Previously on Impact Wrestling
TNA President Dixie Carter announced a tournament (yay!) to crown a new champ now that AJ Styles has flown the coop with the World title. Each match in the tourney will have a stipulation (hrmmm) chosen by a spin on the Wheel of Dixie (wtf?) - which looks suspiciously like it may have been stolen from the Elks Lodge in Pennsyltuckey.
Another President, this one of a three man motorcycle club (even Taz is returning his kutte), is on the outs with Dixie, for failing to keep the belt away from Styles. Carter would not include him among the seven former champs she revealed for the tournament, nor would she put him in the battle royal to decide the eighth man. She would let Ken Anderson jump him, but it's all good because she also let Bully Ray beat Mr. Anderson with his chain for a while.
Jeff Hardy, Chris Sabin, Kurt Angle, Bobby Roode, Austin Aries, Samoa Joe and James Storm were not only named to the field, but they got to watch Magnus win an underwhelming over the top rope elimination match. The contest featured the Bad Influence pair of Christopher Daniels and Frankie Kazarian and Eric Young, and it wouldn't be the only disappointing segment of the night those three would be involved in...Kaz and Chris busted out some of the worst British accents you've ever heard to solve the mystery of Abyss. EY almost saved it with his Joseph Park impersonation, but then they basically just did the same kind of crap we've been seeing for the last year (including at Bound for Glory).
Gail Kim and The Bro-Mans retained their Knockouts and Tag titles, respectively. I can't tell if Robbie E and Jessie Godderz are turning face, or if I just dislike their opponents Storm and Gunner so much. TNA makes it hard to tell if I'm being a smark or not.
Finally, Angle and Roode had their second really good match in as many weeks. Unfortunately, even a strong performance by two of my favorite wrestlers left me salty when they went with a count-out, stretcher job finish, complete with the Olympian faking seizure-like symptoms. Because who doesn't want to watch the just-into-recovery addict with a surgically repaired neck pretend to be paralyzed?
Meanwhile, in Mexico, AJ Styles defeated former TNA and current AAA wrestler Judas Mesias in a title bout sanctioned by, well, him, I guess.
Live, for the last time in a while, from the home of Dean Ambrose, our own Rex Ivanovic and the losers of the 2013 National League Wild Card game - Cincinnati, Ohio!
FULL METAL MAYHEM! That's what the old Dixie wheel landed on for Jeff Hardy and Chris Sabin's first round match-up tonight. You'll believe a chair can fly!
Sting has promised a "State of the Main Event Mafia" address. It probably won't go "it was a bad idea that didn't work and let's all just pretend it never happened". But it should.
Ken Anderson will continue to do his best Big Show impersonation, which is probably okay because Bully Ray is doing good enough work to be considered the equivalent of HHH and Randy Orton. Two women who can't wrestle and one who grabs her breast incessantly will duke it out for the right to challenge Kim for the women's title.
And (great googly moogly), Adam "Pacman" Jones will be there. No word if R-Truth or Xavier Woods will show up to handle any physicality that might be required.
Expect to pop for:
Track suits. When even Bad Influence let me down, I can always count on Eric Young. And he rocked that track suit better than anyone since Tony Soprano.
Does the re-emergence of the Monster mean that we can put the Joseph Park saga behind us? It was fun for a while, and congrats to all involved for keeping the story and even finding new wrinkles for as long as they did. But when even Daniel and Kaz playing dress up can't save a bit - these men made Claire Lynch strangely fascinating - it's time to put it to bed.
Hey, an EY/Abyss team should be fun. Dixie and company will like it because it's kind of like Team Hell No. We'll like it because Eric Young is awesome. The feud with the Fallen Angel and François is all set-up, and then a program with the current champs will be a blast.
Plus, if we're really done with Abyss' legal eagle brother, maybe I can get some of those plus size black track suits on the cheap.
The heat is on:
Norv Fernum. Since I like to bust Impact's balls for ripping off WWE ideas at every turn (and I do), I'll give them some credit for going a different route with the jobbers they've trotted out for EC3's debut matches. Not only have them managed to resist the temptation to name either of these dummies with an amalgam of a legendary wrestler and a United States President with a funny name, but, if this #Impact365 video is any indication, it looks like they may run with the gimmick farther than the big dogs did.
And who didn't want to see more of Benny Camer and Rutherford PS Hayes? Probably most of the world. And while it's probably not a great idea to debut a new comedy tag team when almost every other team in your tag division is also a comedy tag team...at least no one will think this one can win any matches!
They need a new one of those, since the last one of those? The one where both members lost to ODB a month ago? They're the champs.
After all the image rehabilitation Adam Jones has done as a steady performer in the Bengals' secondary, who's ready to watch him debase himself on Impact tonight?
Get warmed up by talking about all things TNA below, then join the live blog for the last show from outside of Universal Studios Florida for the foreseeable future.