Well, it's happening next week, whether we want it or not. For the sixth consecutive year, the WWE is dedicating an entire episode of Monday Night RAW to their annual "awards ceremony" honoring the best of the past year. This year, you the viewer will be allowed to-or forced to-pick the winners via the WWE App.
Of course, WWE App polls have had quite the notorious history, so I can only imagine how this will work out when the App servers have to handle tens of thousands of votes at one time in a matter of minutes. But let's be honest: if the App poll rumors are valid (and I have no reason to believe otherwise), the winners will probably have already been picked out by showtime. Translation: the awards will be more rigged than the Florida presidential vote in 2000. So since I won't be voting on said WWE App, I'll just go ahead and "suggest" some winners for the 2013 Slammys, as well as who I think will probably end up taking home the statues.
I guess now would be a good time to point out that this will effectively serve as the go-home show for TLC: The PPV.
On to the awards.
-Superstar of the Year
Who I think should win: Daniel Bryan. Seriously, mah boi D-Bry is the WWE's first genuine megastar since CM Punk two summers ago. Daniel Bryan Danielson is its own religion now practically. Fans chanting "YES! YES! YES!" while stretching their arms and pointing upwards has become a battle anthem. Sure we wanna follow buzzards and hide behind sheep masks and slither like vipers and exact revenge like wolverines, but we are all goats. Daniel Bryan is us: the man that broke through the glass ceiling against all logic and politics (albeit briefly). Sure D-Bry is on the backburner, but I have a feeling he's in a "he's gotta do something for a little bit" phase until Royal Rumble time. Plus, let's be honest: when he kneed John Cena in the eye at Summerslam, he won the award right then and there.
Who will win: John Cena, because CenawinsLOL. If I need to explain to you why he will win, you haven't been a wrestling fan long.
-Double Cross of the Year
What I think should win: Mark Henry's fake retirement. My goodness, those ten minutes were a thing of beauty. Mark Henry, with both age and mounting injuries catching up to the "World's Strongest Man", was finally going to call it a career. But in the end, we were all fished in. We all bought it, hook, line, and sinker. It turned out that Henry had a lot left in the tank when John Cena got the business end of the World's Strongest Slam and moments later declared he wanted to be WWE Champion. Of course that didn't happen (because LOLCenawins), but Henry did take it to Cena at Money in the Bank: The PPV. And of course, Henry got hurt again. Maybe he will have to call it quits soon.
What will win: In probably a nailbiter, Triple H's pedigree on Daniel Bryan at Summerslam. In the weeks leading up to Summerslam, la familia McMahon didn't exactly warm up to the idea of Daniel Bryan being WWE Champion. But WWE champ at the time John Cena didn't care and wanted to take on the world's toughest goat. And at Summerslam, the goat won with the Baisaku knee heard ‘round the world. All was right with the world. But the second Triple H was announced as the referee, you knew something was amiss. It took a five-minute post-match celebration, but we were proven right. Randy Orton comes down with Money in the Bank briefcase in hand, Triple H pedigrees D-Bry, Orton picks up the scraps and wins the WWE Championship. And this, boys and girls, is why we can't have nice things. (And yes, I'm going with this double cross over Paul Heyman preventing CM Punk from winning his third Money in the Bank. Shawn Michaels superkicking his protégé Daniel Bryan at Hell in a Cell: The PPV might get some votes too.)
-Diva of the Year (EDIT: WWE has officially renamed this from "Total Diva" of the Year. I'm still stand by my picks.)
Who should win: AJ Lee. Seriously, this is NOT CLOSE. She has been the Divas Champion since June 16 (and is by the way closing in on Beth Phoenix's record 204-day run as champ) and was on the periphery prior to it. It should be a runaway victory for the littlest diva in WWE. Or we can just give it to her for the evisceration of the "Total Divas". Whatever works. Or give it to Renee Young because Renee Young is awesome as fuck. (If you disagree, you are wrong.)
Who will win: The Bellas. If you read the category carefully, it says "Total Diva of the Year". By definition, that eliminates half the divas from this award (including the only three women to have held the Divas title this year)...and qualifies Eva Marie. In a fair vote, AJ wins. But this ain't a fair vote, and there's no way the stars of Total Divas don't win.
