FanPost

Review of "She-Hulk XXX" - Part Four

Aaron Evans on Flickr via Wikimedia Commons

EDITOR'S NOTE: This is all in good fun. Enjoy it.

This is the final part of my review for She-Hulk XXX.

Part One featured a ton of mutant power-stick thrusting from Super Horny Naked Lawyer Man.

Part Two was dominated by Chyna's bloodcurdling Meat Hook.

Part Three included the capture of our heroine Jennifer Walters, the She-Hulk. The immoral Madame Hydra then practiced various probing techniques, with the intent to eventually perform these experiments on She-Hulk. The goal was to create an army of She-Hulk soldiers to do Madame Hydra's evil bidding and take over the world.

We now return to Jennifer Walters locked down on a table, surrounded by two of Madame Hydra's green-clad minions. They go to use their electrical probes on Jennifer, but it is clear that these clueless buffoons never received proper probe training from Madame Hydra. Jennifer transforms into She-Hulk and escapes her imprisonment by sheer force, though unfortunately we don't get to actually witness how she disposed of those inept henchmen.

She breaks out of the room and surprisingly runs right into the Avenger named Hawkeye. Hawkeye quizzically confesses that She-Hulk looks vaguely familiar, which honestly isn't a very impressive statement from a guy with the name of Hawkeye. I guess he watched Jizzapalooza too. Or maybe he incorrectly thinks that he's staring at Brooke's legs or Dwayne's physique.

She-Hulk tells him that she is a sexier version of her cousin, and she also reveals Madame Hydra's deviously original plan to create a She-Hulk army. Hawkeye blatantly ignores that entire arc of the conversation and instead casually mentions that he is setting up a West Coast branch of The Avengers. He claims that he could use a little She-Hulk muscle to aid in that endeavor. She-Hulk seems to be quite interested in Hawkeye's muscle as well.

So they go into a side room and show off their muscles to each other in a classic test of strength, exactly like Ultimate Warrior and Hulk Hogan did at WrestleMania 6. She-Hulk takes Hawkeye's white erect muscle into her green inviting mouth. Hawkeye's muscle is much smaller than most other super heroes' muscles, and so She-Hulk is able to take the entire thing into her mouth, showing off impressive jaw strength and control.

And I am immediately skeptical of Hawkeye's authenticity. If this guy truly possessed the razor-sharp eyes of a hawk, there is no way his perceptive sensory organs would capture She-Hulk's image and then actually want to do anything like this with her. Hell, go find Mae Young or something. Life just isn't this cruel; there has to be another way.

Hawkeye calmly keeps his hands behind his back and let's She-Hulk do all the work. She-Hulk nibbles on the tip of his muscle as she looks up into his self-doubting eyes. Hawkeye finally wakes up from his temporary stupor, grabs She-Hulks head, and forces his muscle deeper into her mouth. But She-Hulk matches his strength and is able to keep up with his throat-thrusting motions.

This brief exchange ends as we now cut to She-Hulk lying on her back, with Hawkeye lifting her leg up and trying to muscle his way through her basic protective armament. There is a pitiful unconscious green minion sprawled in the background. They didn't show what exactly put that henchman into this vegetative state, but it surely had something to do with Hawkeye spreading She-Hulk's legs and exposing that soul-snatching view to the world.

Hawkeye bypasses She-Hulk's shielding and forces his muscle right into her green Meat Tunnel. She-Hulk's body must be heating up, as some patches of green skin gradually turn white. It seems that Hawkeye isn't interested in getting this green goop on himself, as he strategically places one hand around She-Hulk's left sock while his other hand is barely grazing the outer portion of her green right thigh.

There is no communication at all between the two super heroes as they continue their test of strength against each other. This continues on for a while and it's just as boring as Rock vs Cena II. Hawkeye finally turns She-Hulk over on her side and continues to pound his muscle into her from behind. I can't really tell if She-Hulk is enjoying it or not. She isn't saying much and seems to just be humoring him. I guess his tiny muscle doesn't match her expectations.

The camera zooms up right on She-Hulk's Meat Tunnel but thankfully the tunnel has a hooded roof and there is enough green paint in the way that I can't see enough of her true inner muscle to die of shock just yet. The camera zooms back out and at this point the lack of dialogue has me thinking this might be one of those 1920's silent films. I wish there was some upbeat music and humorous captions flashing across the screen to explain to me what the story of this test of strength really is. But instead there is just silence and depression as I will never recover these empty minutes of my life.

