FanPost

Review of "She-Hulk XXX" - Part Two

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EDITOR'S NOTE: This is all in good fun. Enjoy it.

Hello, wrestling fans. It's time for part two of my review for She-Hulk XXX. I hope this is the part where I finally learn what the link is between this movie and pro-wrestling.

In part one, a lawyer named Jennifer Walters found herself in a hospital bed due to a gunshot wound. While trying to remember more details surrounding that incident, she had a graphic flashback to a recent office battle that she had with Super Horny Naked Lawyer Man. And that leads us into part two...

The flashback to that opening battle is over and we are now seeing another flashback with Jennifer sitting in her law office. Her cousin Bruce walks in and they have a conversation about a tough situation he is dealing with. He asks her if she's ever heard of The Hulk. Jennifer says, "Of course. Every time he destroys a town or city it is all over the news." Hmm, that sounds to me like she is mistakenly thinking of Hulk Hogan.

Bruce desperately confesses to her that he is The Hulk when he says, "Gamma rays and anger, it's a bad combination." On second thought, maybe he is thinking of Hulk Hogan too.

She says that she will help him deal with the dangerous government officials who are tracking him because she always has crime mobs trying to kill her, and so she is not afraid of a little added stress. Furthermore, Jennifer states that she would hate it if she lived her life turning into a raging green monster every time she got angry. The conversation ends and Bruce promptly departs her office, ending that brief flashback.

Now we are finally back in the present time at the hospital. There is a police offer standing guard outside of Jennifer's hospital room door, assuring that nobody has access to Jennifer without essential clearance. However there are two obviously evil guys dressed in suits and sunglasses who clearly want to get into Jennifer's room. The one shady guy walks over to a nurse and openly bribes her into distracting the police officer.

The nurse walks over to the police officer, bends over in front of him, and then gets up to whisper something in his ear. The police officer immediately runs off with the nurse into a side X-ray room where she proceeds to...perform fellatio on the police officer? What in the...? What the hell am I watching here? Why are they showing obscenely vivid imagery of sexual interaction in a family friendly super hero movie like this? I can't believe just how explicit the visuals are here during this unexpected oral sex encounter.

Oh wait, silly me. I must have hit the wrong button on my remote and somehow confused it with Edge and Lita's live sex celebration from 2006. Sorry about that. Phew, that was close.

Well anyway, the nurse knows that her job is to take the officer out of commission for a few minutes, so she doesn't waste any time in pulling out his nightstick and focusing her attention on it. She smacks the nightstick a few times with her hands and spit shines it up real nice, making sure to keep the officer occupied with phony compliments about how hard it feels.

He happens to have a couple of keys dangling right underneath the nightstick too, and she makes sure to passionately pay homage to those flapping keys as they swing back and forth. He appears profoundly aroused by her shenanigans. I can't believe this police officer is falling for this silliness. What officer actually enjoys it when a woman praises his nightstick and dangling keys?

She then makes her move, taking his nightstick hostage inside her mouth, but she notes that she cannot get it all the way down due to how big it is. But he is very encouraging and uses his hands to help her force it all the way down. What a gag-worthy tactic. His nightstick is glistening wet as it eventually emerges from her salivating mouth.

The officer tries to alter his patrol route down towards the mountains but she refuses to allow him that as she once again uses her mouth to keep his nightstick busy. She then chimes in with, "I'm gonna drain every last fucking drop out of your balls." What an odd thing to say; I don't really see any liquid-filled balls anywhere in this medical room.

I don't have much time to mull it over though because he immediately launches an enormous all-white police dispatch way over her head, while directing the rest of his special police units onto her forehead. A portion of it gets in her eye and mouth as well, but she quickly makes some of that evidence disappear. She then winks her eye at the naive police officer. What a sucker!

This scene lasted about 10 minutes and 24 seconds. I'm not sure why they really needed to show this confrontation in the movie. It wasn't really a serious battle at all, and as far as I could tell there were no mutants involved. It was basically just this nurse paying lip service to a policeman's nightstick and dangling bits in order to distract him away from his security post.

