FanPost

Review of "She-Hulk XXX" - Part One

Aaron Evans on Flickr via Wikimedia Commons

EDITOR'S NOTE: This is all in good fun. Enjoy it.

A friend of mine recently suggested that I check out this new and exciting super hero movie titled She-Hulk XXX. I was told that this cutting edge action adventure movie contained some really strong ties to the wacky world of professional wrestling. I have no clue what that connection is going to end up being, but it has me practically gripping my body with stupefying anticipation! So wrestling fans, here is my review!

The thrilling Hollywood blockbuster begins with a beautiful woman named Jennifer Walters laying in a hospital bed. She is a defense attorney who was shot in the back. Her life was saved thanks to an emergency blood transfusion from her cousin, a man named Bruce Banner, who also happens to be The Hulk. However she doesn't remember any of the circumstances surrounding the shooting incident other than an admittedly speculative guess that she was shot under the orders of a man named Trask. After some prodding from a local detective, she has a very vivid flashback to the last thing she remembers.

The flashback begins with Jennifer dressed in lawyer attire and having a heated discussion with a District Attorney who goes by the surname Tower. She discusses the details of a case with him related to a client's key testimony against Mr. Trask, but Tower isn't buying her stern insistence for cooperation. Of course this motion doesn't sit well with Jennifer, but she admits that she does like it nice and hard.

And with that she slowly falls to her knees and says that she knows just what she has to do to get him to change his mind. Oh boy look at this, it's going to be our first great action-packed battle of the movie! She initiates her problem-solution approach by insulting his ugly tie and then she immediately starts sniffing and clawing at his pants. He sits back and remains calm, observing her movement patterns. Wow this guy is really cold and calculating; he is willing to sacrifice some offense early on to capture his foe's innate fighting rhythm.

Before this battle continues, I have to mention that I am a little worried by the lack of costumes and super hero transformations though. Right now it is just two normal human lawyers dueling, and that is a little underwhelming.

Nonetheless, she further explores the bulging legal claim in his pants and upon reexamination finds evidence of Small Entity Status. This is completely unacceptable to her and so, with a flash of genius, she quickly provides an oral-based continuing application process in order to raise his claim to Large Entity Status. He willingly allows her freedom to operate, and so she tenaciously operates her head up and down 35 times, to be exact.

Things start to get nasty as she also spits on his large claim multiple times in the middle of her trademarked Oral Onslaught fighting tactic. She also utilizes an inventive step as she occasionally issues an oral transfer to his drooping sack of legal patents. In fact she engulfs his entire patent family inside her mouth at one point. Shortly after her brief patent ambush is finished, she goes right back to working on his large claim 49 more times.

And now she is just showing off as she doesn't even need to use her hands as she goes back and forth on it 90 more times with mostly just her mouth. She should charge him a renewal fee for that rare service because a super heroine that can keep her opponent at bay without even using her hands is always an impressive sight to behold.

But her aggressive efforts to this point have now left her with an exhaustion of rights. The evil male lawyer takes advantage of her vulnerability by undergoing a hasty and unfathomably bewildering mutant transformation. His clothes come flying off, his crotch has fully mutated into an unstable gargantuan cyclopean beast, and there's nothing remotely human about that audacious look in his eye. There's only one super villain that I can think of that fits this description: Super Horny Naked Lawyer Man, master debater and wielder of all piercing objects! That's my best guess, anyway.

Oh no, Jennifer is in for it now! The embodiment of Super Horny Naked Lawyer Man's priority right manifests itself in the form of grabbing Jennifer's fatigued body, removing her clothes, and confidently placing her naked body onto his villainous mutant vehicle: the super evil stained lawyer desk. He doesn't even bother with exchanging trivial oral pleasantries. This maniac just bulldozes his great almighty glowing mutated power stick into Jennifer's body over and over again, and without the use of a file wrapper. His super power is really effective here; Jennifer can't help but unleash numerous F-Bombs as he drills into her exactly 100 times before pulling out for a short breather.

He then brandishes yet another extraordinary mutant power as his stamina instantaneously recharges within nanoseconds! Completely revitalized, he goes right back to nailing her 67 more times with his frighteningly thick superhuman power stick. Objects are flying off the super evil stained lawyer desk as the brutality ensues. He is really merciless as he plows her 67 more times with his massive doomsday device. This guy simply has uncanny super-human endurance!