Meanwhile the bottom portion of Hawkeye's muscle is lightly coated in green paint, and it accumulates more green paint each time it makes contact with She-Hulk's skin. Is this the future approach to finger-painting? She-Hulk's armpit is losing its green color as well. That is just shoddy workmanship right there.

It is impossible to make this heat-less action sound captivating. I can't believe that this boring piece of crap is the big finale to the movie. Nothing interesting is happening here. Where's The Great Khali when you need him?

And where the heck did Hawkeye come from anyway? He just happened to be hanging out within Madame Hydra's lair, right outside of the room where She-Hulk was held prisoner? That's awfully suspicious, isn't it? What exactly was he planning to do, recruit random green minions for the West Coast Avengers? And where in the blue the hell did Madame Hydra run off to anyway? Why didn't the super heroes go after her? I don't get it.

I suspect that Madame Hydra finally got a glimpse of She-Hulk's inner workings and so that traumatizing visual permanently ended her villainous motivations. The world just doesn't deserve to be subjected to a mass-produced army of those fatally corrosive toxins.

Regardless, the tame and brainless action continues between Hawkeye and She-Hulk. Hawkeye maintains a brief strength advantage as he bends She-Hulk over a table and continues his yawn-inducing muscle thrusts. She-Hulk whispers something to Hawkeye. I think she said "I can tell I'm turning you on," but she says it with such a low decibel level that I can't be entirely sure. She must mistakenly assume that she's screwing around with Hawkear instead of Hawkeye. Hey look I don't even care if that joke is corny and barely makes sense, I need something to keep me awake right now.

Speaking of corn, the most interesting thing going on right now is that I honestly can't tell if Hawkeye's muscle is still inside She-Hulk's normal Meat Tunnel or if it is actually inside her much dirtier Rotten Meat Tunnel. The camera angle and green paint make this really hard to figure out. And what's even crazier is that it looks like She-Hulk has an extra rosebud not too far from the bush. I sincerely don't even know what the hell I'm really looking at anymore. I hope I am just seeing things, but I swear that I am counting three holes. I also wish that Tajiri would make a cameo and spray me in the eyes with white green mist so that I can unsee all of this unnecessary filth.

Ok now the camera zooms right in on the action. That is definitely not the normal meat tunnel. Does Hawkeye even know about this lewd development? Can he even see where he's sticking that thing? And geez, does anybody know what color you get when you mix green with brown? I hope I don't find out when he pulls his muscle out.

She-Hulk finally starts talking and says "Yeah" a few times before calling for his muscle to spasm all over her face. They cut away to her on her knees and he dumps a pathetic portion of his liquid muscle onto the side of her chin. He then asks her to please not tell Mockingbird about this encounter.

I give the final scene a score of 1.25 stars. It lasted 13 minutes and 21 seconds. There was consistent action throughout, but it was robotic, extremely slow-moving, and lacked any kind of passion or energy. Chyna just doesn't have the experience to match the other female stars of the movie, and Hawkeye didn't even pretend to be interested in putting on a good show. Chyna's confusing three-pronged anatomy and the green paint made it difficult to follow some of the action in this scene at times.

And that's the disappointing end of the movie. There was no resolution to what happened to Madame Hydra. They never clearly explained who shot Jennifer Walters or why the flashback to Super Horny Naked Lawyer Man was even relevant to the story. Most of the scenes did not feature any mutant powers. And the opening scene was really the only battle in the entire movie that featured a hero against a super villain. All of the other scenes featured people on the same side engaging in discourse and friendly battles with each other. I'm not really sure why they didn't focus on the obvious missing critical details that every super hero movie is expected to include.

My final verdict is that while this movie is probably better than some other super hero movies of the last 10 years such as The Fantastic Four, Catwoman, The Green Lantern, and Hulk (2003), it still isn't a movie that you should waste your time on. The first scene is pretty good and the fourth scene is above average, but the rest of the movie is a boring waste of time. You just aren't going to see many gripping action sequences or funny one-liners in this movie. You'd be much better off checking out Triple H vs Vladimir Kozlov at Survivor Series 2008.

That being said, this was still much much better than Chyna Is Queen Of The Ring. So if Chyna is presently deciding between her wrestling career or her acting career, I would suggest she stay away from the one with the most white mist. Good god almighty, nobody wants to see that mess.

That's the end of my extensive review of She-Hulk XXX. Don't go out of your way to catch this one, Cagesiders.

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.

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