It wasn't bad, but this could have been left out of the movie for a fight that actually included superpowers and way more exciting action sequences. I'll give it a score of 2 stars.

Meanwhile the two shady guys in suits take advantage of the ongoing security breach to forcibly break into Jennifer's currently unguarded hospital room. They attack her and try to inject her with a needle. And please get your mind out of the gutter, folks. I'm talking about an actual syringe; I would never resort to making phallic jokes.

Jennifer struggles under their grip as they try to inject her. But those incompetent men might as well call this clumsy maneuver the Zig Zag; it has zero chance of getting the job done.

Jennifer gets angry and then dramatically transforms into the green muscular behemoth known as The She-Hulk! She-Hulk throws one of the evil henchmen against the wall and then breaks the other henchman's wrist as he tries to pull a gun on her. With a sudden rage, she jumps out of the hospital window and falls dozens of stories down toward the city streets below, with a perfect landing.

Now that I can see She-Hulk's full figure I have to admit, She-Hulk is quite a confounding and jarring physical specimen. I have such a sickening sense of deja vu right now; I can't help but feel like I've seen her somewhere before. But the green body paint makes it hard to clearly discern who is playing that role. I can tell just by looking at her that I have a long, rich history with this twisted freak of nature. Damn it, I'm sure I know who that is. This is so frustrating; her name is on the tip of my reluctant hand.

That rugged manly plastic face, those meticulously sculpted legs...oh my god! No, it can't be! Son of a bitch! I figured it out! It's Brooke Hogan! Brooke Hogan is playing the She-Hulk! Of course she is! Now I finally understand why my wrestling buddy told me to watch this movie! I am so disappointed in myself. This should have been a no-brainer conclusion all along! From day one, it was always Brooke's destiny to be a She-Hulk.

She-Hulk walks around some extremely phony-looking city streets before getting dizzy and transforming back into normal Jennifer. Naturally, she decides to meet up with Mr. Fantastic and The Invisible Woman and ask them for advice on how to deal with her mutation.

She-Hulk knocks on their door and quickly secures their trust. She transforms into She-Hulk so Mr. Fantastic can acquire a useful sample of her blood. Mr. Fantastic is very busy analyzing these blood samples, and so to kill time, She-Hulk eventually engages in a friendly sparring match with Invisible Woman.

They start off by kissing rather than shaking hands. She-Hulk then buries her green decaying face right into Invisible Woman's innocent bare chest. As the action heats up it is evident that this friendly fight is being entirely catered to fans of The Ryback because it mostly consists of non-stop eating, miscellaneous oozing liquids, and will ultimately be a disconcerting waste of everyone's precious time.

I am a bit taken out of the moment after noticing that She-Hulk has some small white patches of skin showing under an eyebrow, behind her ear, and on top of her head. Nonetheless, this befuddling segment of Feeding Time continues as Invisible Woman is very willing to Feed Her More.

She-Hulk really is a greedy beast and she just devours away on Invisible Woman's juicy mouth-watering peach. Some of She-Hulk's green color starts to rub off and seep onto Invisible Woman's landing strip. But Invisible Woman remains stoic and unfazed by this harrowing development; she ruthlessly grabs She-Hulk by the hair and shoves her hungry face down harder into Invisible Woman's delicious cherry pie.

Uh oh. Now the tables are suddenly turned and Invisible Woman starts undoing She-Hulk's vital armor around her nether region. My heart rate apprehensively picks up as I know from past history that something big and monumental is about to be revealed here. I learned this by rote. A shocking plot twist is going to be revealed and smack me in the face any second now. Surely there's something larger than an elephant in the room.

