FanPost

Review of "She-Hulk XXX" - Part Three

LukeFord.net

EDITOR'S NOTE: This is all in good fun. Enjoy it.

This is part three of my review for She-Hulk XXX.

Part One featured Jennifer Walters engaging in some fierce legal office action with Super Horny Naked Lawyer Man.

Part Two detailed Jennifer's initial transformation into the frightening She-Hulk monstrosity. This part ended with She-Hulk and Invisible Girl eating many fresh fruits, fish, and muffins together in a Ryback-inspired feeding frenzy.

We return to Jennifer Walters (back in human form) walking to her car after leaving Invisible Woman and Mr. Fantastic's residence. She enters her car and happily says that she doesn't think she wants to be cured of this new life. But then suddenly a creepy assailant dressed completely in green grabs her from behind and renders her unconscious by smothering her with a grimy chemical-laced rag.

Jennifer wakes up, restrained by shackles and laying prone on a table. Two men dressed in green masks, green clothes, and yellow rubber gloves stand nearby and discuss the uncomfortable probing experiments that they are going to shortly perform on her unwilling body. Jennifer mightily struggles against the cold metallic restraints but her efforts are futile.

In a nearby room there is a sinister foreign lady named Madame Hydra who seems to be the evil mastermind behind She-Hulk's capture. She plans to use She-Hulk's blood to create her own indestructible army of super soldiers. What a unique scheme!

One of Madame Hydra's green-clad minions is in the room with her. Madame Hydra, who happens to be wearing a conveniently crotchless green latex villain costume, is so excited about her plans for She-Hulk that she orders the minion to kneel down and worship. He gets down into the proper worshiping position and begins to orally demonstrate his adoration for Madame Hydra.

She places one hand on the back of his head and firmly plants his face down further so that he can display an even more convincing devotion to her divine assets. His slurping noises of gratitude verify that she is the most powerful and important woman in his world. She skillfully guides his head into the magic spot as the worshiping ritual continues. There are no bushes in sight so it is very easy for him to hit his target.

Madame Hydra eventually orders the minion to lay down on a nearby surface. She pulls out his experimental probe and shows him with her mouth how it is properly fueled. She carefully demonstrates that the head of the probe needs to be inhaled about an inch or two down repeatedly before a tongue must be used to delicately run across the length of the probe's shaft.

And the nuts keeping the shaft in place have to be held and even fondled to get the right amount of pressure needed for the probe to produce optimal potency. She repeats this demonstration multiple times to make sure he really understands the mechanics of satisfactory probe maintenance.

She then shows him that sometimes a free hand is needed to cup and pinch your own melon while trying to get the probe to ignite. Once the probe is in a full standing position, she shows him that you need to climb right on top of it and pump it into and out of a dark oven over and over again. The probe also apparently has some voice-activated features, as Madame Hydra shouts out "Fuck Me!" numerous times in order to keep the probe from shrinking away.

She reiterates that the probe needs to go deep into that dark oven, all the way down to the nuts at the base of the shaft. Not even an inch of the shaft can be left out of the oven. The green minion shows off all the knowledge he has learned from her and she appreciatively responds with "That's what I'm talking about!"

As she is at the climax of her appreciation, his probe pops out of the dark oven and she demands that he instantly put it back inside. He is a little too slow though and so she grabs it with her own hand an angrily shoves the probe back into the hot oven and orders him to give it to her.

She stands up, bends over, and non-verbally communicates to him that sometimes the probe needs to be aggressively handled with the temperament of a rabid animal. So the green minion approaches her from behind and tries his best to impress her with his doggy style of probe manipulation. She commands that he better do it well.

So the green minion loses all restraint and just jam-packs that probe into the moist oven with a frenetically-paced delivery method. Madame Hydra excitedly shouts out her approval of his performance thus far, and these encouraging words allow him to ram that probe even harder and deeper into the gaping oven hole. We can see just how gaped open that hole is thanks to a super close-up camera shot of the entry point of penetration. The minion pulls the probe out of the oven and gently slides it across the lip of the oven before sticking it back inside.

Meanwhile Madame Hydra continues to issue the profanities that the probe apparently requires for proper functioning. She screams out "Oh shit!" as the minion gets a bit carried away with the impact force of his probe plunges. She screams out something about coming (though she doesn't specify a time) and a portion of the probe is visibly covered in some kind of clear fluid.

They now change the entry position into a spoon-like shape and the probe continues to get shoved into and out of the well-adjusted oven. There is a very nice view of the nearby melons and the henchman makes sure to get his hands in that area as he furiously pumps away with the probe. He then immediately retracts the probe from the hole as Madame Hydra sternly yells toward the minion that he better not fire off the probe inside of the oven.

She says that the probe must be fired on her glorious melons. So the green minion straddles Madame Hydra, with probe in hand, and manually charges it up multiple times until the probe's main vein is ready to be drained. This may have just been a practice probe, however, as the probe's anticipated discharge doesn't amount to much and it mostly lands between her two prominent melons. Madame Hydra affectionately calls for more as the scene fades out.

I'll give this scene a score of 3.25 stars. It lasted 14 minutes and 28 seconds and was very educational in nature. I didn't realize that the mechanics of experimental probes could be so sophisticated and included things like melons, nuts, and voice-activated discharge zones.

But at the same time this is a super hero movie, and this is yet another scene that goes by without any impressive mutant powers or moral dilemmas on display. And the probe action, while intense at times, wasn't quite as commanding as Super Horny Naked Lawyer Man's work in the opening scene. Madame Hydra was visually stunning and it was a plus that she performed with her costume on the entire time.

That's all for part three, Cagesiders. Will She-Hulk escape her imprisonment and bring the villainous Madame Hydra to justice? Or will she instead go Slip 'n Sliding with a random Avenger? Stay tuned to find out!

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.

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