAMania site as well (as does the General, too), and anyone who's ever gone into those comment sections knows you need a barb-wire bat and some thumbtacks to get out alive -- so I'm gonna put him over here.
Hollywood Wallace: "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan
--Yeah, the easy choice..but what can I say? When Cageside Live was still a thing this man called into the show and never left character the ENTIRE TIME; it's hard enough for Hogan to stay in character, let alone a cSs copy-cat. But the dagger was the Wrestler Wrankings...this is not a knock, so please don't take it that way...when you are required to do one job a week, that sure sounds like Hogan.
Sean Rueter: Booker T
--The resident NXT/Superstars-watcher doesn't get the full-court press so-to-speak as, say, the Raw Reactions does..but continually great work is put in. I love how each segment is broken down in-depth with the bullet points, and the fact that he'll watch and break down a Khali match for me -- allowing me to not having to do that. And while it may not seem glamorous, Booker T went through similar conditions in WCW before he was elevated, which by judging by his work Sean is certainly on that path; the man got himself over by the Smark's Shoot Standings as s1rude, and now has the normal-looking name and writes columns each week. Not saying he'll be a HOF'er...but puts in damn fine work.
Eric B. Stephen: Mark Henry
--Long live DarkTalon, but Eric has come a long way from just posting some rumors in the Open Thread; he gets his own daily column now...which is more than I can say about myself. Either way, the rumors are his thing, and don't no one else try to step on his toes about it. The Rumor Roundup by Eric B. Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I DO.
BIG PALE: Scott Hall (Early WCW 1996)
--His Wrestlemania countdown columns have been spectacular and helped him "break out" so to speak. I personally love reading his long comments in other threads as well, and more often than not I tend to REC this man because I agree with what he says. But to bring back the 'Mania columns...you didn't really know what exactly to expect, similar to Hall entering WCW in May of 1996, but after he arrived we received gold; and personally the columns that have already been published have been gold and awesome to read, while also taking that trip down memory lane.
--I really shouldn't have to go into this one...hell, even Kanenite has said he loves being a Kanenite. This one is dead on (damn those pesky puns).
*Asterisk*: The Rock (Nation of Domination 1997 - early 1998)
--We all understand that he knows about what he talks about when it comes to wrestling, and we know he's one to never let a point go without getting in a final word. But there are some times when you just wanna scream "Die Asterisk, Die", similar to the "Die Rocky Die" chants that Dwayne got earlier on in his career. We don't want you to really die...well at least I don't want you to really die...but the point still is you have talent, yet you know it and it's gone to your head. Come back to earth sometime, and you'll be the fan favorite at some point.
BrooklynBrawler4Life: The Brooklyn Brawler
--See the name.
Rancho King: FANDANGO
--If there was a way to give him AJ I would, but the dude's a dude. Therefore it is my honor to award this man FANDANGO. Why you ask? He got the gimmick of AJ Lee of the Day over to where it's a regular staple of the Open Threads, and somehow made something creepy seem normal.
Keyboard Punk: Goldust
--Love him or hate him, it's an acquired taste; to steal a line from Lance Strom: "If I could be serious for a moment...", some of the funniest and most disturbing things are said/written by this guy. Keyboard does his *Big Butt Dance*, while Goldust "Shatter's Dreams".
and since I did a few of the non-staff, I'll do one for myself...
Myself (DFreshMMA): Ron Simmons (Retirement)
--No, I don't want to be considered the ass kicker from Nation of Domination or Acolytes/APA; I'm the guy who'll throw in a .gif here or there, normally trying to spice the thread up, and if it allows me to use this damn.gif again so be it. But seriously...
That's all I have for right now, and as you can probably tell there are a ton of former/current talent that was not used. Sound off in the comment section for who you think you might be, who you think others may be, or how bad you think my list is (no feelings will be hurt, I wrote this while at work so it did what it was supposed to do: kill time).