And here it is: As Feeding Time continues, Invisible Woman finally undoes She-Hulks crotch zipper to unleash...The Meat Hook! Holy mother of god, the sight of that titanic Meat Hook instantly floods me with painful memories of Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan wrestling at FuckleMania. That's not Brooke Hogan! It's Chyna! It's Chyna! Good god almighty it's Chyna! Chyna is She-Hulk! Chyna is She-Hulk! Why god, why? What unpardonable sin have I committed to deserve this perverse punishment? Please, CM Punk, throw all of your sand ashes in my eyes!

As I try to recover from this paralyzing realization, Chyna's severely intimidating Meat Hook is in plain view, practically taunting me with its mere existence. An unstoppable feeling of queasiness envelops my impotent body as Invisible Woman ravenously attacks that toxic Meat Hook with her mouth, tugging and yanking on it like she wants to rip it right off and suck it down whole.

As I am watching this surreal spectacle take place, I feel like the earth has opened up and swallowed my soul down into a perilous pit of endless torture and agonizing Bobby Lashley promos. It's like watching The Boogeyman eat off Jillian Hall's disgusting face growth, but less aesthetically pleasing and with ten times the self-loathing. I just vomited up all of my self-esteem and can see it irreparably scattered in all directions on the floor. My psyche is permanently crushed and I have no will to live. I am Virgil.

There is no doubt about it; Invisible Woman is the bravest super heroine in the world. She continues to go after that putrid Meat Hook with reckless abandon, even after she verbally acknowledges it's prominent stature. Oh god now the camera zooms up super close to the action. Invisible Woman just vacuums that damn thing right into her mouth with maniacal sucking noises.

I'm dying here; I'm begging someone, please Feed Me Less of this colossal Meat Hook. I am utterly Shell-Shocked by this once-in-a-lifetime view. While my insides continue to disintegrate, She-Hulk is more-or-less laying there doing her best Katie Vick impression while Invisible Woman does all the work. More white patches of skin show up on She-Hulk's body where it used to be green.

Thank Buddha, that damn dreaded Meat Hook is finally hidden from the camera and now She-Hulk goes back to feasting on Invisible Woman. She-Hulk's attacks are very gentle and no where near as aggressive as Invisible Woman. She inserts a green finger inside Invisible Woman as she continues her mild tongue jabs. She-Hulk gives Invisible Woman a feeble slap on the ass with little passion behind it.

She-Hulk then uses the unorthodox Taint Nose Dive attack as she prepares for victory. She-Hulk momentarily shows pity as she asks her opponent if she wants her to stop. Invisible Woman is defiant to the end though, and dares She-Hulk to continue.

What the hell is this? The camera suddenly gives a close-up view of She-Hulk's chocolate starfish! Hey camera guy, nobody asked for this view. What an asshole!

As I try to move on from that ambiguous exclamation, I notice that Invisible Woman is firmly pinned beneath She-Hulk's rear and is forced to take a mouthful of indiscernible She-Hulk stuff right in her face. I think She-Hulk calls that move The Penalty Box.

Now She-Hulk lets loose with a beastly moaning noise. Either that or a wild moose was just shot behind my television. And with that, the scene fades to black, leaving me as a broken shell of a shame-filled man. My limbs are still there but I can't feel a thing. My heart is still beating but my hands don't know how to anymore. That visual nightmare lasted for 17 minutes and 16 seconds. Feeding Time is mercifully over. Worst. Ryback. Match. Ever.

Looking back on this scene objectively, I would say that, outside of the unforgivably traumatizing Meat Hook suction segment, Chyna's performance was flat and boring. Invisible Woman carried the scene and showed a much higher and persistent energy level throughout, while Chyna's lack of experience was clear.

Chyna didn't look like she was having a bad time, but she was not playing to the camera at all and she barely incorporated any vocals. And the loudest vocal that she did contribute sounded like a dying animal. I'll give it a score of 0.5 stars solely due to the effort, eagerness, and appeal of Invisible Woman.

And now I need a break to restore a modicum of sanity. I also need some mouthwash and eye-drops.

That's all for part two, Cagesiders.

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.

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