-Match of the Year
What should win: John Cena vs. CM Punk in a #1 contender's match for the WWE Championship. JUMPING PILEDRIVERS! BOTCHED HURANCANRANAS! And all the feel of a Wrestlemania main event that was ACTUALLY BETTER THAN THE WRESTLEMANIA MAIN EVENT! (Oh, and it was for the right to be in the Wrestlemania main event.) The outcome wasn't in doubt, but holy hell, how they got there was fun as hell. Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena and CM Punk vs. Brock Lesnar, both from Summerslam, should also get a look.
What will win: The Rock vs. John Cena for the WWE Championship. Because "WWE Logic". Every year since the Slammys returned in 2008, at least one match from Wrestlemania came away with an award. There are only two (maybe three) matches from that show that will get a look: Rock-Cena II: Electric Boogaloo, Triple H-Brock Lesnar II: The Game Strikes Back, or Undertaker-CM Punk. Given the choice of the three, I want Undertaker-Punk, but we all know what's winning. #LOLCenaWins
-Insult of the Year
What should win: AJ Lee verbally murders Total Divas. Or, if I may go off the board, WWE booking in the four months since Daniel Bryan lost the WWE Championship. John Cena got rushed back and promptly won the world heavyweight title (in their defense, probably anyone would be better than Alberto Del Rio), Randy Orton, WWE Champion, played second banana to "The Authority", while Daniel Bryan, the hottest singles act WWE has produced in some time, played third banana (at best) to pretty much everything else. Big Show somehow jumped the line and took Bryan's place, but even he's been kicked to the backburner. Or off the stove for that matter. I think even Total Divas got more play than Bryan's plight to break the glass ceiling.
What will win: Probably some generic Cena promo. Or in a perfect world, CM Punk daring a fat man to step up, be a man, and fight a pissed off CM Punk. Or...sexy Stephanie giving Daniel Bryan the B. The solid B+.
-This is Awesome Moment of the Year
What should win: Dolph Ziggler's not-so-shocking cash-in the night after Wrestlemania XXIX to win the World Heavyweight Championship. Even if you didn't or don't like Zigs (and I didn't), this was a genuine feel-good moment for a man that had the tools to be the man if only WWE let him have the ball. Then he got concussed, lost the world title soon after, ran off at the mouth, and now his career is in purgatory. It was fun while it lasted. Know what would really be cool if it won though: La Familia Rhodes winning their jobs. Or HellNorton's upset win in a 3-on-3 against The Shield. That was a big deal.
What will win: Considering Ziggles is in the doghouse, a lot has changed since HellNorton, and the Rhodes Dynasty story has all but fizzled out, expect this award to go to either Triple H for his unique break of the kimura lock or CM Punk doing the Undertaker pose making us all think maybe...just maybe...he would end the streak.
-LOL Moment of the Year
What should win: Remember when Hell No was a thing? It was, and four about six months, they were the best act in WWE by a wide margin (no disrespect to The Shield). While their moments in anger management were the high water mark for the team, their efforts from early this year shouldn't be discounted. Case in point: when the duo completed their anger management rehab and they celebrated the only way they knew how: a celebration of hugs. Everybody hug everybody. (Side nugget: too late for Dr. Shelby to get votes for Superstar of the Year?)
What will win: Probably not that. Maybe it'll be one of the many shills for WWE Shop that has been popping up on RAW and Smackdown lately. Or maybe Eva Marie slapping Jerry Lawler gets a look. But your winner with the late entrant will be Titus O'Neil channeling his inner Darren Drozdov.
-Rookie of the Year
Who should win: The Shield. When THE UNDERTAKER ditches a few weeks from his year-long vacation to work with you, you've got something. When losing a six-man tag team match on Smackdown is damn near national news, you're a big deal. When you're called the greatest trio of performers ever assembled, that's blasphemy. But they are pretty damn good. For these three, the sky's the limit, unlike most other "rookies" (coughCurtisAxelcoughFandangocoughcough), where the limit's the sky. Expect big things from Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns in 2014, whether as singles or as a trio.
Who will win: The Shield. The only people that will even have a sniff of a chance at stealing it are Big E Langston and the two ladies they hired for Total Divas.
Those are my winners. Who are your winners?