Super Horny Naked Lawyer Man finally lets up and prepares his tongue for a new offensive move: The Colonel Angus. Jennifer seems to have a built-in resistance to this move however, as she is clearly enjoying it. So Super Horny Naked Lawyer Man gets rid of the Colonel Angus and pulls out the daunting Spear Of Justice, which he violates her with 71 consecutive times without a break. He then hits her with 46 doses of Total Penetration before finally turning her over and going after her from behind.

His mutant power stick is back in full force, pumping Jennifer 160 times before pausing and then viciously hammering her 120 more times. And then he follows this up with 80 more relentless strikes! This super-villain is an uncontrollable monster! He must also have mutant powers of hypnosis, as now he is just standing there like a statue while Jennifer is irrationally impaling herself on his experienced Spear of Justice in an uncontrollable frenzy.

This seems to have reinvigorated Jennifer as now she is once again in a predatory position, and she goes back to orally assailing his large claim. She attacks with an unrivaled vigorous spirit in three extended regional phases: 32 fast-paced melee strikes in phase one, 22 deep hard-hitting wet blows during phase two, and 40 mouth-charged energy blasts during phase three. All of Jennifer's attacks are of the short-range variety though, and Super Horny Naked Lawyer Man takes advantage of this field-of-use limitation to deflect her final energy blast and then fold her like a spoon on top of his super evil stained lawyer desk.

Super Horny Naked Lawyer Man then holds her down while he spears her 98 times and then follows this up with an epic 206-thrust combo right into her pink critical zone. He briefly dips down to search for a submarine patent with his friend Anal Angus, but the non-obviousness of Anal Angus's whereabouts forces him to abruptly call for a defensive termination of that slimy and unsanitary investigation. So instead he goes back to charging up his power stick and unleashing it 98 more times into Jennifer's severely damaged interior region.

Jennifer somehow recovers from this super move and she goes back to her patented no-hands Oral Onslaught maneuver. She takes him in 60 times with that move before he tenderly stumbles away from her grip and falls down into a chair. Jennifer does not let up though, as she pounces onto his lap and climbs aboard, with her back against his chest. This produces the longest uninterrupted sequence of the fight, as she bounces up and down 290 times on his ample mutant power stick, relentlessly sapping the energy out of his mutant powers by brute force and trying her damnedest to break that dastardly tool of destruction in half.

Super Horny Naked Lawyer Man can take no more of this extremely stiff office action, as he finally stands up and releases an impressive patent flood all over Jennifer's chin and tongue. After the catch and release is complete, it is evident that he even notarized a wide portion of her chest with his glossy legal ink. His mutant powers now totally drained, Super Horny Naked Lawyer Man has been defeated by the inspirational lawyer Jennifer Walters, and he now finds himself in the unflattering Micro Entity Status.

That battle lasted about 23 minutes and 12 seconds. I would score it 3.75 stars out of 5. Jennifer Walters is played by a very attractive and charismatic woman who clearly knows her craft well. There was a lot of no-nonsense high energy on display and steady flow of action throughout, but it slightly suffered from repetition and a relative lack of verbal exchanges. Sometimes you just need a powerful mutant like Hulk to tell the villainous Loki that he is a puny god, and this scene could have used a little more dialogue like that to accentuate the commendable action.

The scene did have plenty of action, that's for sure. If you add up all the numbers it looks like Super Horny Naked Lawyer Man basically treated Jennifer like his own personal Box-On-The-Jack, entering her grandest canyon well over 1200 times. And she orally stormed his legal claim over 320 times. This scene definitely delivered bang for the buck.

Jennifer Walters showed that she really knows how to expertly use her mouth to bypass legal boundaries, and Super Horny Naked Lawyer Man displayed a masterful level of superhuman stamina and control. I still don't know how he withstood her abilities for over 20 minutes. This was a pretty fun opening skirmish. I don't understand what this has to do with pro-wrestling just yet, but with this promising start I can't wait to see more!

That's all for part one, CageSiders.

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.

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