WWE's Superstars came streaming over HuluPlus last night as usual, for reasons we can only hope to someday discover.
Its mix of "maybe you've been living in a cave since Monday" and "for those who can't wait until Saturday morning to see some kid-friendly wrestlers win" wasn't exactly what I was in the mood for this week, but let's see how it goes.
Brodus Clay and Tensai defeat Epico and Primo
in approximately eight minutes via pinfall
• I like the idea of Clay and Tensai a lot more than the execution. Mostly because Brodus makes me want to power down my laptop. He mocks the deposed Lord's walk on their way in, and Big T (as the more annoying half of the announce team, Matt Striker, calls him) acts annoyed by this and the pre-match dancing. Sweet T (as the Funkadactyls call him) is wearing a new black singlet with red kanji on the front, and it's a much better look than the the red plastic trunks.
• Tony Dawson, the bearable half of our commentating pair, tells us that this match was made because the boys from Puerto Rico dislike the Funkasaurus' music and dancing because they feel it disrespects the sport. Carlos Colón, we're told, often came to the ring without musical accompaniment. Presumably because he took his sport seriously, not because he was about to get jobbed out like his son and nephew too often are. Kidding aside, the ridiculous little backstories that Dawson and Striker give matches are one of my favorite parts of Superstars.
• One of the problems with the Funk and the Furious (or whatever they eventually decide to call them) is that Tensai switches between grudgingly participating in his partner's brand of fun and relishing in it. After acting all grumpy coming in, he's doing the dougie and popping & locking throughout the match. An instance of the latter from the middle rope let's E & P take control a few minutes into the contest.
• I've praised Rosa's talents as a valet on several occasions, so I feel obligated to mention that she is horrible on this episode. She never gets involved in the match and even her always audible, heat-attracting voice is wasted on making noises while she dances and hams it up whenever the camera hits her. The babyface cheerleaders at least succeed in getting the crowd to chant "Sweet T" to start the faux-Japanese's comeback.
• Superstars has become the place for WWE-style tag action, but this one is just kind of...here. The few highlights include a spot where Primo kicks Tensai in the knee while his partner drop kicks him in the back, and one where the cousins both have him in a front chancery (thanks, Reverend!) and he suplexes them both.
• You'll notice that I don't mention Brodus in the previous bullet, as he is a terrible wrestler.
• Primo sells being sandwiched between the two giants like a Looney Tunes character. They hit their finisher, win and dance. No children were harmed during the filming of this segment.
A video package of the opening segment from Raw is played, with everything post Brock Lesnar's skull hitting the ring post shown in black & white. The Shield, Randy Orton and Sheamus bit is shown in all its glory.
Kofi Kingston defeats David Otunga
in approximately five minutes via pinfall
• Matt Striker is an idiot. In between his annoying nick names for Dawson and more random references than a Dennis Miller stand-up routine, he switches between heel and face for no reason. He was an advocate of the Monsters of Funk (or whatever they end up calling them) bringing the 'Entertainment' part of WWE, but he hates Kofi for being happy and signing autographs.
• The context for this match is that Kingston is an avid gamer, while D. Otunga, Esquire is leading a class action lawsuit against the video game industry for aggravating attention deficit disorder (ADD) symptoms in players. Enjoy that. It's the best thing about this.
• The crowd is actually into it - they love Kofi, and Otunga gets a good reaction from flexing a lot and generally being smug. You can probably call the moves along with the boys, though. Jumping and dodging from Kingston; slamming and stomping from J-Hud's baby daddy.
• The Harvard Law grad is in control for a while before Kofi comes back by...being a fan favorite, I think. Otunga bails after a boom drop, but gets splashed on the outside and pushed back into the ring for a Trouble in Paradise.
What seemed like the final eight or so minutes of the John Cena - CM Punk instant classic wrapped up this show. If you're still playing "work or shoot" about Vince McMahon's reported backstage blow-up, they do show the piledriver.
The best parts about this show were things I saw on Monday, can watch again with my HuluPlus login any time and that will probably be shown on Smackdown tonight. If you're a big fan of Brodus or Kofi you might like this better, but if you're me, you'll probably feel like D+ is generous.
What do you think, Cagesiders? Am I just cranky today, or was this show mostly crap?